Sylvia's writing to freedom

Hiding behind the curtains 08/11/2010

Today I made the commitment to myself to finish the curtains for my client J.. I worked the whole morning and a little bit of the afternoon without constantly checking my computer, therefore no distraction. The curtains I made are of linen and produce a lot of dust and I’m constantly coughing. J. wanted curtains with loops to hang onto a rod. The linen fabric feels just like gauze bandage and is difficult to sew without damaging. To go short it’s just a lot of work. While working on it today I realised that whenever I have to do work that contains repeating patterns, I get bored and do not want to continue anymore. To make it more easy for myself I split the work up in different parts, like with the curtains I first cut all the fabric, than I made all the loops and than I completed every time one part of a pair of curtains. So I ordered the actions that had the same repeating sequences. Within the last part of completing one peace of a curtain I felt even more resistance. My mind kept on negotiating about the sequences, I committed to completing one peace at a time, but my mind wanted me to do first all the hems, than attaching the looses and than attaching the back cover. I kept to my commitment, but it was hard.

I’m really reliefed when I finish one part out of the sequence, a way of being able to oversee how much enslavement I still have to endure. Though by realising what was happening I wanted to find out what this was all about. Since my point of keeping in control is popping up everywhere, I wanted to know what this was all about instead of letting this go and deal with it on a later occasion. No hiding behind the curtains so to speak.

I muscle tested for the word lunacy. It’s lunacy that I’m doing these kind of repeating sequences. Or I commit and do the work without whining or decide to not do the work, one or the other. Than I searched for the underlining emotion or feeling and it tested out to be a feeling ; jubilant. This is all about the feeling I have when I finish the complete task. But what is this resistance I feel before I have to start these certain tasks? I mc tested if it was any feeling or emotion and it tested out to be a feeling; openness. It didn’t ring a bell, so I searched further and tested through a book. I tested the following part: “I understand. It’s just a matter of belief”. It’s a matter of believe that I think I need these sequences of action to be able to complete a task. So I need to be open with myself and direct self to commit to a task or not commit to a task. There is no need for me to put up a smoke screen, just do what I need to do and be transparent with myself without fooling around. There is no need to put feelings into the process of making curtains, it’s just what it is: making curtains.

I could also do a mind construct and go really in dept within this event, but that takes more time and for now this is all I have. I still have to translate a other blog article, so it will be late tonight anyways.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need these repeating sequences to complete a boring task.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel jubilant after finishing a part of a task or the complete task.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance while starting a task.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be open with myself and direct myself without feelings that interfere.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this lunacy and let me being distracted of what needs to be done within the physical.


One Response to “Hiding behind the curtains”

  1. Valentin Rozman Says:

    Thanks for sharing Sylvia!

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