Sylvia's writing to freedom

Fears, shingles and a wounded cat 02/12/2010

This morning I was ready and steady to go and visit my doctor. Last night I was worried about my almost gone cough, my upper back was quite painful and the pain I had expanded to the front, so I started to imagine what horrible disease it could be. I know myself as a typical hypochondriacal and I already imagined myself having a pneumonia. I depictured the whole scenario within my mind. If I have pneumonia and shingles than I do need a cure of anti-biotics. And then the fear kicked in and all kinds of horrible deseases went through my mind, even this morning I could still feel this energetic charge. While suppressing my fear I was getting ready for my doctors visit, my partner P. checked when our doctor was really having consultation hours. I assumed that I could go in the morning, but our doctor had his consultation hours in the afternoon. The whole morning this fear for all kinds of deseases and the possibility of having to take an anti-biotics cure were clearly present. The silly thing was that I could see myself participating within these fears, I told myself that these fears weren’t real, but at that point I was already possessed with it. In common sense I already had found out that the pain in my upper back and my upper front were caused by coughing for a long period of time. My muscles are sour and stretched too much.

After lunch I went to my doctor and took my daughter A. with me. She’s been home for a week now, with dizziness, nausea and an accelerated heartbeat. Yesterday I did a muscle communication session with her and we found out that she has been neglecting her body by not eating  a great variety of food products. All green vegetables are filthy and most fruit she doesn’t eat. Since I’ve gone through this point of my health construct I hadn’t been pushing her, out of fear to fall back into the construct, to eat with more variety. In common sense I had told her that her body needs more than a few food types to survive on, but she wasn’t able to face that point. So within muscle communication we tested that she needed to eat more green leaves and products with vitamin B and C. She could see that this point of eating these specific foods was valid, but the core point why she did it she couldn’t understand. The core point is A. boycotting her body out of feeling unworthy. I could see this right away see how she had downloaded this from me and my mom and my grandmother, this feeling of worthlessness. For a thirteen year old it’s hard to grasp. So A. went with me to the doctor, because she wanted also his opinion on her symptoms.

The waiting room was loaded with people, but there was no way back. I already used this anti viral creme, to prevent the shingles from spreading over my skin, but it was empty and I needed a prescription to get a new one. The creme had already prevented the spreading within the last two days, so I trusted this medicine. When it finally was our turn, my doctor confirmed that it was shingles. He didn’t see any need to give me an anti-biotics cure, instead he gave me an anti-viral cure, the creme I had before and vitamin B pills also the same as last time. I was sooo relieved that I didn’t have to take the anti-biotics. So I told him about my cough for about a month, I didn’t say anything about my fear for a pneumonia. He asked if I wanted him to listen to my lungs and I said yes. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and with that phrase all my worries faded away. It’s strange that I need somebody outside myself to confirm what I in common sense already knew!

Our doctor performed a whole range of physical tests on A. and than he suggested a blood test and a ECG for her heart. Last time in February we did a blood test on her and wow what expensive is such a test. So I asked him not to test on everything due to our financial situation. Than he suggested to do first the ECG and later in time the blood test since the one in February was excellent. He of course didn’t connected the malnutrition we had tested to the accelerated heartbeat. He is simply looking at the body and that’s it. He advised A. to take some valerian product to calm down a bit so she can sleep more easily through the night. A. felt relieved after the doctors visit, as I, that it wasn’t something severe. So mother so daughter and I’m not saying this proudly, because it’s just fucked up. A. and I agreed on sharing from now on when we think we have something severe, so we can assist and support each other. The men in our household do not have these issues and look at us as if we are aliens when talking about this topic.

A weird day full of energetic ups and downs and to top it of we had a wounded cat. When we came back home, P. and my son J. went away to do climbing practise. When they left through the back door they hadn’t noticed that our youngest cat slipped through the door. A. and I, thought that all cats were inside before it turned dark outside. Then all of a sudden we heard this loud screaming and we hurried outside and found our kitten wounded next to the front door. He was attacked by the “evil red tomcat” from across the street. This cat is false and not castrated, the owners refuse to take any responsibility for this cat when he is outside their garden. A big problem within the neighborhood. Our female cat is still limping with her leg after an attack from this tomcat. I do not have the money to visit a vet all the time, because my cats are constantly attacked. I once said something about it and than the husband laughed it away and said: “Oh , it’s not my cat”. I found out that this cat was abandoned by their neighbor and they had taken him in their house/garden. A cat owner is a cat owner it doesn’t matter how you get the cats. I probably have to tell them to castrate the cat and take their responsibility. Our kitten was heavily bleeding on his hind legs, after bleeding throughout the house he started licking himself and the bleeding stopped. When he is sleeping he is dreaming about nasty stuff, because he’s trembling all over his body. What a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear horrible deseases when I feel physical discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind when it comes to fears about deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume appointment times and not check them for myself, while I know it’s my responsibility to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my fear for severe deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death through imagining all kinds of severe deseases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling back into my health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push A. through this point of eating with variation out of my own fear of falling back into my health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that A. couldn’t grasp the point of worthlessness, while I can see in common sense that such abstract thinking is still hard for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking A. to the doctor due to the fear of the costs for further testing in hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need for somebody else to confirm what I already know myself, instead of standing in self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about the fact that I gave this feeling of worthlessness to my daughter through her download.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards my neighbors for not taking responsibility for their cat and their surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my neighbors with the behavior of their cat after the first failed attempt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my neighbors with the behavior of their cat after hearing all the stories of people in my neighborhood how anti social these people are and not responding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this day as more special or heavy than other days.

 

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