Today I made the commitment to myself to finish the curtains for my client J.. I worked the whole morning and a little bit of the afternoon without constantly checking my computer, therefore no distraction. The curtains I made are of linen and produce a lot of dust and I’m constantly coughing. J. wanted curtains with loops to hang onto a rod. The linen fabric feels just like gauze bandage and is difficult to sew without damaging. To go short it’s just a lot of work. While working on it today I realised that whenever I have to do work that contains repeating patterns, I get bored and do not want to continue anymore. To make it more easy for myself I split the work up in different parts, like with the curtains I first cut all the fabric, than I made all the loops and than I completed every time one part of a pair of curtains. So I ordered the actions that had the same repeating sequences. Within the last part of completing one peace of a curtain I felt even more resistance. My mind kept on negotiating about the sequences, I committed to completing one peace at a time, but my mind wanted me to do first all the hems, than attaching the looses and than attaching the back cover. I kept to my commitment, but it was hard.
I’m really reliefed when I finish one part out of the sequence, a way of being able to oversee how much enslavement I still have to endure. Though by realising what was happening I wanted to find out what this was all about. Since my point of keeping in control is popping up everywhere, I wanted to know what this was all about instead of letting this go and deal with it on a later occasion. No hiding behind the curtains so to speak.
I muscle tested for the word lunacy. It’s lunacy that I’m doing these kind of repeating sequences. Or I commit and do the work without whining or decide to not do the work, one or the other. Than I searched for the underlining emotion or feeling and it tested out to be a feeling ; jubilant. This is all about the feeling I have when I finish the complete task. But what is this resistance I feel before I have to start these certain tasks? I mc tested if it was any feeling or emotion and it tested out to be a feeling; openness. It didn’t ring a bell, so I searched further and tested through a book. I tested the following part: “I understand. It’s just a matter of belief”. It’s a matter of believe that I think I need these sequences of action to be able to complete a task. So I need to be open with myself and direct self to commit to a task or not commit to a task. There is no need for me to put up a smoke screen, just do what I need to do and be transparent with myself without fooling around. There is no need to put feelings into the process of making curtains, it’s just what it is: making curtains.
I could also do a mind construct and go really in dept within this event, but that takes more time and for now this is all I have. I still have to translate a other blog article, so it will be late tonight anyways.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need these repeating sequences to complete a boring task.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel jubilant after finishing a part of a task or the complete task.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance while starting a task.
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be open with myself and direct myself without feelings that interfere.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this lunacy and let me being distracted of what needs to be done within the physical.