Sylvia's writing to freedom

What retarded race are we? 17/11/2010

Today I wanted to make a video about EMO, it’s a type of lifestyle that I see quite often here in Italy. I’d never investigated what it was all about, so I started browsing the internet this afternoon. Collecting pictures and emo music and slowly but surely I understood why these kids are doing what they do and how they justify it all. As in all kinds of scenes or groups, when teenagers take the message the wrong way, being in such a group  can have catastrophic results. I read about a girl that had committed suicide, she had been listening to a lot of dark rock music and had been practising with auto mutilation. She had told her mom, who asked about it, that it was an initializing practice among emo’s.

The more extreme the lifestyles are the better the observer ( in this case me) can see how these teenagers create a whole fake world around them to manifest an identity. In essence it’s the point of acceptance, almost all of us want to belong to a group and feel accepted. One performs the rites of the group and is granted with an identity. No more searching, just keep it easy and simple. We have such a lack of self worth that the others within the group have to confirm that we are worthy and therefore a member of the group. Instead of being part of a group, participating within the group, because one sees that doing what’s best for all is also best for themselves. Without self interest and knowing that when one accepts oneself, one does not need validation from outside oneself. To practically apply and live this, most of us will not  experience this state of acceptance before we die.

I still see points of acceptance within me, but I’m able to see in those moments that I’m seeking outside of myself for validation. Therefore I can direct myself within that moment. When looking back on my life I can point out the moments in which I was seeking self validation outside myself, but also these moments  can be forgiven. That’s the great thing of process I’m always able to clean up the mess in the past and in the now what is an outflow of the past.

Back to my video again I had some problems with recording my voice. First of all my vocal cords are still covered with mucus and makes it hard to speak for a few minutes in a row. Than I  thought, after playing the recording back, that the sound was too soft. Later my partner P. found out, after recording it another time, that the volume of my computer was low. Frustration was building up. I had to ask my son J. to rip some music from a YT video to use in my video. I hated it,  to be depended on my son, who was still making his movie with his sister and the girl next door. Than I wasn’t able to do the Ken Burn effect on the pictures and P. wanted to experiment with the type of saving of the movie, before the uploading. I had to make dinner and I saw time passing by. Three times I had to redo the settings before YT accepted the amount of tags. They only said, too many tags. So how many am I allowed to add than? I went for 20 tags the last try and that worked. I was agitating myself and than P. got agitated about my agitation. He basically told me to take responsibility. Why was I so agitated? I made this commitment to myself to deliver one video a day for the coming period and I felt bad for maybe letting myself down. Two years ago I had probably felt bad about disappointing others within such a process, now the outside world wasn’t on my mind. Though the results/outflows were not different from how I was doing back than. I was agitated and was manifesting big time. Funny how I first created a situation and than began blaming my outside world for the situation I created in the first place. What retarded race are we?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let frustration/energy build up, instead of looking for the real point of frustration.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being depended on my son J., because I don’t want to claim him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to claim J. his time while I could have installed real player myself and find out how to do it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be depended on J. instead of directing myself and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated over the computer who wasn’t doing what I wanted  it to do, instead of seeing that I was building up energy and synchronically manifesting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about the possibility of me letting myself down. Instead of seeing that I was projecting into the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my outside world for what I had created.


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