Sylvia's writing to freedom

Choking in a peanut had nothing to do with it 10/11/2010

Since 2 or 3 weeks now I have this dry cough, that’s making my throat itchy and makes me cough even more. From all the coughing I start having a sensitive throat and at the same time my ears start to hurt or more the duct that connects my ears and throat. After so much coughing my stomach got really upset and my food comes up after a lot of coughing, this gives me gastric acid that burns in my gullet and again pain in the duct between my throat and ears. After a week or so my sinus produced lots of mucus which drips in my throat and is really sticky to swallow, so I have to cough more to get rid of it and than the whole cycle of symptoms start again. I never use medicines for these kind of disorders. Although yesterday I bought some tablets for my throat, when my son J. saw the package he was surprised. “I thought you didn’t use medicines?”: he said. I justified it with, these are just tablets no real medicines. Of course the tablets are not healing, I just wanted to do something about my condition. I should have bought a package with self responsibility, but I haven’t seen that at the pharmacy.

Today it was less intens, sometimes I wasn’t even able to speak with all the mucus on my vocal cords. Anyways I’m fed up with it. I do recall that since we live here in Italy I have this disorder every winter or at the end of autumn. I noticed that when it started I was almost at ease with it, because that’s how it has been the past few years. Illness isn’t something to be at ease with, it is telling me something. BUT WHAT?

When illness/a disorder occurs it says first of all that I’m not stable within.That’s not a big surprise, I ‘m in the middle of my process or rather at the beginning. Am I creating this disorder for some purpose? There must be some underlining point that wants to communicate with me through this disorder. For a moment I couldn’t come up with the last sentence, my mind completely blocked it, as I already knew within my mind what to  write. Interesting though. I also had moments when I come to think of it when the mucus was so sticky that I couldn’t swallow it. I couldn’t because I couldn’t make this reflex of swallowing, just stuck within the action. A bit freaky, because it feels like holding your breath too long. But breath takes me through these moments.There’s a memory that pops up in my mind.

I was about 8 years old and had been eaten peanuts. My mom always said:”You can eat peanuts, but you have to sit down otherwise you might choke in it”. I had been running around with my little brother and than I felt a peanut slipping into my air pipe. I had been coughing and I could act as normal afterwards except for this feeling that continued. I kept on feeling the peanut in my air pipe, I was too afraid to communicate this with my parents, because they had warned me before it happend. This feeling of the peanut being stuck in my air pipe didn’t go away for a few weeks. I had fear to sleep and thinking I would never wake up again. I couldn’t eat properly, because I thought this peanut was making my throat smaller. I sieved al my food through my teeth and it took ages to finish eating. One day this issue wasn’t there anymore and I continued my life as normal. I muscle tested if this story had anything to do with my current disorder and I tested out for no.

I tested for a word in the dictionary that could explain my underlining condition, I tested out for the word; extend. The fear for extending. To be or become extended; stretch out in various or all directions. So it’s the stretching out I’m doing by participating within Desteni and earlier on the immigration. I’m doing or are about to do things I had never considered before. It’s the fear for the unknown and the fear for losing control over the unknown. Which is absurd, to fear something I am not even aware of yet.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest this point into the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind to create this manifestation within the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear extending.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself limited by not daring to extend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stretching out in various or all directions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself imprisoned within the believes and ideas I did have about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things I never had considered to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear thinking out of the box and act accordingly to it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that all that is unknown is something to be afraid of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control over the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control over the unknown will make me disappear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear something that isn’t yet in the here and now.

I realise that I’ve been participating within a pattern of fear, the fear for the unknown. I stop, I breathe. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with future projections based on no experienced information, I will slow down and breathe. I will take life step by step in every moment and breath so I will be capable of directing myself here in the physical. To avoid any physical outflows of not taking self responsibility.

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