Sylvia's writing to freedom

How can I not see the importance? 09/11/2010

How can I not see the importance of learning Italian? For quite some time now, to be precise 4 years, I’ve been doing a lot of smooth talking about why I wasn’t able to learn Italian on a certain level. The importance to learn Italian is now unfolding to me more and more. How could I be so blind? Through writing this question out, I see that I’m blaming myself knowing that blaming won’t turn back the clock and isn’t an action of self direction.

Before we immigrated I did a course for about one and a half year in Holland. We mainly learned how to be able to speak Italian on a holiday, so I had a base, but it didn’t provide me with a practical use of the language for day to day living. So I labeled the course as insufficient and not what I was looking for. Finger pointing of course and shoving off responsibility. Since many years I tell myself that I don’t have a big talent for learning languages, like my mom. It’s obvious that I lived this opinion, but I haven’t changed anything about it till so far.

I was told that most villages in Italy have free Italian courses. The town we moved to didn’t have the courses anymore. I started to study my old books again and used dvd’s from a friend, but I didn’t have any real commitment. Than a friend of us, who is also school teacher, was willing to give private lessons twice a week. I did this for about a year, my Italian improved, but still no 100% commitment and I had really high expectations of myself. Of course I didn’t live up to my expectations, so back to blaming myself again. Useless of course and again not a real motivation to direct myself. We moved to another village and I started free lessons at the town hall twice a week. I met a lot of nice people who were in my class, but I didn’t learn anything new and I started to get bored with the lessons. A total lack of responsibility here. It’s me who has to make such an event into something worthwhile for me, I can’t just blame the teacher. The next year I didn’t go and used an excuse to not have to disappoint the teacher. During this year I didn’t do anything with the language except for speaking it in public and getting corrected by my partner P. all the time. I hated it, because he was constantly confronting me with my lack of effort to learn Italian. I started to dislike the language, made stupid comments about it, only to hide my sense of inferiority towards this language. Last September I decided that I couldn’t go on like this anymore, I’m frustrating myself and my surroundings. People do not easily start a conversation with me except for the weather and housekeeping issues. I feel like a four year old when trying to express myself. Till now I wasn’t willing to let my partner P. lecture me. He’s almost a native speaker and likes to teach, SO WHY DON’T YOU WORK WITH WHAT’S HERE? Excuses and excuses. I cannot be taught by my spouse, we probably will get into an argument. BLA BLA BLA. Maybe  he doesn’t want to teach me? All future projections. So I didn’t allow any bullshit anymore and I asked P. if he was willing to teach me. Yes, why not he said. I also asked our American friends A&J to join the lessons, they can also use some language boost. For me it’s perfect to team up with them and at the same time while learning Italian I learn some more English. They liked the idea to do it in a group to feel some more responsibility towards the group to keep the level up and do our homework.

Since A&J are not available for lessons till half November, P. and I decided to start already in October. The first time went pretty well, I did some tests to show P. at what level I’m exactly at. At the end our daughter A. started to interfere and laughed about my mistakes and the sentences in the book that were all wrong on purpose. I realised that my ego was bruised, it was like I had competed with her and lost. I noticed myself to becoming crossed with her. Something she didn’t deserve. I asked her not to be like that. Horrible now I come to think of it. I forbid her to express herself, because my ego was too big. The second time went well till the point that P. said: “Your verbs are lousy, you simply need to learn them”. My mind wanted to shut down and I started yawning. Learning my verbs means putting in effort and full commitment, which I’m clearly not planning to do yet. The third time we postponed it and I deliberately did not think about it that week. The fourth time we simply didn’t do it and this evening I’m writing out my pattern. Next week A&J will join in and I want to be ready without any resistances.

I feel like I can not be trusted if it comes to this point. I let this point disable me to work as an interior designer like I did in Holland. I let it disable me to get a nice job, to build up a social network, to express myself, to do my own translations of my articles, to do video’s in Italian, to be ready for politics or awareness building within society. I disabled myself to be an effective being within the system. How can I promote an Equal Money System here in Italy when I’m not being able to express myself in Italian? I can imagine, Berlusconi asking me all kinds of nasty questions and I’m not able to answer any of it, a big laughing audience to complete the whole scene.

I muscle tested wich underlying emotion was causing my resistance and I tested out for; lowness. Meaning: in a low position, low value, inferiority towards the language. Also the emotion; suppressed tested out. Meaning suppressing these emotions of lowness and expressing this in nonchalance and lack of a 100% commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to see how much was depending on me learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself while knowing that blaming is not a solution in itself. Self direction and self honesty will make me act and move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to finger point at the Dutch course while not taking any responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m the same as my mom and not good at learning languages. Therefore I lived this believe/opinion while it wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change my opinion about me being bad at languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad when it comes to learning languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed about the fact that there was no Italian course within our village.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a 100% commitment when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have high expectations of myself while I never tested those expectations in reality, therefore I was measuring myself according to a idea.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being good enough and not living up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bored with the free Italian lessons and not taking any responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my lack of participation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use an excuse to say no to the free Italian lessons, instead of being transparent and honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being corrected by P. while in fact I was being confronted with my lack of commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dislike the Italian language to hide my feeling of inferiority towards the language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to frustrate myself and my surroundings and put myself in a lower position within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with what is here when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project all kinds of ideas into the future about what could have happend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my ego was bruised while A. made some comments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself for being in  a competition with A. when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be crossed with A. because she was expressing herself and my ego couldn’t handle it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yawn when I’m confronted with the lack of commitment when it comes to learning my verbs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone the lessons because I didn’t feel like doing them due to my resistances. As if my resistances are a valuable excuse to not do the lessons.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be trusted with this language point and therefore disabling myself to be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of lowness and suppressing this emotion of lowness. Wherein the outflow of this all is the lack of commitment and a nonchalant attitude towards learning the language.

I will no longer suppress the emotion of lowness and be inferior to the Italian language, because I realise that I’m sabotaging myself and my effectiveness within society with this behavior. Therefore I breathe an stop and will no longer participate within this pattern.

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One Response to “How can I not see the importance?”

  1. Valentin Rozman Says:

    Thanks Sylvia! I would like to find out why and when did you moved to Italy, but I will ask you via FaceBook to find out more about you,


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