Today I was watching video’s and in the meanwhile I removed a broken zipper out of a dress. The dress was lying on my lap and at a certain moment I wondered what that strong fragrance was. Looking around I noticed that the fragrance came from under my nose. The dress I was repairing had been washed with an amount of washing powder for at least a hundred of these dresses. After sewing the new zipper in, I ironed the dress. The heat reinforced the strong fragrance and by then my nose was filled with the soap scent. When my partner P. came into the room, he said:”What’s smelling so strong and awful in here?” At first I looked at him as if he was speaking Chinese, than I realised that the fragrance had spread through the room.
Here in Italy you can smell immediately when your neighbour has done the laundry, it simply fills the air. After 4 years Italy I cannot remember if the fragrance of the washing powder is stronger here than in Holland. Italians simply use bigger amounts of powder I think, we Dutch people are known for our stinginess so that might be the difference. When we have children over to play we smell them even when they are gone. It’s mostly a fresh fragrance and at least it’s not a heavy sweat scent. Though within this last sentence I can clearly see that this is a polarity of good and bad. The soap fragrance is good and the sweat scent is bad, but in essence they are one of a kind. Both when strong and in big amounts disgusting, both when applied mildly nice and fresh.
I react towards soap fragrances as well as P.. It’s not only soap, also perfume or room/toilet fragrances, deodorant, cleaning soaps etcetera. Reacting is revealing, so I dug into my past to see why I was reacting.
Within my conspiracy and health period I gathered information about fragrances. Synthetic fragrances are bad for ones health, therefore it’s better to avoid them. My mind labeled them as BAD and dangerous. Commercials keep on telling us that fragrances are signs of freshness and cleanness. That’s been taught to me from a young age. Drying yourself with a fresh and clean smelling towel feels nice. Sleeping under your clean washed sheets feels safe and cosy.
It looks like there are two definitions labeled at the same word within my mind and they are active at the same time. The fragrances give me this feeling of nostalgia and at the same time I feel that I’m endangering myself by staying in this fragrance. A struggle so to speak where the feelings according to survival are winning. This results in: doing the laundry with none scented products and no synthetic fragrances in the house. Am I limiting myself here?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to label synthetic fragrances as bad and a endangering for my health.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when laundry has a synthetic fragrance it’s clean.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that make believe cleanness can make me feel safe and cosy.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to struggle with two definitions of one word at the same time, which creates chaos and unnecessary struggle that leads to nowhere which takes me out of reality without taking any responsibility and not directing myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not use any synthetic fragrance products out of fear to become sick.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of survival when there isn’t a real threat for life and death.
I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I stop, I breathe. I realise that it’s just a scent and only the thoughts of “bad for my health” can make me sick. I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I will simply be neutral and notice if it’s a strong scent or a mild one without extreme reactions towards it. I breathe and direct myself.