Sylvia's writing to freedom

The first cyst on my lateral thigh and the story it tells 24/11/2010

Since I yesterday openend up the point of my last created cyst on my head and I found out that I had created the bump at least 13 years ago, I decided to investigate further. It was amazing what I found out, so what will I face today. How much time does this cyst goes back in time and what are the points attached to it?

I started of with a dictionary word through muscle communication and I tested for “psychedelic”. I searched further for the meaning of the word psychedelic; Psychedelic art, most popular during the late 1960s and early 1970s, combines patterns, objects, light, and sound to simulate hallucinatory experiences.  The part to use was the one with the specific period, namely late 1960’s and early 1970’s. I was born in 1968, so how many years back goes the creation/manifestation of the cyst. Or is it due to information downloaded from my parents? It’s indeed the download of my parents, but the origin lies with my grandmother from mothers side and it goes back 42 years. I started creating the cyst within my first year on earth and I was about 16 when it manifested therefore I went to my family doctor to show it to him, but there was nothing to worry about.

I muscle communicated for an emotion to get some clarity and I tested for the word “putrid”; morally corrupt or worthless. “Worthless” was the word that tested out. My grandmother had transferred through the family download this emotion of worthlessness. My start in life was one of feeling worthless. Since I can only muscle communicate information about myself, I’m not able to find out when this emotion and why this emotion of being worthless originated within my late grandmother. I can see the word worthless throughout the life of my mom in a big way, but also information about my mom I can not muscle communicate. I could try to open up a conversation with my mom about this subject, though it’s not something one discusses while having a cup of tea. I live 1600 km away from my mom so having a cup of tea is rare, we communicate through Skype and in summer when they are here.

The next question I’ll ask myself, is how this emotion of worthlessness has manifesting itself throughout my life. I do not mean manifested in the form of the cyst, but events and situations. I tested the following sentence within a book; and I love you. Through further testing I found out that it had to do with me not loving myself and not being able to be intimate with myself. I’ve been constantly sabotaging myself through believing that I was worthless and therefore I couldn’t love myself. That makes sense when I look back on my life, before it didn’t make sense and most of the time I wasn’t even aware of it.

This week I had this memory of about 9 to 10 years ago. When my son J. started to speak in one and two word sentences he said to me: “kiss mommy, kiss”. He did this for about 1 to 2 years. Throughout the whole day he asked for a kiss and when I gave him a kiss, 5 minutes later it started all over again. When I wouldn’t react he grabbed my face to get a kiss. He did it at home and anywhere else. I, at a certain point felt hunted, stalked, abused and I wanted to push him away from me. I didn’t push him away, I responded always, I wasn’t able to not respond to the love of my child. At least that’s how I saw it, now I see clearly that he was telling me to love myself and that I could be self intimate. My child was helping me through life and I disliked him for the weird behavior he had. Oh my God, how could I be so deluded?

I tested if this was enough for now, but there was another point to look into. I tested in a book for the following sentence; “people tend to live up to the expectations we have of them”. I want to live up to the expectations others have of me. How does this connect to the emotion of worthless? People think of me as worthless because I see myself as worthless and act in that way. Basically I think that others think of me as worthless and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Wow that’s a fuck up!

All of this is created through “the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons”. Now I understand how far this goes within my own life.

The cyst’s connective tissue dissolved through the years, but it’s still here, although smaller than it was originally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter this world within the emotion of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I find out that I started my life within worthlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to love myself, but instead I sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being able to be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can not be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to belief that others see me as worthy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hunted by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stalked by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push J. away when he was communicating with me in a matter I couldn’t understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t allowed to push J. away, because of me being his mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike J. for his weird behavior while he was only helping me to see what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded and not being able to see reality without thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as worthless and act as if I’m worthless so others will see and treat me as worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in life/creation while seeing how it fucked me up and how I didn’t take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to take responsibility for the bagage that I inherited.

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