It has been a while that I went to a party. Mostly I let myself get overwhelmed with the amount of people, not knowing where to stand within it. Being frustrated when I hadn’t been able to talk about the things that I considered as important and I felt disappointed and ineffective. All ingredients to cook up a disastrous recipe for a party.
This time the party was at my American friends house. That made a big difference within my perception, they are relax and easy people to hang out with. So today I was laid back and relaxed, I committed myself to just be in the moment. It wasn’t very crowded with people, just 22 people. I did recognize some of the people and spoke with a lot of them, switching from speaking Italian to English to Dutch. I switched quite easily between the languages, at first I didn’t noticed it. I didn’t feel this resistance I often felt while talking in Italian, I was here in the moment. In being here in the moment I was able to see with whom to talk about the weather and with whom to talk about more serious stuff. Both type of conversations were fine, just sharing myself in equality, something I wasn’t able to do before.
We sat during Sunday pranzo (Italian lunch) together with another couple at the same table. They were relaxed and open to get to know each other. After exchanging the usual information and topics I saw that I could freely speak to this lady about Desteni related topics so I slowly but surely did. I spoke with her in Italian, the one language where I have the most insecurities on. Before I knew it, I was explaining/sharing quite complex information to/with her. Than she said: “You think your Italian is lousy, but look how we are discussing” and she was right I was capable of having a conversation!
The point of feeling less than the Italian language, which I had been taking on recently had the effect of being able to see the language as a neutral point. Being one and equal to it, nothing more and nothing less. So simple and so effective. I had a great time at a party and that was long ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when being at a party, instead of seeing that feelings are of the mind and keeping me from directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let feelings keeping me from directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I didn’t spoke about important things while being around people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see certain conversation topics as less than other topics.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and ineffective when I didn’t speak about important things to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider a party at J&A as relaxed and easy, while other parties are considered as stressful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when speaking Italian.