This morning I watched the YT video of Gabriel ZM in which he explains what a certain band and a certain song had meant to him and how he uses it now to support himself to take him back in the here and now. His story made me look and investigate into my own life to see what certain kinds of music had meant to me.
When I was little and even before I was born, my grandmother had a children’s choir and several choirs for adults. When I became four years old she gave me the outfit of her children’s choir. I felt proud and part of her world, we lived two hours driving from my grandparents and therefore I didn’t see the choir sing very often. Without understanding why I was always attracted towards choirs, I joined the Protestant church choir at the age of 8. When I moved out to go and study art I searched for a choir and became a member of a gospel choir. I wrote a musical and songs, no music only the lyrics, I enjoyed myself and it felt as the path to take within my life. When I moved to Amsterdam to study social work, I searched again for a choir to belong to.
I found a Baptist church which was just at that moment forming a gospel choir. Since moving out of my parents house at the age of 19 I hadn’t been in church again. The founder of the new choir invited me to a service of theirs to understand from where they were coming. So I went the next Sunday to church to meet these people. I was thrilled about the songs they sang in church, they were clapping within certain rithems and they sung in parts. In front of the church was a band playing and I was attracted and drawn into this scene. I started practising with the choir and kept attending the services at Sunday mornings. I made new friends and I felt like I belonged. I found out that they also held services at Sunday evening with only singing, I was thrilled again. At a certain point I was even baptised.
I witnessed the other adolescents of the group that were to be baptist and they were happy and ready to serve the Lord. I on the other hand wasn’t even considering serving the Lord, I felt happy for the fact that they let me join their church community. I felt high and full of energy after singing and joining this church community. The parson of the church held an interview with me a few weeks before the baptising would take place. He asked how I was standing within the whole event, I didn’t really know what to say. I told the parson that it made me happy, that was normal he said. At the most the conversation took about 10 minutes, I had nothing to share. The day itself I was nervous, not so much about the baptising and the religious meaning of it. I was nervous about doing all the rites proper, so they wouldn’t dismiss me from the community. As if they would do such a thing. The choir ended up as a semi professional choir and every weekend we were singing somewhere else. After choir rehearsal I was always full/loaded with energy, when I came home I started browsing in advertising leaflets which I saved up for this purpose. I did this browsing with such speed it was almost inhuman, but my way to release the surplus of energy.
Quite soon I was fed up with the people in the community and their little world. We went twice a year away with the choir for a long weekend to do extra practising. After the first time I hated it, they only spoke about God, obviously. The singing was only practising parts of a song with a part of the choir to study on the polyphony. No great singing, only being locked up in an isolated location with these people. When I met my partner P. I convinced him to join us and he did. One of our choir members turned out to be a parson wannabe. Every occasion when we where performing he grabbed the moment to speak and preach. It was hard for me to stand still and to listen to him talking nonsense. I didn’t have the guts to speak up and confess to the audience that I didn’t agree with him, but that’s how I felt inside. After I had my first child we moved out of Amsterdam and I stopped attending church services and the choir. It was quite a process to disengage myself from the community and the singing. The dislike for the whole religious ambiance made it possible for me to cut loose and to never search again for a choir again.
The week after I shaved my head I had a lot of realisations and this was one of them. I never before had asked myself why I liked going to this church and the singing in the choir so much. I was addicted to energy, so much that I can easily say, I was a junkie. An energy junkie, who became cranky when I didn’t got my energy shot. Always busy with how to maintain and keep myself within this group to ensure my weekly energy shot. All that distracted me from the energy kick I dismissed as boring, stupid, unnecessary and something I didn’t want to be associated with. So these powerful religious music frequencies had an hold on me, till this love hate relation turned into hate. The hate made it possible to break loose from my addiction. Till now I’ve never addressed this hate or the energy issue so it’s time to do some rehab.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be part of my grandmothers world and therefore proud on wearing the choir outfit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the gospel choir was my life path, instead of seeing that it was a pre programming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for gospel groups to get this feeling of belonging, instead of looking inside to see myself and no longer search outside myself to get validation and conformation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the Baptist church scene, by falling for the energy produced by the singing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I belonged within the Baptist scene and used the new friends be accepted and able to stay within the group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as a outsider within the Baptist scene, because I knew I was in it for something else which I than not understood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within the Baptist group and only took and didn’t give.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the singing made me high.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the Baptist members for their faith in God, while their faith delivered my energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene and become cranky when I didn’t got the amount of energy I was hoping for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and be honest about my motives for joining the group even though I didn’t know them back than, I knew their was something of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the religious ambiance while I loved the energy, knowing now that one cannot do without the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of hate and love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an energy junkie and not considered what was best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the others to be boring, stupid, unnecessary belief and someone I didn’t want to be associated with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the religious music frequencies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene, while I hated myself for being dis honest and infiltrated a group out of self interest.