Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 re-defining words: How I allowed the word WEAK to make me WEAK 08/04/2012

When finishing my last Mind Construct of a series of mc’s within my Desteni I Process, I found myself stuck at the part of word re-definitions. I hadn’t realised how much I allowed these, at first sight, innocent words to have an impact on me. Behind these words was hidden a whole universum of entangled emotions and feelings, hidden from my conscious daily living. While after taking a closer look these words had/have a tremendous  influence on my daily life. The word weak was the last hiccup I had within my mc and within this blog I will show the road that I traveled while working with the word WEAK.

First of all I came to the realisation that the word WEAK, as an English word, had made far more impact on me than the Dutch equivalent when I’m speaking my mother tongue. When I hear the word WEAK in English I even feel a physical sensation/reaction to the word WEAK. When I have a look at the 2 different languages, Dutch and English,  I can see that English is the language of the ego. Which means that I’m activating ego points within me when using, hearing or writing the word WEAK. That doesn’t sound to weird in a way, since Weak is the other end of the polarity of STRONG, it’s participating within comparison when using or experiencing myself within the word WEAK. Comparison is of the ego, since we always want to be at the better end of the equation. So was I, whenever I was dealing with WEAK I was fighting to become STRONG. Therefore my relationship with WEAK has been one of fighting against the fear to become WEAK or to be seen as WEAK.

I always wanted to experience myself as STRONG, even as a child, WEAK within the society I grew up in was considered as a bad, not a desirable state of being. I was born at the end of the 1960’s, where in the seventies the women movements, the Hippie days, were showing us women that we had the power. Girl Power another belief that replaced the role women had thus far, because within a society where no one yet believed in Girl Power and the equality of men and women it’s merely a belief/desire that women are STRONG or even stronger than men. The whole concept of STRONG and WEAK totally polarized, what made many women disorientated within a lack of understanding of who they were. One can feel STRONG and say, I am STRONG, while licking the asses of the men, but does that make someone strong as in stable? Society didn’t give women the same rights, simply because women didn’t live the word STRONG, they used it in their fight to get rid of this nasty feeling of being stigmatized as WEAK.

How many times have we as women not ridiculed men for not being capable to give birth to a child, in our perspective men wouldn’t be STRONG enough to bear the pain and to fulfill 9 months of discomfort. The question is, do we really know whether men are too WEAK to give birth to a child? No of course we do not know that and it even doesn’t matter. It’s simply another game to fight within the polarity of STRONG and WEAK. Then going from the Hippie era to the eighties and nineties we as women discovered that sex was the real power we had. When we were sexually attractive to men, seen through our own eyes charged with societies slogans, then we would be STRONG and in control over our own life. Are we? Looking at where this belief lead us, up in 2012 where our total world is sexualized out of one desire: profit. Are we women the STRONG ones? Did we win the battle we started many years ago? Or are we still experiencing ourselves as WEAK and dressing it up as STRONG? I for sure am.

Throughout my life I have been impulsed by this polarity of STRONG and WEAK and I’ve been acting upon it. As a child I saw my mom in the role of a housewife pleasing my dad to gain self-worth and I decided to do it differently. When I had to choose school directions for a future career, as a teenager, I aimed at being a doctor and saw being a nurse, what was more within my reach, as a typical female job. To me it was less then a doctor, confirmed by the roles within society for women and the embodiment of WEAKNESS. I ended up in art school and was within the profession of an artist too WEAK to earn enough to make a decent living. My dad advised me to seek for a rich man, so again my WEAKNESS was confirmed and I had to search for a STRONG rich man to rescue me from myself and my self made choices. The rich man I’ve never  found and I switched career plans and studied social work. Within my marriage I ended up being a housewife when I had my kids and enjoyed being at home with my kids, though in the back ground I had this belief running that I had maneuvered myself within a WEAK position. I didn’t make my own money and therefore I was within my marriage at the WEAK end of the polarity. So that added another point on to the perception of being WEAK, money.

Over the last few years of my life money has been a big issue, or better said the lack of money. I experienced/perceived myself as WEAK within society without having a job and enough money to make a living. On top of that my body started having numerous of problems, due to poor food and poor housing. I became a little bit more grey, my skin  started wrinkling, it’s called aging, though I perceived it as WEAK. My body was weakening and I saw it as giving up on me. Due to aging the point of no longer feeling sexually attractive has a whole other starting point than when I was in my twenties. Within common sense these wouldn’t be issues to make myself feel WEAK, but within ego as in comparison, I saw that I was doing far more less than the people around me who I perceived as STRONG. At this point I had sunk into my own created shit a little bit too deep, so fighting WEAK in order to become STRONG wasn’t the way to walk this.

My partner and I walked the money point backwards to see how and why we had created the point where we were at right now. It was our desire to be STRONG and independent from society that made us separate from that very society. Society on it’s turn bite us in the ass, since we were playing the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. In order to free ourselves from this polarity within the money point, we simply had to break the separation point and go back and participate within society again. It’s a long way to go, but we are doing okay. My partner has a nice job again and we will be able to stabilize our financial situation within the coming years. We practically walked our consequences within the physical to dissolve all the noise as emotions/feelings/fears that had us brought into a scary non desirable position within society.

While my partner has his new job in the Netherlands and I am in Italy with our 2 kids, the whole household that was created around 2 people has been placed on my plate. I’m running the household almost 4 months on my own now and I’m getting physically weaker. I never had split the wood or dug myself twice out of 2 meter of snow, I basically never did the most heavy tasks around the house, simply because I couldn’t handle it physically. Now together with my kids I’m doing all of these tasks and my left arm started to protest after a month or so. I figured it was just a normal muscle ache and I kept using it to not let it become rigid. Though the pain became only more severe and now it is like I have a constant muscle ache whether I use my arm/hand or not. The strength in my arm/hand has reduced immensely. I decided not to see a doctor due to the costs and having a daughter that really needed medical attention when she got diagnosed with Hyper-mobility. Which hasn’t been a cool choice to suppress my own needs out of lack of money. So again I find myself within the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. I feel totally WEAK when I have to prioritize the things that I can do on a daily base. Typing a blog in the morning means not doing any typing for the rest of the day, sewing clothing means less activity for the rest of the day. So now I perceived my body as WEAK and not cooperating with me and not realizing that I am my body and I caused this distress within my body. I am not WEAK neither STRONG within comparison and polarity. It’s simply my physical that for the moment isn’t coping with the changes I made within my physical reality and if that means I need to take a lot of rest, then let it be so. It is not me limiting myself through having a non functional arm, it’s my body that says, hey stop abusing the physical, stop, breathe and change the way you are living. I wanted to be STRONG, be the partner that could keep the Italian household running as it was, showing off in a way. The question is, who is benefiting from this showing off? As far as I am concerned nobody, so it has to stop and I have to plan my life differently to be able to cope within my physical limitations. Limitations that are not per se WEAK or there to bully me, but simply what is here.

I can see now how much the word WEAK was representing and how much I labeled it as negative. It was almost impossible to re-define this word WEAK while being stuck in all this self created noise around it. A re-definition of a word will give the word a new charge that is best for all life always. In my situation there was no room for best for all, my ego was in the way so to speak.

These are the attempts I did within re-defining while not being clear on the word WEAK:

*Weak – experiencing physical weakness/chemical imbalance within one’s current situation/allocation within one’s world while one’s basic needs are met.

Here I was only considering physical weakness of humans, so I left the animals and objects out. This definition was about me and showed me where I was at that moment, though it had nothing to do with a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is the breaking point of directing oneself into complete awareness of being one and equal to Life.

Here I was aiming at polarity and again just the very point where I was at in that moment. Though polarity cannot be included in a re-definition that is best for all.

*Weak – is when people/animals/objects/items are not one with/equal to the whole group.

Here I do consider more than only myself or humanity though now I add comparison, the very point I was entangled in. A point of ego cannot be part of a re-definition since ego has nothing to do with what is best for all.

*Weak – is when a being/animal/object has no longer the ability to function within their specific expression/purpose.

Here I assume that all is STRONG to begin with when I say “no longer the ability”, therefore it is still a polarity and not in the best interest of all life when it comes to re-definitions.

*Weak – the loss of the ability to function within a specific self-expression.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition only now “no longer” is replaced by “loss”. The word loss has polarity and comparison within it and is therefore not to be used as best for all re-definition.

*Weak – a self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage of it’s existence that is not preferable in all situations.

Here the self-expression is seen as negative “not preferable” so it charges the re-definition with a negative charge and is therefore not suitable for a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is not effective in all situations.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition, only now I call it “not effective” though it has still a negative charge and comparison within it.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is aberrant for it’s kind and detracts it’s nature.

Here I am at full steam and within desperation of not moving towards a re-definition I add all ingredients that are not at all reflecting what is best for all. “Aberrant” and “detracts” I used here deliberately to wrap up the negative charge in a nice wrapping.

*Weak – is an existing/resulting expression that exist temporarily/as a constant that will compromise the power of the whole and results in a temporarily/constant separation of the whole.

Here I mixed several previous re-definitions that had proven to be inadequate and again it is full of negative charge and comparison. At this point I surrendered, I was tired, frustrated and truly feeling WEAK. At this point I realized that I had to write out that what was attached to the word WEAK within my conscious world. I asked my buddy to assist and support me to get me through this point. In the end she gave me her definition, that she had come up with together with my moderater, of the word WEAK. She asked me to consider this re-definition and at first I didn’t see it work, while I was still blurred with all the bullshit that I had attached to it.


Yes, this simple it is. The first thought that came up after seeing that this re-definition does consider what is best for all was,” I didn’t do it myself”. So I basically went into WEAKNESS here. I stopped and I breathed, there is no need for being the inventer of things, when something is already within the best interest of all we can all use it. As long as we can see that it is in the best interest of all. So without acting from a point of ego I’m adopting this re-defintion into my Mind Construct and see it as support instead of WEAKNESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak compared to the strong I desire to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words weak and strong to charges myself with positive and negative feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when it comes to the word weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of weak and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ego as a directive principle to guide me through my experiences when it comes to weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as strong throughout my life, instead of seeing that this experience was merely there to cover up my true feeling of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the impulsing from society around the word weak as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak by lacking enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for giving upon me and making me weak, instead of seeing that I allowed my body to become weak, but that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the feeling of weak to feel strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than my daughter when it comes to medical assistance due to  financial priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak when I cannot do all the tings I want/desire to do on a daily base while having a dysfunctional arm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical out of fear to experience limitations that I already had placed for myself to begin with by abusing the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show of and picture myself as strong to my outside world.

When and as I see myself going into emotions/feelings around the word weak. I stop, I breathe and realize that acting from a point of ego within comparison and polarity will lead me nowhere. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the emotions/feelings around the word weak and I will use the re-definition of the word weak, to guide me/show me the living expression of the word weak.


2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.


Raped through my own back chat 19/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — een veertiger @ 13:09
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This morning I had the weirdest dream ever, one with a lot of symbolism that showed me how back chat* can literally fuck with us to the extent of rape. I never had dreams about being raped and this wasn’t really about the physical act of being raped, more about the consequences and why it came to this point.

I was at a fair in a building where there were many spaces and all were decorated/furnished like little cafe’s,  so basically catering like settings all furnished with dark wood and almost no light. I spoke to people who I never had met before, I was there with people who I didn’t know at all. I remember feeling a bit out of place, almost like “what am I doing here”.

The dream switched to the point that I awoke within my dream, not sure where I was. Within a few seconds I knew I wasn’t in my own bed and then I realized I wasn’t in a bed either. I still had my eyes closed, pretending to sleep and too afraid to open my eyes to disturb the person I felt was in the room with me. Not knowing if there was real danger to look out for. I heard the other being dressing him/herself and I decided to act as if I awoke at that moment. Then I saw that I was lying on the floor of one of those cafe’s wearing black lace fancy panties and and a bra. Undergarments I never wear myself and when I looked up I looked in the face of an acquaintance of my partner and myself. He looked down on me while zipping his pants and he laughed at me like a mad man. He said something like, so this dirty job has been done. Within that moment I exactly knew what he was talking about, he raped me and I couldn’t remember anything except for having a sore anus. He disappeared and a cleaning lady entered the cafe looked at me at the floor and let me be while cleaning the room.

I dressed and looked for the people I didn’t know, with whom I had gone to this fair. I didn’t see them, but I met new people that I didn’t know. When I looked at a clock I saw it was already noon and I was supposed to be home the evening before. A thought went through my mind about how my partner and kids must be worried by now. So I tried to get a ride home from someone, still feeling dirty, unreal and not ready to talk about what had happend.

There was one lady who said that she wanted to bring me home, so I stayed with her till she decided to leave the fair. This lady wasn’t ready to leave soon so I started to become more worried and longing to be home already feeling the arms of my partner around me to comfort me. I remember going from one room to another almost loosing my patience. Then I met someone that was living in my neighborhood who also needed a ride home so I asked the lady if she also was willing to take the lady from my neighborhood with her. “Yes no problem she said”, but still didn’t go home.

Another jump in the dream placed me at home. Although it didn’t look like home, everybody was out in the streets, sitting in little groups talking to each other and having a great time. At a certain point I found my partner and I felt a relief, though I wasn’t able to get his attention. I wasn’t able to speak to him alone and I wasn’t planning to go public with my experience of being raped. Between the moment I awoke in the cafe and now being “home” I had done some investigation about the why and how of what had happened to me.

The man that apparently raped me is a man on which I had a lot of back chat. So I knew I had fucked myself by participating within back chat and it had fucked me right in the ass. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t know anything about being raped, not even about meeting this guy on the fair where I knew nobody. I was speculating whether he had put something in my drink, without me seeing him. There were still a lot of questions, but one thing was clear, I had created this myself and I knew that perfectly well. I felt dirty but not in a way as being the victim, it was perfectly clear to me that I was walking my own consequential outflow of this particular back chat and I had to walk it within my physical till it was done.

The main back chat I had about this man and his wife were related to my relationship with my partner P. This couple was claiming my partner too much in my perspective and instead of investigating this point within me I took it the most coward way and started having back chats about them. I already worked with this point, but there was still a little poisoning tale of the snake left.

I never had sexual fantasies about this man, although he is still good looking for his age according to society, I felt this antipathy for him based on my back chat. So he was a symbol in my dream of a man that I didn’t desire to have sex with and therefore standing as a nasty example of consequential outflow, when looking at the back chat. Finding out that I had performed anal sex with him was a point of disgrace to me. Having read a lot about it lately through investigating the abuse within the porn industry, anal sex is the lowest form of sex/disgrace for a woman in my opinion. Then not knowing anybody at the fair was a symbol of separation, I separated myself through back chat from reality. Furthermore I had no transportation myself while being at the fair, this point is a symbol for not directing my own physical reality while participating within back chat. Also this man stood for the system, he has a really good job within the system and represents the power of money. While I was roaming the fair in total separation from reality/ the system, the system took me from behind. And then not being able to reach out to my partner which equals to my separation to such an extend that I became an observer and not able to enter reality and direct myself in the best interest of all.

So rape stood for manifesting my own consequences. Anal sex stood for the disgrace of participating within back chat and being ashamed about it yet not ready to let fully go. The black lace underwear stood for temptation, the temptation to choose back chat over reality. The environment/setting in which it took place is also a point of temptation and asking for consequences, since I connect cafe’s with hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility. To me that’s a negative point and something I would not do within my reality yet within back chat there is neither any self-responsibility. The darkish environment stood for not standing day light, back chat is that secret inner talk that doesn’t stand day light due to it’s evil nature.

All in all a weird dream, bringing up points that I already  had been working on. Though by no longer being confronted with this person the back chat was no longer there. But that’s the tricky part and a subtle difference between not being there or no longer within my conscious daily living. If I dislike eating cauliflower, I stop eating it and claim that I no longer have problems with cauliflower,that moment I am entering this grey area of dishonesty. So I hadn’t really dealt with this back chat to the extent of it no longer being within my mind directing me. The source was simply no longer there to fuel my back chat, but the back chat was still there waiting for me to pick up there where I had left. There is even a possibility that whenever someone else would enter my reality with the same trigger points I had with this man of my dreams, that this type of back chat would transfer onto the next person.

This definitely was a wake up call for me to understand that back chats are only gone when they no longer occur in whatever form. Therefore it’s more the signature/origin of the back chat that counts than the person or situation it’s attached to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel antipathy for a man by not facing/directing my physical reality and therefore generating back chat towards this man while in fact it was me not coping with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with rape within my dream for having back chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgrace/shame about having anal sex, instead of seeing that I had disgrace/shame about my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the urge to humiliate myself within my dream with symbols that are standing for disgrace/humiliation in order to wake myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality through my participation within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I’m not my directive force when participating within back chat and nevertheless participate within back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money. (this is an old point that is coming in here, which indicates that there are still points to consider)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money through participating within the polarity of not having money and therefore desiring money. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than the money system after being out of the system and not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality through back chat to such an extent that I’m not able/knowing anymore how to reach out to reality while being an observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that anal sex is equal to shame/deisgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that black lace underwear is equal to temptation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that cafe’s equal to hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that, hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility, is a negative point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within back chat and not facing reality.

*Back chats are all the thoughts we have within our mind related to our outer world, mostly attached to a person or situation. The back chat within our mind reality is decorated with emotions/feelings/reactions. It’s a way to deal with our physical reality from the perspective of our mind, in reality it’s a way to separate ourselves from our physical realty out of the fear to face ourselves within our physical reality.


Why are Destonians blogging the hell out off themselves? 13/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — een veertiger @ 23:33
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Writing is one of the many tools a Destonian has to his/her disposal. When you write in words,  that what keeps you busy inside of you, you’ll place information/knowledge from your mind into your physical reality. Whenever points are written in black and white, thoughts/memories/feelings/emotions/fears they become tangible and are ready to be dealt with. We’re able to read our writings from many years ago, but we’re not able to repeat our words from years ago word by word. Words that are spoken out loud on a video, vlogs, have the same principle, it’s making your inner reality into tangible earthly moments.

Starting this process of writing oneself out is a process on it’s own, many times we think we do not have anything to write about or it doesn’t matter what we have to say, but that’s only false modesty. It’s simply training oneself into taking a moment to express oneself in written words. Writers blocks, blanks, it all will be there as a  challenge from Self to Self. When one doesn’t want to reveal oneself to Self it’s obvious that the mind will try to block us. The question is, are we willing to give into that or are we willing to push through those moments of resistance to discover what needs to be hidden and can’t stand day light according to our mind/ego.

When we look at our society we see that whenever a message is important it will be in written form. The justice system uses written words and gives value to those words in order to convict one or not. When we have to pay our bills it’s in writing and when we do not pay we get more writings from a bailiff. When we get a job, our job description is in writing, to remind us of our obligations and to sue us whenever we are negligent. The police writes a police report in order to see whether you’re guilty or not. School wants you to write in order to imprint the information the system wants to implement in our future generation. The list goes on and on, we in the system use written words whenever we want to deliver an important message which is always a one way communication.

So to many of us writing and using words in black and white are equal to obliging oneself to the system which is in most cases the opposite of our own desires and wishes. And in a way we oblige ourselves when writing ourselves out, because once it’s out on paper/computer it is there right in front of us and can’t be erased. Whether you stripe through your words, they’ll be burnt onto your retina and you know what your dealing with. That might be a frightening experience, but try and see the beauty of it. Every word you write within Self-honesty is a gift to Self, to evolve into a being that is willing to take Self-responsibility for his/her own words/actions.

It’s important to get all the shit that is inside of us out in writing and see the patterns that are there visible for our eye in writing. One can do as much inner talk/back chat as one wishes, the real issue will never be as clear as when we write it down. From time to time we will be shocked by our own words, but that’s fine, it’s simply a reality check.

It took me quite a while before I dared to write about myself in black and white, as if I felt that once I started this process of writing there was no way back. From writing a bit now and then I started writing every day. Then I started blogs and went in the open with my writings on the internet. Warnt by many close to me that it might not be such a good idea to share all the struggles inside of me. Some even asked to not be mentioned within the blogs. Which reveals to us our extensive fear for the written word. I continued and started to write not only about my inner struggles but also about the struggles in our world, which isn’t a big step sidewards, since my inner struggles are one and equal to the outer struggles in our world.

I started enjoying this writing and I saw how I was able to grow through these writings. I had placed myself in black and white, able to see for all the world what I had accepted and allowed inside of me, as me equal to my world. I started to create an audience and there another point opened up. By sharing all that’s in me I touch upon all that is inside of you, see we’re more similar then we want to admit. So if I benefit from writing myself out, I bet it will benefit also you. Embrace this process of gifting yourself to yourself and see in common sense where you can improve yourself.

Within our writings as Destonians we use Self-forgiveness to pin point in Self-honesty what we have been accepting and allowing and from there on we write Self Corrective Statements to remind ourselves of the agreement we made with Self to keep our words and actions in line with the best interest of all. That way we discover the living words which can be spoken or written in Self-honesty to bring about change in this world that is sustainable. Writing nice stories that will flatter you will take you into vanity and ego, where we all will end up from time to time. Though when you start knowing yourself through your writings, you can see that vanity and ego are a point to take on without shame or suppression.

Ever wondered why Destonians are writing themselves to freedom? Simple we free ourselves from all that was attached to our words as emotions/feelings/fears to see that real freedom is not within mind reality, but instead here within our physical reality where words are words and have no polarized load to them. Simply communicating from Self to Self and to all the other Selves. Join us and blog the hell out off yourself to reveal you to yourself and be proud within humbleness on the steps that you take forward in the best interest of all.

Share your blogs with us on Facebook or on the Desteni Universe forum.


How I was able to hear the Desteni message 05/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — een veertiger @ 00:00
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When I 4 years ago stumbled upon a video of Desteni, done by Sunette as a portal, I wasn’t looking for the Desteni message. I had no intent to join any group what so ever, I had no intent to face myself and I had absolutely no intent to change the world simply because I never perceived myself as someone that could change the world. I was living my dream within my bubble and could see, feel and understand that there was something really wrong with the world I was living in. And I say “the world I was living in”, because I didn’t see the world as “the world I am a part of”. I was raised in the era of individualism and joining a group was kind of hippie like and kind of impossible for me to join groups while I perceived myself as an independent individual and not part of the collective that’s called life. I lived life my way in an original way believing in me as good and peaceful going along on the new age wave and creating a new belief out of love&light and being on top of the world as a conspiracy junk to point fingers at all that was bad in this world to not face myself and instead blaming others for making my dream life impossible.


Wow, that was my start 4 years ago after 40 years of pretending to live. I lived, I hibernated through the years, but I hadn’t really lived. I observed my live as the observer of my own life, afraid before taking every breath without recognizing my separation of life. I was floating around and on a conscious level not searching for answers about life, I was simply too afraid to burst my bubble. Yet I was complaining about not getting the answers I wanted within my process of Reiki and energy work. Without realizing it. I was searching for answers all my life and hadn’t gotten any. I expected others to bring me the answers and did not even consider the possibility of finding answers myself. With the beginning of the internet things changed and searching was quite easy all of a sudden and yet a sea full of information to go through.


I was disappointed in religion, not seeing that religion for me was an energy refill and I got hooked on the energy. The moment I had to become an active part of the religious group I backed out and blamed them for narrowness. I was disappointed in spirituality, because it didn’t serve me the specialness I was looking for to refill myself with energy, the very energy I lost by leaving the religious group. The moment it was time to decide which spiritual group was ment for me, I backed out and blamed them for being too extreme and not grounded. When I started to read conspiracy theories it confirmed my ego in being right all along and I used this information like a religion to convert people like Jehova Witnesses do.


So you can say that I was quite a lost case to hear anything and who had tried to find the answers to life without really knowing that I was searching for the answers and yet when I saw that first Desteni Productions video it hit home. I do not recall which video it was since I started to search for more after that first one. I’ve spent weeks watching the Desteni materials, I simply couldn’t stop. I had to know and I had to understand what Desteni was communicating with me. Their material was touching me deep inside and it was so easily answering many of my questions that had been so hard for others to answer. I saw how I had been wandering around as an observer in my own life and was eager to learn how to direct myself for the first time in life.


I was able to hear what Desteni said while being in a zombie state and completely brainwashed by society and upbringing, not very different from any average person. I had made major changes in my life and still I had this dissatisfied feeling inside of me. I didn’t want to believe that this was life and that this was all that was to it, I believed that there had to be more to life than this. Simply out of the fear that if life was this unspecial I couldn’t claim my own specialness anymore, no individualism anymore. I would be useless in a world without purpose. So my ego demanded that there should be more to life than this. How could I be the award winning star of my own movie as I was playing in a B movie?


I took the Desteni ride and I was in for a lot more than I had expected. I took over a year to take all information in and keeping up with the new materials. Then the moment arrived where I could join the forum, which I by the way could had done from the start, but I was afraid. I was afraid of not expressing myself good enough in English, I was afraid of not being a good enough Destonian yet, I was afraid to meet all these people I didn’t know yet. Though the biggest fear was joining the forum was equal to me to joining a group. So I feared loosing my identity/individuality and almost physically shaking I registered though never posted anything. Appart from not joining the forum I kept actively listening to the new materials and sharing it with my partner and kids. Only when I had the intend to start the Structural Resonant Alignment training I forced myself to join actively the forum and so I did. From joining the forum I joined Desteni on Facebook and You Tube and contributed to the newsletter.


Before I knew it I was part of a group and I recognized myself in all the people that joined. I realized that it wasn’t that fearful to join a group. I even enjoyed joining this group. The more I became aware of myself and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be, the more I understood and realized the importance of facing myself and therefore facing the world. By changing myself I could actually be a living example. There was no need anymore to hide myself and peep through the key hole to observe life. The more I started to understand life and me as life the more I saw the need for an Equal Money System to end inequality and equally live and breathe ourselves for the first time without the fear of survival creeping up ones neck into real physical life.


I started blogging and vlogging to spread the Desteni message just as they had equally done for me. I fell and I stood up during those last 4 years, every time stronger. Desteni helped me on a personal level to overcome events in my life I would have gone insane over when I didn’t know that the key and therefore the answers are always inside of me. Taking Self-responsibility and being Self-honest became more clear to me over the years. The difference is now I’m slowly but surely walking these words and before I was still comprehending these words. I have gone from self-manipulation to self-directing and the result is less stress while sailing a stable stance in life.


At the moment also my partner is doing SRA-1 and my teenage kids are applying the Desteni tools and materials as far as they are capable. I was able to hear the message of Desteni, one that says that we should love our neighbors like ourselves. Which implies that we first need to love ourselves in order to be able to love our neighbors. First we better/improve ourselves and then reflect the improved Self into the world. We do this in common sense and in the best interest of all in all ways. To understand that life takes place here within our physical reality and not up there in our minds. If we want a better life why not have a better life for all?


If you can see and hear that this world is heading towards destruction and that we only have 1 life to stop and change that world as ourselves, the join us. See and investigate for yourself what we’re standing for and decide whether you wan to be the change, by changing you as a being. We are people just like you, so it’s never too late to join us and become a Destonian for life.



Knowing when to end a dream within my reality 14/01/2012

I had a dream and many more, though I decided at a certain point in my life to manifest this one particular dream I had which would set me free from all that I experienced as limiting and which kept me bound to the system that I despised. It was like a wish, a desire that turned into a ticking time bomb inside of me, while I wasn’t aware of the ticking and not at all aware of the bomb that was the cause of the ticking. So I lived the dream and I walked the dream in order to escape reality and I found out that there isn’t something like escaping your physical reality if you do not want to end up dead. My physical reality can’t be ignored as hard as I tried, since my physical body is the only vehicle I have at my disposal to manifest and experience anything here on this earth.

To make this dream I’m speaking of more tangible I have to go back in time to see where the building blocks for this dream were formed and what emotions/feelings these building blocks consisted of. The dream I’m speaking of was escaping Holland to settle down in Italy and start all over, far away from the evil outside world. One of the building blocks was the urge for a “spacious” house, another was no longer dealing with compulsory education in regards to my kids, wanting to be self sufficient on a level of food and basic living, enjoying the fresh mountain air and escaping the petty Dutch state of mind.

I always longed for a “spacious” house and when I started opening up this point I had no idea where that urge ever started. It was simply there all my adult life, I didn’t question it, I simply followed it like a manual of how to live my life. Since ignorance isn’t bliss I had to dig deeper and find out more. When looking at my life I saw a life where I had been moving around the Netherlands  with my parents a lot. Always when my dad was able to get a better job we got a better house, that was the first imprint from childhood. Then we ended up living in a trailer for over a year with my parents, waiting for a house to be built. Living on such a small space with 4 people was doable, but not really enjoyable. As I’ve been suppressing most of my emotions/feelings throughout my life, always for the sake of something, I only have happy memories of this period. Though when I speak of this period I speak of all the inconvenient things that were inextricably connected to my life in the trailer and I was not really in peace with myself through suppressing all the negative. When we finally did live in the new “spacious” home it felt like a real relief, a feeling of “now I’m able to truly live”. So all that was negative turned now into positive and therefore a “spacious” house was the equivalent to freeing myself from the negative. These two imprints of “moving is improving” and a “spacious” house is “freedom”, which I allowed to  make me believe that moving into a bigger house would solve all that I was facing inside myself as negative was ignition for my ticking time bomb. Not realizing that I didn’t experience yet  this negative inside myself as something of myself, I experienced it as the evil outside world that was coming for me.

This meant that I made the effort to emigrate to Italy to find a “spacious” house and set me free of the negativity I experienced in my world as not being of me. I completely separated myself from my physical reality in order to not face this world as me. Once in Italy I fully experienced all the shit I had been resisting/ denying/suppressing, when I started my process and especially when I started my DesteniIProcess I knew that there is but only one solution; facing myself or going down with my dream. Only now, after almost 6 years in Italy, this point is opening up and getting clear to me.

Compulsory education is the foundation of the dutch education system, therefore homeschooling is not allowed by law. Back then I saw it as unfair, especially unfair towards me as a personal attack of the system which made me decide that I was going to fuck the system and let it know that I could fight it. How wrong could I be. Looking back at it now, I can see that I am the system and that I therefore was fucking myself big time. I was fighting myself and the system hit back with a judge and a fine. I was totally disillusioned and couldn’t see that it was simply cause and effect. I broke the rules of the system by homeschooling my kids for a year while the Dutch law forbade such a thing, so I was breaking the law and had to answer the system in the form of a judge and I was corrected by the system to follow it’s path again and paid my fine.

While taking this step of emigration I found out that also Italy had a compulsory education system and that only kids that lived too far away from the civilized world were allowed to be home schooled. Which made us look for remote areas where we could buy a ruin to restructure. On the brink of my emigration and wanting to escape the compulsory education system I knew there was a big chance that the kids had to go to school, which did already deteriorate my dream, but I didn’t want to face it. Instead I considered school all of a sudden as a good thing to establish the Italian language for the kids. Not that there was no common sense in this perspective, but it was the opposite of what I had believed in. What made me experience again only the positive and suppress the actual negative.

My partner P. and I have been talking a lot about being self sufficient and seeing it as the ultimate form of freedom. We considered collecting rainwater for the toilets/shower/washing machine and a cane field and anti bacterial Philips lamp to clean our own water to re-use it for consumption. We were investigating many ways of growing our own vegetable garden and building a house with straw and other ecological products. We searched for a place far away from any village to experience life as I thought it should be. There was one tiny little problem I didn’t oversee, I’m part of a whole and I was planning on separating myself from that whole. I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own not realizing that I was allowing a polarity to play out at my own expense. I felt like I could handle the whole world and take a stance like, me against the world, surviving life on my own force, while in reality I was the opposite. I feared life, I was running away from life and therefore I was running away from myself, separating myself from myself and not willing to face myself. So the ideas I had about living self-sufficient were not bad or evil in itself, it was my starting point for wanting this dream to come true that turned life/me against myself. Where it were first thoughts and ideas, later I walked them in reality and experienced life as being against me while my starting point was one of self-sabotage.

I liked the idea of enjoying the fresh mountain air and made it into a highly prominent motive to do this emigration into the Italian mountains. We lived around Amsterdam where the air was polluted and my kids and partner experienced astma-like symptoms of it. My reference points for thinking that mountain air would be better than the air we were breathing at that time were nice travel pictures of mountains throughout my life, hiking in areas in the mountains where no one lived and my partner P. his stories about his Italian youth and the nice air in Italy. Looking at these reference points I have to come to the conclusion in common sense that I’ve manipulated my reality into fitting into my dream/ideas. If someone would suggest me to buy a certain product, because of pictures and stories of others, I would not even consider buying into it. In my own case I sold myself Italy because of it’s fresh mountain air based on pictures and hearsay and I didn’t ask myself questions. Which shows me my true nature and who’s my possible worse enemy.

Escaping the petty Dutch state of mind is the same as escaping myself and that’s what I did. I changed the Dutch pettiness for the Italian pettiness and kicked it till it was sore. All along I was the one who was sore, I was out of options to let myself know what I was busy doing to myself. And when that wasn’t enough I started to develop physical problems, the last option of my body to ask me to please take self-responsibility. I looped within my physical problems for 3 years till this winter, it became clear to me how I’ve been abusing myself throughout my life and that I have to put this to a stop. I developed shingles, food intolerances, a dust allergy, candida albican and hives. It felt like my body was falling apart, my entire life I’ve been healthy and now the opposite occurred. It’s my physical explaining to me how I kept positivity in place and how I wasn’t willing to see the negative that was there at the same time within me ready to be dealt with. Positive can’t exist without the negative so it was inevitable that this would happen.

So I cried which I hadn’t done in a long time and let a lot of the negativity out, to see who I am and who I had become while not denying half of myself. Within this process of letting go and processing I found out that I had pushed away a feeling of not being happy where I am now in life. Knowing that happiness as we experience it now isn’t a stable factor to rely on, it’s an energy and therefore the opposite outflow of being happy. And yes my whole 6 year stay here in Italy I convinced myself of being happy with my new situation while suppressing the fact that I felt displaced and not belonging anywhere. Searching for this self-worth outside of myself, that I was convinced of finding there. I believed that self-worth had to be brought to me through the fact of who I was for others. Instead of having this stability and self-worth inside myself. Though the others were not seeing me as someone that belonged there, they saw me as displaced and reflected my own belief back to myself which gave me this horrible feeling inside of being eaten away from the inside. And that’s what it was I was slowly letting myself die/decompose letting all life slip away. So I STOPPED and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, till here and NO FURTHER. There was no escaping possible I had to continue facing myself and redefine my situation in common sense in the best interest of all.

I looked at my own created situation together with my partner P., knowing how our dream had looked liked back then 6 years ago. We had not been able to buy a house due to financial misfortunes already starting in Holland when selling our house. We had a stable job when we came here and within 2 years we lost the job due to the starting worldwide crisis and incompatibility with the Italian traditional way of doing business. We lost about 4 times jobs and tried all kind of little jobs on the side line facing every time the unwillingness of the Italians to use opportunities and to work with us. We’ve gone through winters of hardly having money to buy food let alone other stuff. Right now we lost again our jobs within an impossible labor market while trying to live out our Italian dream. My body is sick and so are the bodies of my family and there isn’t enough money to go and see all kind of doctors.The air we breathe is highly polluted by wood stoves and gives me asthmatic problems, schools are even worse then in Holland, food isn’t of a great quality, the costs of life are the same as in Holland only the salaries are way lower. So what the fuck are we doing here chasing a mindfuck?

I have to face myself as the only and ultimate solution and I’ve been busy doing so, yet 43 years of shit are not easily worked through. Step by step I understand who I am with my ugly sides included, though my physical reality asks for an immediate solution since having no job here in Italy,  means for us no money. And what is common sense? Staying there where you ran out of options without a big network in a country where one only get a job when one has connections and where others grant you with a job due to who you are and not what you are able to do? So we came to the conclusion that the best thing for us to do now is remigration to Holland and pick up the network that we left 6 years ago to which we kept more or less in touch with.

After the first investigations within the possibilities of remigration I found out that my remigration to Holland as a Dutch person means the same as emigrating to what ever country. First a job and a house then re-migration, welfare isn’t an option since they do not provide re-migrants with welfare. Holland is not welcoming their expats and re-migrants, it’s simply, once you leave your spot will be taken. When one Googles remigration the first searches are about non Dutch people who want to go back to their birth country, they can get compensation for their trip home and keep a monthly income from the Dutch State. I was astonished to hear and read about the unfriendly treatment of the Dutch State on several blogs from re-migrants, the same story over and over again. Though when we left Holland I remember that the official agencies were quite blunt and made it clear that they weren’t going to put much effort in my questions since I left. Also businesses are not welcoming people with foreign experience, they see them as a threat. Instead of seeing someone with a foreign experience and the ability to adapt they fear people like us.

So deciding to go back will not be easy when it comes to the practical procedure of it and it certainly won’t be a dream or a warm welcome. We will settle for a job and a warm home, instead of a living room at 14 degrees Celsius with the wood stove on. Sleeping in a temperature of 6 degrees isn’t really fun, so I’m basically looking for a dignified life where I can sort myself out and where I can be part of the whole instead of being separated from it. It’s time to end the dream and a second chance would be great, I’m granting myself a second chance I know I’m worth it.

I’m sharing here my Self-Forgivenesses that opened up through writing this blog. The Self- Forgivenesses that I already did over time are not included within this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a dream or a desire as something that can be real without consequences, instead of seeing that dreams and desires are based in energy and therefore not real within the physical reality, it will cause friction between real and unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in the mind and perceive my dreams as real as my physical reality without investigating my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the system and judging it for limiting me, instead of seeing that the system is me and it’s always me that decides to limit myself.Therefore I need to direct myself and take self-responsibility for the limitations I bring on to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality out of fear to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for life and longing for freedom to come and save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the evil outside world while in fact I was blaming my evil inside world for being existent. Therefore I didn’t want to be a person with negative sides I only wanted to see my positive personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality in order to not face the world as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the system for fining and correcting me, instead of seeing that I broke the law and had to face the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my believes in order to keep a dream alive. Instead of seeing that beliefs are not based in common sense and what is best for all and therefore not a solution to any problem to participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for being self-sufficient without seeing that I’m separating myself from the whole and not bringing solutions in the best interest of all when being self-sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of self-sabotage in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience life as a force that is against me, instead of seeing that life is me and being against myself is self-sabotage and therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up as my worse enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and let myself loop within a tree year period where my health was the investment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the negativity within myself and not wanting to take self-responsibility for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry and seeing it as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happy exist as something that is stable and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-worth comes from outside, instead of seeing that self-worth can only be allowed and accepted by me from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly die/decompose and not taking my self-responsibility for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing the scenery will change me and gives me the freedom to not face myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of perceiving a dream as real and worth chasing. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as living in my mind and escaping reality and myself  and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.


Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.