Sylvia's writing to freedom

Using my birth name 21/10/2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 21:27

A couple of days ago I received a comment on one of my You Tube video’s from DesteniIncome that started of with:”1968piov thank you…”. That turned out to be my trigger point and than the same day or a day later I saw Bernard’s video on “The future of the internet”.

When I was setting up my first You Tube channel, I, by mistake typed the password in the box of the username. When the channel was created I saw the consequences of that mistake. I was frustrated, I hadn’t read and clearly not understood correct what was expected from me, I was in a hurry. Always when I’m in a hurry I make mistakes, because in all these cases I’m not in the here, but up in my mind. Soon I found out that it was irreversible, I left it alone. The only reason for starting the channel, back than, was to watch the desteni video’s. I had not subscribed to anyone, neither made friends or had any subscribers.

Than I posted my first video and my second and it didn’t felt right under the 1968piov name. I tried again if by now I maybe could change my username, but of course not. People started subscribing and I sub’d back, so in fact I was enlarging the problem. At this moment, I couldn’t see through the eyes of my mind, to find a way out of this domino effect. So I said to myself, it’s only a name, but it felt dis-honest and I was stuck into this state of mind. Also my partner said: “the only way to change your name is to open another channel”. I had already opened another channel for the subbing and that was, in the end, not impossible to do. But no action from my part to create a third channel, I was worried about the amount of work that probably would come along with it. So the comment and the video did trigger this point of willing to change my name again, which was stored somewhere in the back of my mind. On the forum I asked for a quick solution/fix, but as I already knew, there wasn’t any. Therefore I took my responsibility and created a new e-mail address and opened a new channel.

At the open forum my first reaction was stating that the only place where I hadn’t used my own name was on my You Tube channel. Than I looked again at the words “real name” and I felt confused. Of course this meant only one thing, dis-honesty. So I redefined what according me, was meant by a “real name”. I had heard already so many times, ones real name is ones birth name. And I felt a shock, because there was only one place where i did used my birth name. When I enrolled in the SRA program.  For 14 years now I haven’t been really clear about using the right name and I do not mean my name, I mean my last name. Since 14 years I’m married and I started to use my husbands name, than 4 years ago when we immigrated to Italy I had to use my birth name again. In Italy women cannot use their husbands last name. There the confusion started, I randomly used my both last names. A year ago I decided to only use my birth name whenever it was asked. I didn’t consider changing the name in all the places where I had left it behind on the internet.

From this point on I started looking back, why I in the first place had been using the last name of my husband when I got married. The justification I used back than, wasn’t really valid. In that time I worked with children and their families and it always confused me whenever the mom had another last name than the child. I didn’t know how to call them and address a question to them. So I decided that this confusion had to be stopped by me through carrying the name of my husband. In fact the real reason when I look back now in self-honesty was; through changing my name in my husbands name I felt more accepted, it unconsciously felt like I owned him and he owned me as this kind of fake security and it was the energy binding that confirmed our relationship.

Over the last year we agreed upon changing our relationship into an agreement for as far we see the points clearly where to change the energy addiction into equality. It’s a long way, but I’m willing to take it on and to put effort in it, so it will be best for all.

Within this whole changing name issue I looked down on my hand and saw my wedding ring. When we agreed upon an agreement I felt that I should take of my wedding ring. I justified it with: it’s just a ring, I like the ring so I wear it as “just a ring”. But this was a delusion… I muscle tested if I had any attachments to the ring as in energy, and indeed I was through the ring still holding on to the relationship and the energy that was attached to it. I tested for a emotion or a feeling and I found out that the ring represented a feeling. It tested out as the feeling, worshipful. Meaning, I’m adoring the relationship. This relationship that stands for feeling safe, not being all alone. And therefore fearing the polarity of being left alone and not being safe anymore. Than I tested if taking of the ring would break the “spell”  and symbolically end this energy thread and it tested, yes. So I will take of the ring as my husband did already years ago, because he didn’t like the feel of it on his finger and hand. He has never put so much emphasis onto the wedding ring as I did.

Wow, I’m really glad that I cleared this point for myself. Okay now some self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated about the mistake I made after typing my user name in the pass word box.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do things in a hurry and for taking the setting up of a channel lightly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself when I knew I was acting out of dis-honesty while using the channel with the wrong name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not being here while creating my first channel, instead of taking this step by step, breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the channel for equality while acting out of inequality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for looking through the eyes of my mind, knowing that being in the mind isn’t being in reality. Therefore it is impossible to find a way to solve problems within reality while being in the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not taking any action to create a third channel while I knew that was the only solution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing my channel, due to losing my subscribers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not taking responsibility right away to change the channel.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to aim for a quick fix and wanting others to deliver it to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to state that I had been dis-honest only in one place when it came to my name, while in fact I had ben honest in only one place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react on the fact that I had been in ignorance when it came to self-honesty about my last name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought about the amount of work that would come along with changing channels.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider to remove the dis-honest last names on the internet when I decided to use my birth name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel confused about my last name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself feel confused and let it direct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for being dis-honest about me using my husbands last name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel more accepted while using my husbands last name.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously feel that I owned my husband by using his last name and through this ownership feeling safe from the rest of reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy was needed to confirm my relationship.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself  to justify me wearing my wedding ring for dis-honest purposes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for holding on to the relationship through the wedding ring.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for adoring my relationship and therefore having all these feelings along with it as feeling safe and not alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for holding on to the symbolic meaning of my wedding ring by still wearing it.

After I recognized my trigger point I was able to act in self-honesty and created a third channel. So I was able to act in the best interest of all by dismissing my dis-honesty.

I finally had the strength to look in self-honesty to the point of me wearing a wedding ring and I came to the conclusion that I can break the “spell” by taking of my wedding ring. I will no longer participate within energy and relationship between me and my partner.

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One Response to “Using my birth name”

  1. Ingrid Says:

    Cool, Sylvia – thanks for sharing


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