This morning, while cutting endless peaces of fabric for curtains for a client, I was reflecting upon yesterday. I had made the commitment to write everyday a blog and yesterday evening I was sitting in front of my computer and staring at an empty template. I couldn’t think of anything to write and the few things I came up with I disregarded as not interesting enough to share. So I asked myself why I write these blogs, if I disregard things as not interesting enough than I might write to entertain. And maybe I am, because that’s the way I used to write. My starting point for my blog was that of being effective within my writing to assist myself within process and to involve others so they might understand what I’m doing. I label myself as effective when others pay attention to what I write, I also label myself as effective when I break through a point or when things become clear to me after writing it down. So it must always be a spectaculair moment, wow now I look at it I can clearly see what I’ve been doing. Normal daily stuff isn’t good enough for me otherwise I had filled in my template with words last night. Fuck, I’m disregarding myself and I do not see myself as interesting and spectaculair enough to expose myself on the internet…
There were 2 points I could have written about yesterday yet I shove them aside. I resisted to write about it, because I didn’t really saw myself within the events. I didn’t see myself yet I was cristal clear within my communication towards myself. I didn’t see myself while I was screaming at myself. The first event was me commenting on Brett’s topic on the open forum of the Desteni web-site. Basically I asked him not to post these kind of topics on the open forum when he wasn’t going to share himself or his process with others. I asked him if it was out of loneliness that he posted these things so he could just communicate with others. I checked my starting point before posting the post, but I didn’t hear me screaming to myself. In a way I was reacting to his post while I was dealing myself with the point of not sharing me with myself. I refused to communicate with myself through writing and it’s not been the first time.
Than later that day my partner P. said that he found my current writings really assisting. I hesitated, but said to him:” you can’t go through process only by reading about the processes of others”, my point didn’t came across clearly and I wasn’t willing to clarify my self more. In fact again I was screaming to myself and didn’t hear it. I am not consistent within my own writings and that’s where my responsibility lie’s, I can’t order P. to start writing himself through his own process. He has to figure that out for himself, I can only be an example.
Looking back at yesterday it was as if I had shifted into another dimension. I had been a zombie throughout the day. I was searching for myself while I was tapping on my own shoulder. Today I’m back in the here and now and started the morning of with a coughing fit, after watching my facebook wall, and it ended up in a hyperventilation attack. I immediately started the 4 counts breathing technic and within a few minutes I cleared the attack. I saw how it all interconnected, it was all about communication. I have to commit to communicating with myself and therefore my outer world. I need to unconditionally share and express myself to progress within my process. If I’m not unconditionally willing to change myself, how on earth can I reflect my change upon society. If I want change, I have to change.
I can also see now how this point of communication is connected to the point of resisting to learn to speak Italian more effective. That one is on my list to open up next. Than I will share my self forgivenesses and corrective statements.