Sylvia's writing to freedom

Hands of Light 12/09/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 19:34

This blog is connected to the following vlog http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-pAnYsegoo

The temptation of the desire to be noticed and resentment to work on myself takes me into the defense mechanism as personality of: Self-justifier and Self-perfecter.

With my participation within Reiki/Light work I felt worthy and it gave me an identity. It gave me self value and a value that others gave to me. I started Reiki out of the desire to help others and I even resented the idea to use Reiki on myself. In my opinion the world was in need and I didn’t’ need anything to work on myself. I was okay. Though whenever, within Reiki groups, others practiced on me I feared them finding my dark side. When I look back, I did it all in full consciousness and I knew there was something abusive going on. Though my drive for “helping others”, wanting to be noticed and to be somebody, pumped up my ego in such an extensive way that I couldn’t see any possibility to let go of this ego point within me. It came down on letting this personality die and move on.

As soon as I found Desteni I also started to browse their web-site for information on Light Work/Reiki. I found exactly what I already deep inside knew, but what I was afraid of, to be true. Energy and therefore energy work isn’t real, but is a make belief world. It only created an dependency for me on energy through which I didn’t move myself by principle. The energy was a deception and a distraction of what I really had to take on. Not wanting to face myself. Knowing in moments the truth of the situation and knowing what’s best for me, but denying these moments by allowing and accepting myself to participate within my mind.

This need for helping others with positivity and love was done by me from a starting point of fear. The fear that others will find out the dishonesties within me. So I tried to cover it up with this helping/caring/loving attitude to see myself as a better person. Being a better person is going against the law of equality which means I wasn’t acting in the best interest of all. This fear  of being exposed was an illusion so I did remain trapped within the polarity-circle of good and bad.

Believing in a higher force that provides me with energy to spread love and positivity is giving away my responsibility. It’s holding tied onto a personality and purely self-interest to find a way to make my world work according to my rules.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear applying oneness and equality, because I fear letting go of my mind, because I know that if I apply me effectively I will change and change is what I fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that love can change the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to manipulate myself and give this false image of myself to hide my dark side.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to value myself more by doing energy work, instead of seeing that energy is a delusion.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to feel the need to get self worth outside myself, instead of being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to cling on to an identity based on energy, instead of realizing that both energy and identity are an illusion.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that identity is part of Self and when taken away Self will no longer exist. Instead of seeing that identity is unstable and Self is stable therefore Self and identity can’t be the same or from the same origin.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to help others out of the fear to be exposed for dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that I was okay and only the world needed help, instead of seeing that I was denying myself by not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to deny myself and not willing to face myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear the dark side in me, not realizing that giving attention to the dark side is taking me in this polarity loop of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to feel the need to be noticed, noticed as a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear not being a good person and being exposed as a bad person. So I will have no where to hide from this and lose myself in the end.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to let my ego run my life, instead of taking responsibility and being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that my ego is part of Self instead to see that ego is part of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to be an addict to energy and creating a make believe world from this energy.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to be an addict to energy and therefore not moved myself by principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to act in self interest by being a better person and giving me the ability to make my world work.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe in a higher force that provides me with energy so that I do not have to take responsibility.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of wanting to help others. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that wanting to help others is fearing others to find out the dishonesties within me. I stop, I breathe and do not participate within this pattern, instead I take responsibility in facing myself and not lose myself within the polarity of good and bad and do what’s best for all.


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