Sylvia's writing to freedom

Polenta and I, no best friends 30/11/2010

Today, within my food experiment, I added polenta (corn flour) to my diet. At breakfast I just had a carrot and a glass of water, there were too many things to do before I could start cooking polenta. So, around noon, I cooked some polenta and added some grated carrot into this massive substance. I muscle tested if I could use some salt and it tested out for yes. I figured in common sense that it wasn’t wise to just eat carrot and polenta and drinking quite some water and not add any salt. I do need to function during the day and I don’t want to feel physical weakness due to a lack of common sense. After the polenta was cooked I formed little cookies from it and baked them in the oven. Although I normally would have added more ingredients like cheese, garlic and herbs, the cookies tasted good. No resistances, because of the taste. I normally like food or don’t like it and polenta I do like, but only with a nice sauce on top of it.

There were no feelings of like and dislike while eating the cookies. After one cookie everything was fine, after the second my saliva became thicker and more in quantity. I think I ate 4 cookies for lunch and left the rest for the others and myself to eat during the afternoon. About half an hour after lunch I started to produce a lot of mucus, at a certain moment so much that I had to cough it away. Oh, and another thing, when I woke up this morning I felt light as if there was a burden fallen from my shoulders, I didn’t cough at all. I felt really great this morning. Over the last weeks it was as if I experienced my body through a thick layer of mucus. Not numb but having this cover of mucus around me. All feelings.I had this pain for the last week or so in my left shoulder blade. So this morning I was clear of the mucus, but the pain in my shoulder blade was more clear and present than ever (need to look into that one too).

After eating the polenta cookies, for more than 2 hours afterwards, I’ve been coughing and feeling stuffy from the mucus I produced. Therefore time to investigate, since I create all my physical reactions I must be able to stop them. Therefore I need to know if it is a physical reaction towards the polenta or a mindfuck towards the feelings/emotions/thoughts I have around the word polenta or the picture/memory of polenta. Ok, it’s the mindfuck which is creating a physical reaction, I confirmed it with muscle communication.

Before I always felt quite frustrated and even ashamed about all the mindfucks I had created and discovered. Now I see them for what they are and my only concern is to forgive myself, correct myself and apply it accordingly.

Now I will be testing if it’s a feeling/emotion/thought. It’s the emotion “proudly”. This isn’t ringing any bell. From emotions I went through the dictionary to the phrase “in other languages”, I still have no clue. After testing for a feeling to clear the previous words up, I came up with the feeling “worthy”. I asked a lot of questions and muscle tested them and found out that it is me being proudly and worthy about speaking other languages. In real life I’m the opposite, I do not feel proud on my achievements within learning and speaking other languages and not at all worthy. And than I realised what I was playing out, the polarity of being proud/disappointed and feeling worthy/unworthy when it comes to my “other languages” (English and Italian). In real life I’m disappointed and I feel unworthy about my achievements within languages. Within this polarity of feeling proud and worthy about my achievements within my languages I manifest this food allergy/reaction as the polarisation. Wow, what a mindfuck. So if I apply self forgiveness on this and correctively apply it within my daily life and become neutral within my feelings/emotions towards my languages I can diffuse this point. This isn’t a life long existing problem, if the point is really worked through and diffused I can test if I’m able to eat polenta again.

For tonight no polenta for me, but carrots for sure. I’m going to test for another type of food to eat together with the carrots. It’s turkey, so carrots with turkey for tonight it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about my achievements within learning new languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and therefore disappointed in me when it comes to speaking and writing Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy through my behavior of not really willing to learn Italian and therefore disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of proudly and disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of worthy and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the play out of this polenta food allergy/reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the part of being proudly and worthy and therefore not seeing the polarity being played out.

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