Yesterday when going upstairs to get a print out of the printer, I noticed my son (J), watching video’s behind his computer and I asked him what he was watching. I looked at the screen and saw immediately what he was watching, a Dutch soap called Spangas. It’s about kids in middle school and quite long winded. I was in an attempt to go downstairs again, but I started watching along with J. I was ambivalent about the fact if I should watch the soap or not and felt bad while doing so. I stood there in front of the computer, like frozen and not able to move. I watched the whole 30 minutes, during those 30 minutes I started to breathe more heavenly as if my throat was shrimping. My saliva became thick and sticky and though to swallow. When I went back into my studio I knew there was something of. I did get these memory flashes from about 3 to 4 years ago, when I watched this soap a lot, together with “As the World turns” and the Ophra Winfrey show. All daily returning tv programs which I watched in the first year after my immigration to Italy. I didn’t had much to do back than, I stopped my interior design business in Holland and I hadn’t made a lot of friends yet. My partner went 2 weeks a month back to Holland to finish an assignment, 1 week a month traveling through Italy and 1 week with me and the kids. So I mainly was home alone being a house wife and taking care of the kids. In that same period I experienced hyperventilation attacks and those started the same as how I felt yesterday. It felt like I was back in that moment of watching the soaps again, sucked back into an old pattern. Also today I have been on and of very oppressed, like my throat pipe is half the size in diameter. So I knew I had to investigate this point to avoid further complications and compounding of this point. I stopped watching these programs after I started with the Desteni materials. I saw that it was all a distraction of what really matters and I did it to not face myself. Looking back I realise that I hadn’t done self forgiveness on it, because back than I didn’t know yet about Self-Forgiveness. So it had to come up some day and yesterday was the day.
I did a chart on the event of yesterday and found out that I have to do SF on the desire of not wanting to watch the soap while actual watching it.
So I know now that watching a soap is my trigger point for entering this pattern. A pattern that I didn’t experienced, so extensive, for about 2 years. I started watching soaps with a daily sequence, to create this stable point outside me to distract myself. I had to find a stable point inside me and therefore, face myself. The real point that was underneath this all caused physical outflows in the form of hyperventilation attacks, which happend without any announcement or recognizable motive. It just happend while I was for instance eating and choking in my food, than the coughing changed into a hyperventilation attack. Or just during ironing, while I wasn’t thinking about stressful things nor was I in an actual stressful situation. Back then I hadn’t the faintest idea of what was behind these attacks. I blamed it on the fact that I was alone a lot and taking care of everything. I had to talk to workmen who came over and had to fix things like the internet/electricity/telephone etc., while I hardly spoke Italian at the time. I also thought that the whole immigration event was having more impact on me than I was willing to admit. So yesterday I experienced it again, relived the whole event, luckily enough not as severe as it was before. It didn’t go further than the tinkling in my nose and fingertops. So along the line I must have done some effective SF, but I haven’t touched the core point yet. I was sure that this goes far more deeper than feeling discomfort about a situation. So I did muscle communication on it and I found out that it is an automated pattern which occurs when I’m in certain situations, in this case the soap I watched.
Back than I couldn’t over look my situation. We were waiting in our bad manufactured Italian rented house till our house in Holland was sold, we needed some cash to buy a new house here in Italy. We sold the house so badly and than we won a court case against the buyers to be, but we’ve never got paid the amount of money the judge ordered. We didn’t have any money left to buy something new and it took us a while to find out that taking a mortgage without any possession of money wasn’t possible. So I felt no direction in my life on how to go further and I wasn’t able to direct myself in this period within this point.
The idea of restoring or building our dream house was on my mind for quite some time and even I didn’t know what direction to take at that point in life I wasn’t able to let go of the idea of building our dream house. I was very protective about this idea and I felt that I was worthy to build such a house and worthy to live in such a house.
So the hyperventilation attacks were a reflection of the fear of not being in control over my situation and me feeling as the victim of the whole event. Having these attacks felt like having no control over my breath and breathing, really believing that I could die any moment and grasping for my last breath.
The soap I watched yesterday triggered the automated pattern of the fear to lose control over my situation and I relived it all. Since I haven’t done SF on all the points yet, it was possible to reoccur again. So I will do SF to address the still present fears/emotions/feelings/thoughts/beliefs.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand in that moment and decided to watch the soap.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall into an old habit of watching soaps again, knowing that it wouldn’t lead me anywhere.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that by watching this soap I could be for a moment in a state of zombiness without consequences.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of wanting to watch the soap and at the same time feeling bad about myself while watching the soap.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be captured by my mind and not being able to unfreeze myself and walk away from the computer.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being sucked into a pattern, but not standing and doing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into my memories and reliving the past instead of being here in every moment and every breathe.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to regret not having my own studio anymore and having to stay home all the time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I didn’t have much to do when we first immigrated, instead of facing myself I used my time to numb myself with watching soaps.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself, being alone with the kids all the time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to long for energy within the relationship while my partner was gone a lot of the time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of hyperventilation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could die from hyperventilation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I myself couldn’t do much about the attacks.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear for a hyperventilation attack, already at the point where only my nose or fingertips were tinkling.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel my life as a life without any direction, just overwhelming and happening to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in a period where I felt without direction. Instead of knowing that I’m the director and creator of my own life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by not taking any direction/responsibility for my actions/feelings/emotions/thoughts.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the idea of building my own dream house.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that ounce I had this dream house, life would be okay and I would be happy forever. Instead of seeing that this believe was a camouflage of my mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be the victim in my own created situation, when not feeling in control over my life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being in control over my life, while I’m manifesting my own creations.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I wasn’t in control over my breathe, instead of seeing that I’m breathe.
When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of fear to lose control. I stop, I breath. Within this I realize that I’m fearing me, instead of facing myself in every breath and every moment. I stop, I breath and will no longer participate within this pattern. I see that the energy of this experience is directing me instead of me directing me within self-responsibility.
When and as I see myself participate within the pattern of hyperventilation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realize that going into a hyperventilation attack is leading me into fear and therefore not leading me anywhere. I stop, I breathe and will no longer participate within this energy based pattern.