Sylvia's writing to freedom

I have been taken hostage… 04/09/2010

I have been taken hostage by my own mind and I didn’t do anything about it. I manipulated my inner and outer world and knew there was something smelling fishy, but didn’t do anything. Now I’ll stand and do a chart on one of my mind control issues.

Chart 30/8/2010 event 1: Having my menstruation while a “social” event outside the house takes place.

The temptation of resentment takes me into the defense mechanism as the personality of: Self-realizer.

The resentment for doing these “fun” events outside the house make me go into a defense mechanism of knowing there is something that needs to be corrected and there’s a pattern that needs to be stopped and directed. Till now I haven’t corrected myself within this pattern and didn’t apply the knowledge that I gained through years of experience. The fear of loss was too extensive and real to me to be able to do something about it. The only thing I did so far was manipulating situations wherein I was having my menstruation. Going out dancing, but not feeling secure about myself. I left early or didn’t go and justified it with me having my menstruation. Going to other peoples houses and bring them a visit, but not being really comfortable with these people. I justified me not wanting to go to these people with a whole lot of reasons, but the most inconvenient was my menstruation. Going camping and always having my period no matter when we planned the trip. I think I do like camping, but I do not like having to go to dirty toilets, showering in dirty showers, cooking in most inconvenient situations and sleeping uncomfortable in the tent. So I probably do not like camping after all. Why should one put oneself through such an experience when one has far more luxury at home. What kind of sick entertainment is this? These are only a few examples, but there are many many of them.

I did not only manipulated the situation, but also my own body. I manipulated the situation and my body out of fear to lose control over my own life. I didn’t allowed myself to explore new situations in which I felt a lot of anxiety, so I could see for myself that I was able to breathe through those experiences and nothing would have happened to me. The moments that I did leave my safe home the fear made it impossible for me to enjoy myself. This fear of maybe not being in control over my life has always been consuming me totally. The basic fear behind the fear of not being in control is fear of loss.

Now I see how powerful my creative powers are I need to stop this pattern and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resent activities outside my safe home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being all by myself outside my safe home and therefore resenting activities outside the house.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear new situations outside my safe home and thinking I’ll lose control over myself when in a new situation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that unknown situations are unsafe and making me lose control over my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control means the end of me, death.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe my resentment for new situations is something real and therefore I’ve to justify this believe by confirming it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this feeling of resentment for the unknown situations is real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have these feelings of losing control and not seeing that those feelings are a deception and therefore a distraction of what is real.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of fearing to lose control. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m fearing to lose myself. I stop and realise that losing myself is impossible. I haven’t been able to proof to myself that losing myself is real and standing the test of time and therefore it is not valid. I no longer participate within this pattern when I’m confronted with it and breathe through my own deception.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not correct myself within this pattern of fearing to lose control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my inner and outer world while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear me and my creative powers while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to  limit myself within exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to loss myself while exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety when I’m in “social” experiences, unknown and known.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when outside my safe house within a “social” experience.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of control when enjoying myself within “social” experiences.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of limiting myself out of fear of loss.I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that exploring/allowing/enjoying myself within social events isn’t going to make me lose myself. Whenever I see this pattern, I stop, I breath and I will not participate within it.

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