Yesterday evening the phone rang and a friend of my partner P. called. From what I heard, the conversation was about hiking. When P. hang up he didn’t say anything and went on doing his things. Normally he tells what it is all about. When we went to bed I asked him if he was going to hike the next day. He wasn’t sure yet, he said.
This morning P. brought the kids to school and did the last groceries for the weekend. When he came back he started preparing his back pack, which he normally takes with him when he goes hiking. So I asked if he had made up his mind and if he was going to hike. He wasn’t yet sure he told me. I felt energy going around inside my body and I started to be aware of the fact that the energy was already accumulating since last night.
I was working behind my sewing machines for the wife of this friend of P. and he told me that this friend T. and his wife J. wanted to go hiking together with a Dutch friend of them who is staying with them. So you’re going then, I asked. Yes I’m going said P. I said to him:” I just want to know if I have to collect the kids from school and cook lunch at the same time or if you collect the kids”. I’m back in time P. said to get the kids. I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. I laid a blueprint of other memories on top of this event, where P. wasn’t back in time to collect the kids and when I had to drive to school at the last minute. I was getting worked up and making everything into something difficult. The underlining issue here was the fact that I was pissed they hadn’t asked me to join them hiking. I had to stay home and do the sewing and the cooking. I laid more memory blueprints on top of this event. I said to P. with a nice voice that I was surprised that T. and J. hadn’t asked me to join them. P. said: “normally you don’t want to come along with me and they always hear me talking about hiking”. Again I wasn’t satisfied. I do not have a really positive view on T. and J., they are together with P.working in a foundation at a voluntary basis and they claim P. for almost everything. They call him throughout the day and evening and I haven’t been feeling good about this. When I come to think of it, it’s like rivalry. When they claim P. I can’t claim P. Do I see here relationship energy, Sylvia?
So I was staying home feeling sorry for myself and did my sewing. Than around 11:30 my daughter A. called from school, she had a terrible headache and was feeling sick. She wanted me to pick her up earlier from school. So I went to the neighbouring city to collect A. While at the school, I asked if my son J. was also allowed to go home 1 hour earlier, because I had to come all the way from outside the city. I took both kids home, A. went straight to bed and I started cooking lunch. I was struggling with the thought if I should call P. to tell him that the kids are already home. If I call than he’s going to take it really easy and won’t be home for lunch so if I won’t tell him than he will be home for lunch for sure. Than it popped into my mind that it could be P. not even would bother to come inside the house before driving to school and pick up the kids. I felt like I wanted to punish him for maybe not coming home in time, but at the same time I saw how that could play out. P. going to school for nothing, spending petrol on a useless trip while our budget is tight. So I grab the phone and called him, but his phone was in an area with no signal. Again I was mad at him, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Just a second before P. had to collect the kids he called me back and I was glad I could tell him that the kids were already home. Really exhausting when I’m participating within these energy games, emotions and feelings.
When P. and I were doing our daily walk around the block, he told me how T. had asked him if I was still keeping my head bald or if I had a change of heart and let my hair grow back again. P. had said: “yes, she’s keeping her head bald”. P. had explained to him that I was standing for world equality and that’s not something one stands for and than a week later forget about it. T. is more a man of the middle road and he didn’t really understand why I should leave my head bald. I also remembered that T. isn’t really comfortable while being around me and my bald head, so that could have been a reason why they didn’t asked me to join them hiking.
The whole day I was keeping myself into this state of self pithiness. When P. threw a peace of young just chopped wood on the stove, before he went into the vegetable garden, and didn’t communicate this with me or the kids. I was mad at him again. “Why aren’t you communicating with me”: I said. If he had shared this information I could have acted upon it and than the fire wouldn’t had gone out. I didn’t even think about my own responsibility. Than P. reminded me of the laundry that was still hanging outside, he asked if I could take it inside. And than the bomb exploded, I was so fed up with him. I started coughing and went into a hyperventilation attack. I directed myself and went outside to get the laundry inside while doing the 4 count breathing. Within seconds the attack went away. Than I decided to stop right there in that moment with all the bullshit I had been participated in today. I did self forgiveness out loud.
Tomorrow must be another day without all these feeding of energy. If I keep doing things this way, process is going to be a though path. I know when I’m participating within these energies, I’m fully aware, therefore I need to take my responsibility for all my actions and all my words, spoken or in thoughts. I need to do the equality equation at all times and change me within the moment and breath.