Sylvia's writing to freedom

Jealousy 10/12/2010

I finally addressed a point today that had to be addressed. A point of which I was so ashamed that I just closed my eyes and started hoping in a almost possessed way that it miraculously would disappear. I did some superficial self forgiveness, but also that isn’t going to do the trick. I felt this  fear to write about it and publish it on my blog so it would be out there for the public. Around noon today when I was in my car to pick up my son from school I had 16 minutes to sort myself out and do self forgiveness. It was now or never so to speak, I gave myself an ultimatum to sort myself out. Also other points came up which made it a sort of spring cleaning.

The point I had to address was a point of jealousy of which I always thought I didn’t had any form of. One of the first assignments within the SRA course was giving examples about my jealousy. I almost felt like I had to invent my jealousy. When I look back and even looking back to yesterday I didn’t want to be a jealousy person. To me a  jealous person was an equivalent to a bad person. I don’t want to be a bad person, but I know that it’s not all sunshine inside of me. I deliberately looked away from my evil side all my life and that in itself is evil.

I started to recognize this point as a point of jealousy when I saw that it wasn’t all about being insecure or wanting to be original. Every time when I saw somebody write or make a video about a topic I had done I felt restless. I started to look at the amount of rates or views that this person got and started investigating what they had done different from what I had done. I called it common sense, but I was justifying my point of jealousy. This point was keeping me in its grip, possessed me. I forgave myself, as I said superficial and for a while it disappeared under the surface. The next moment an identical point arrived this possession came back in an even more heavy way. The moment I hardly could see the work of Desteni members I knew I had to act. I told myself that it was so stupid and destructive to feel sick about others who address the same points as I did. Together we stand and the more the same topic is discussed and shown on the internet the more impact it has, but I was already so much taken by this possession that I couldn’t live the common sensical words I was producing. It had to stop, this is how my world and due to that how the world is turning out the way it is. One big confusion in which nobody takes his/her responsibility. I can’t participate within jealousy and I won’t allow myself to do so. Therefore I did quite some self forgiveness out loud in my car, maybe I missed some points. That’s okay, I can deal with these when they appear.

Then I asked myself where this point of jealousy was based in? In the end I do want to feel special, but at the same time I’m disgusted by specialness. So that’s a polarity in which I participate. I grew up, as everybody in a world wherein it is important to be original, being original is just a coping mechanism to survive. Insecurity of my own ability which is a fuck up and a polarity. I feel less, but by participating within jealousy I feel more/special. So of course the point of jealousy is in no way valid and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t pass the equality equation so it must be amortized. No participation what so ever!

It wasn’t that difficult to write about it, the fear to be exposed as a good person isn’t valid either. We all have feelings of jealousy one way or the other. It makes me the same as everybody and by denying my feelings of jealousy I separate myself from everybody.

So only a few self forgivenesses which I hadn’t covered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting and writing about this point of jealousy on others, who try to work together and do not try to boycot me or to promote separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of feeling special and not wanting to be seen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not survive if I’m not original.

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