Sylvia's writing to freedom

Shingles again? 01/12/2010

It looks like my shingles is back again, it feels the same as before. I will visit my doctor tomorrow to confirm if it’s shingles or not. I felt really pissed and a victim at the moment I found out that just underneath the spot of last time a new spot is developing. Last February/March of this year I had an attack of shingles for the first time in my life. Due to this I had to take my first anti-biotics cure ever in my life. This made me so sick and weak that I questioned in a big way the healing powers of this medicine. My doctor told me that without I would keep the nerve pains forever, so out of fear I succumbed for the cure. The side effects were far more extensive than the effects of the shingles at that point within my illness. Later on I developed nerve pains and I’m not looking forward to that again. My whole being is shouting NO, NO not again. I’m angry at myself, I wasn’t effective when I worked through this point of my shingles last time. So now I have to experience it all over again. I DON’T WANT THIS!!!! Nevertheless I can see that I made the shit so no escaping here and therefore I have to clean the shit till it’s done.

Last time I also had a cold and a cough like I have now. This time I worked through the point of coughing and found out that I had to stand up for myself, speak up, speak out and stand no matter what. So in a way my cough has been quite assisting. Bit by bit the coughing is going away and is only there when I have too much thoughts about not speaking up and taking responsibility. Also when I’m in communication with others and not standing up within myself.

Last week a client of mine came over with a vage request to make out of a little peace of Futon fabric 2 suitcase like handbags. I yet hadn’t really put my finger on what this lady is doing all the time while communicating with others. While she kept on nagging about these handbags I became aware of a horrible feeling that came over me. It felt as if I was wrapped up in plastic and incapable of acting, as if I was wearing a straitjacket. I didn’t hear her words anymore, I disappeared within my mind as if I wasn’t capable of coping with reality. Than my coughing fit started as if I was choking. I heard her asking if I had a cold. Than my partner P. stepped in, he was working in the same room and he had been overhearing the conversation. He cleared up some points about the bags and how realistic her ideas were. When my client left, P. and I talked about the event that just happened. Only than I understood what I had been feeling, this lady who turns out to be very manipulative and incentive, was manipulating me into a situation where I couldn’t stand up for myself nor speak out. She was asking the impossible while using all kind of difficult words and phrase constructions that she knows I do not understand. The coughing was me telling myself that I accepted and allowed manipulative/abusive behavior of someone else and I didn’t stand within it.

Back to my shingles. The last time in February/March I found out through muscle testing that it had to do with not having Self-Expression. Back than I hadn’t interpreted it in it’s full meaning. Later I understood that it was me not expressing myself, meaning not standing up for myself, not speaking out and not being my own directive principle. I saw Self-Expression as not being creative within art and poetry. Within a conversation with the resonances they said that I didn’t have to follow and do all kinds of projects to distract me from what is important, like painting and poetry. Now I fully understand what they meant, back than I was a bit confused. My shingles are giving the same message as the coughing fits are doing. I thought that I was doing so much better, but I know I’m still not at the point where I suppose to be. I also understand that all that I physically manifest isn’t manifested in a few weeks, it takes time. Therefore it takes time to diffuse this point.

I do not look forward having to go through this illness again, but the message from me to myself is totally clear this time and I will be working through it till it’s done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shingles is back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is weakened and attacked by what ever bad disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illness and therefore fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed and angry at myself for not working through the point last time sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim in this situation of shingles, while I know that I’m the creator who manifested this physical condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anti-biotics to kill all the bacteria within my body and therefore weaken my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the illness and therefore feeling less than the illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extensive nerve pains that come along with shingles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering, while I made myself suffering first by not taking my responsibility and stand up and speak out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappear within my mind while I’m not coping with  a situation within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with these feelings and emotions, while knowing they are from the mind. In common sense I could have seen that someone tried to manipulate/abuse me and I was letting this person getting away with it. Therefore as guilty as her for participating within abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that points are resolved easy and quick so I can move on. I understand know that whenever I make progress there can also be a fall back within that same process of working through the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking it too easy the last time when I had shingles. I thought I cleared it and when it was physically gone I forgot all about it, so I didn’t follow this point to its end and therefore have to re experience it all over again.

Advertisements
 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s