Sylvia's writing to freedom

Breath 12/11/2010

A few days ago I left a comment on Lindsay’s blog, about the fact that I do not envy her for dealing with all her friends and old friends. I haven’t got that many “friends” left after about 30 times moving to a new place. The few old friends are mostly not very active with e-mail and can’t be found on the internet. So till this comment I wasn’t very determent by facing old friends. I shoved it off for later.

Yesterday I found an e-mail in my inbox of one of my old friends K.. It was a reply on an e-mail which I had send her 6 months ago after a comment of K. on my web shop. She wrote me that she isn’t an active e-mailer, but for me she would make an exception (?). Than more words about how bad she’s in replying and how shocked she was when she saw the date on the e-mail I had send her. Than she asked for my phone number and said that she would call me soon. Till so far no call. Yesterday evening I started to imagine about how it would be when she would call me, getting all worked up about it. What shall I say to her, how will she react. She obvious hasn’t seen any of my bald pictures so she has no clue of what I’m doing currently. Do I need to tell her all about it. Will she still be into Reiki, I was the one who introduced her into light work. Than I had a terrible cough fit and was almost hyperventilating. Only in that moment of discomfort I saw/realised what I was doing. I was projecting all kinds of irrelevant questions into the future. For what? The fear of extending/expanding myself? Yes, that’s the fear I muscle tested it, because in facing old friends I extend myself in self-honesty in every breath and every moment. Directing me on a self willed base through these encounters. This cough fit sucks and feels quite shitty. I certainly commit to self honesty, but I still have this polarity within me represented by two voices, the mind and I… In the moment of the fit I got hold on my breath again and forgave myself.

Today my partner P. totally stripped my laptop to put in a new hard disk. Therefore I had no access to my computer. Yesterday I made the commitment to myself to do each morning a vlog and each evening a blog. I reacted on the fact that I couldn’t do a vlog and there wasn’t going to be another moment to do a vlog. Though I wanted to do it around noon there was a moment free, but by then my voice wasn’t cooperating. I built up more frustration and at the time when I was taking my first bite in my cheese burger I choked in my food. P. and the kids looked at me as if they saw me die. The choking went into a hyperventilation attack/panik attack, it was as if I had to breath through a straw. I went into the kitchen, I tried to calm myself down by doing the four count breathing. It was quite difficult this time. I needed air and opened the kitchen door, my mind suggested fresh air. Of course the attack was indoors the same as outdoors, what’s the difference when it’s all about me. I walked within a pacing run underneath my clothesline trying to get some breathe again and doing the four count breathing. I wanted to pull myself up as if I had fallen into this deep pitch and had to crawl up. My mind made me believe that I was about to die, but I saw really clear what delusion my mind was taking me in. I DID NOT ACCEPTED IT AND I CANNOT ALLOW MY MIND TO DIRECT ME. I did self forgiveness inside my head, because talking wasn’t yet possible. My God what am I doing to myself? Just out of the fear of extending myself, how can this fear be true? How real is fear, this fear is a perception of my mind to keep me in its grip and to keep me enslaved in fear. NO, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE WITHIN FEAR AND THE MIND. I’M NOT OF THE MIND, I’M OF LIFE AND I CAN EXTEND MYSELF WITH SO MUCH EASE THAT IT WOULD FREAK MY MIND OUT. Who died ever of extending oneself? All I have to do is be aware of this trap and in the end diffuse the point. I can do that. I can change from within just as everybody, we have to. If we can not even direct ourselves, what has to become of this world that is a perfect reflection of ourselves?

I went indoors and the kids and P. were very relieved that I spoke and was breathing normal again. This point is a though one, but I will get through it and waiting for the next point to show up.

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