Sylvia's writing to freedom

Dinner party, cook to impress 11/12/2010

Today I felt quite tired or more like drained. It was the first cold day after several warm days and already after the alarm clock went off this morning I felt the desire to stay in bed forever. Of course I got up, but blamed the cold weather for my lazy start. I did the things I had to do and made a video. I didn’t edit it with the same attention I normally do. Just a bleeeeh day and a day on which I wasn’t able to keep warm, I sat a lot in front of the stove. Sitting and not even disappearing within my mind, just drained.

Just bleeeeh days do not exist. It’s simply a day, whatever color I give it is my interpretation of my feelings and emotions projected onto that day. So I had to ask myself: what feelings and energy are going around within my physical body? I felt commotion, unstableness, but very vast to be able to grasp. I muscle communicated if it had anything to do with the dinner party of yesterday and I tested for yes. Than I took myself way back within my memory. When we lived in Holland I did a lot of dinner parties for family and friends. I loved to show off/impress with all kind of complicated recipes. Mostly it were at least 6 course meals, for my dads birthday we did 10 to 13 courses and finished deep at night. I didn’t question myself back than as I do now. Looking back I can see that it was a boost for my ego and my self worth, till the point that I thought that people were expecting good and complicated food when they ate at my place. So all about searching self worth outside myself and feeling a victim for always having to cook. Also this feeling of being the victim gave me attention in a way and was feeding my self worth and ego.

For the dinner party yesterday, while making a shopping list I felt that I took myself into a state I knew already. Energy in the form of excitement. I didn’t know what to cook at all. This dinner party was a request, my partner P. had done job interviews for a possible part time job with the possibility of a full time job. Since he’s out of a job this was since months a nice prospect. They had to do a final interview and his new bosses/collegues asked if they could come over for dinner and discuss things over dinner. Don’t make something special just get some pizza’s and we’re happy, they said. People who do have money mostly cannot imagine that there are people with a budget so tied that ordering pizza for 6 is out of their reach. So I prepared a home cooked meal with lots of things that people had given to us, knowing the situation. So the shopping list was within reason. When these men said: “Don’t make something special”, something inside me switched and I went on automated pilot or in other words, I was locked into an old pattern.

I settled for puff pastry filled with vegetables, home made ravioli filled with pumpkin and potatoes, fish on a bed of vegetables cooked in aluminum foil, ice cream and espresso to finish it off. I didn’t overdo myself, but I was cooking to impress. Though this time it had nothing to do with feeding my ego and self worth. It was just of a calculated nature, I wanted to set the right ambiance. I was manipulating my reality in the best interest of me. I did succeed in making a relaxed ambiance and P. got the job, although it will not be paying much in the beginning, we don’t have the luxury to not take a job when it’s presented to us. P. is really enthusiastic about this one, he will be functioning equal to the two founders of this firm and using his languages and his computer skills.

So I was sucked into  an old pattern with this event and it felt the same as years ago, although my starting point was slightly different this time it was still acting out of dishonesty. I didn’t had these highs while preparing the food like I used to have, already projecting expectations into the future. After doing dinner parties in the past I was the following day or days always broken/drained, because it was one big energy pageant I played in. Okay, at least I know now when and where to be aware so I can correct myself whenever it occurs again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wanted to stay in bed so that this feeling of uncomfort would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego and believe my ego to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self worth is something that needs to be stimulated by outside stimuli.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the role of victim while it was just another attempt to gain attention and therefore to boost my ego and to value myself as more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this trigger point ( don’t make something special) and let myself be locked into this pattern of seeking purpose/life goals outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel challenged by the words “don’t make something special” to do and be more, competing with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please others so that they will please me back in return to feel valuate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my reality in the best interest of me instead of the best interest of all.

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