Sylvia's writing to freedom

A conversation between moms 30/10/2010

I was working on my computer as one of my clients came by. My Jehova Witness client who seldom comes alone. By now, I could feel myself like a rare specie, because every time she passes by she brings somebody new with her. A few weeks ago she finally did what she had been telling for quite a while, which I hadn’t been encouraging, she bought me a Jehova witness bible in Dutch. I took it, because I had not been standing within this and I didn’t know how to get out of the situation other than lying to her. And lying wasn’t my option, but taking the bible was a big no no. I justified it with: now I’m able to show her how ridiculous her bible is. Of course I knew how deep this woman is involved within her church. When she talks about Jehova her eyes start to twinkle.

 

So we already took 2 sessions to read in this bible where she gave her perspective on it and I gave mine. The more I spoke the more I encouraged her to save me, but that’s something I can see now while stepping back. Today she came by with another woman who I had met already. The hardest part is, they all want to be clients too. So there is a double agenda going on for me here. I had already decided not to read with her in the bible anymore, we’re wasting both our time. I told her, no reading today and she felt my resistance within the whole situation. Later my daughter A. said to me:”Mom she’s getting more persistent than before”. And I also saw it. She promised me a  sewing assignment, just as the other lady did, as if they were trying to keep me interested. It was not the same as before, more capricious then ever. We only talked a bit and I was bussy keeping her of her favorite subject, Jesus. In the end one doesn’t keep Jehova witnesses away from their favorite subject. And than I thought:”If you want it this way, you can have it all the way.” Looking back on it, this is a spiteful thing to think. I felt like I was pushed into a corner, but that’s only a illusion. Only I can put me there through my feelings.

 

They always give you the same examples and I started to get annoyed and bored with them. They told me how great the love of God is and blah blah blah. So I stated:”There is no love, there exist no love and I do not “believe” in love.” Of course I freaked them out and in a way I enjoyed it. They asked me if I didn’t love my husband and my children. I said:”how can you ask me this after I explained equality to you. I love my husband and children as much as I love you, but I’m not calling it love. I call it equality.” And than I stated:” And I neither believe in the purpose of family”. Wow, I was brave, or should I say stupid? Family here in Italy is seen as more holy than the pope himself. Their minds were doing overtime and I saw how determent they were to convince me of how wrong and evil my thoughts were. Again I enjoyed it. Than the other lady said:” I love my son so much that I will cook his favorite food every lunch or dinner, that’s mother love.” I said to her:”No that’s self interest. You are in need for this feeling/energy to confirm that you’re a good mom, a person that nobody wants to miss. So you’re forcing your son into loving you, only because you need this warm feeling?” She totally disagreed of course and than she said:” I even make him his favorite food when I don’t want to, and that’s what strong love is.” I literally jumped on top of her and said:”That’s even worse!!” She looked at me as if I came from another planet. I said:”don’t you see what you’re doing? This is even worse than the first example you gave me.” She had really no clue, but the word self interest had done something inside her. She was shaken and not sure anymore. I said:”see how addicted you are to this energy of wanting to be a good mom. You even push through emotional resistances, which by the way are an illusion, just to get your energy shot.”  Than she said after taking in the whole conversation of today:” How you put it, it sounds like I’m a robot. No no no I’m not a robot.” I reminded her of a previous conversation in which she had concluded the same. She couldn’t recall it, she said. She was puzzled and the other was holding firm on to her bible.They changed subject and said that it was already late and they had to go home. It was obvious that I stirred their emotions/feelings around and maybe I had been effective within this conversation, but my starting point was all wrong. I started the conversation because I was annoyed and bored with them and I felt guilt for not standing when she handed me the bible a few weeks ago. In a strange way I was getting even with them and even enjoyed it. So that’s not what equality is all about and this didn’t make the equality equation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not standing as life and taking the bible from R. instead of telling her up front that I’m not interested in her bible or religion nor participating within any religion.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was no way out and therefore had to take the bible from R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the acceptance of this bible with a possible way to show R. how wrong she is.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to encourage R. to the point that she wants to save me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that R. and her friends can’t just be clients I have to listen to their religious propaganda.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not entirely stand therefore R. is feeling my resistance. The resistance of wanting to keep them as clients, but not wanting to talk religious stuff anymore, because we’re heading nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to confront R. with her dishonesty to keep her happy as my client. Instead of being equal to her and not accepting this bullshit from her I stood in inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts towards R. And justified these thoughts with the idea that she had been asking for the treatment I gave her.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pushed into a corner, knowing that these feelings are not real, although I acted on these feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed and bored with R. and her friend instead of seeing that I was annoyed and bored with myself for not standing as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy freaking R. and her friend out, instead of being one and equal to them. Not willing to see that they are in a self delusional phase of process and therefore it’s impossible to communicate at the same level at this moment in the here. with them

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek this energetic charge out of this encounter.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about me not standing within conversations with R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy getting even with R. and her friend, knowing that I was as responsable as them for the situation we created.

 

When and as I see myself participate in seeking energy from conversations with R. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m directing me and not the energy such as annoyance or boredom. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within this pattern of energy seeking.

 

When and as I see myself participate within the feeling of being the victim and not able to direct myself. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that I can direct myself and do not have to participate within these religious conversations to keep R. and her friends as my clients. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within the pattern of being the victim instead of being my own directive force. So I will no longer participate within their religion through talking to them and feeding their need to save me.

 

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