Sylvia's writing to freedom

The upper arm cyste, self denial 14/12/2010

Today I investigated the cyste on my underside of my upper arm it’s there already for 7 years. What kind of system within my system is this cyste representing?

 

Through muscle communication I tested out of a book the word self-denial. Immediately I got oppressed, when my eye got a glimpse of this word I felt a shock through my body. A feeling of ooh noo. I breathe and slow down, this reaction I need to investigate.

 

The self denial is connected to the word anxiety as in desiring. What am I desiring for where is this anxiety about? I tested the word serpent in the dictionary. The serpent refers to the anxiety, but what is the serpent standing for? The serpent is standing for love, love as love is portrait in our current world. So I’m searching for fake love within anxiety knowing that the love isn’t real, but it must fill the gap that my self denial has caused. I am not willing to face that I’m denying myself. This is also connected to the word unworthy/worthless that I’ve been working with. It also connects to the search for self validation outside of me that some times can be quite compulsive, feeling down when I get no outside stimuli for validation. The thing is that I now can see myself do these things I see the pattern, but it’s like an octopus, it has so many tentacles and is interconnecting at so many areas.

 

But why am I denying  myself in the first place? I tested the feeling nobleness and game through the dictionary out at the following: I’m judging myself as the lowest rank, so back again at not being worth anything.

 

And this strong physical reaction I had when I saw the word self denial, had that to do with the feeling of being exposed? Yes, it was me exposing myself in full awareness. Okay, it’s all not extremely new to me since I dealt already over the past few weeks with this topic. I need to do more self forgiveness on other areas as which I already worked with. In a way it’s cool and assisting to find every time a part of the puzzle.

 

I’m calm again and I can see the self denial for what it is. It’s here now in full awareness so now I can deal with what is here. Am I participating within the polarity of indifference and being fully aware? Yes, I’m indifferent about the fact that I do deny myself out of no self validation or self worth. I had to test this question in a slightly different way than the question I presented here. I asked if I was indifferent about the fact that I denied myself. With the first question I knew I was dishonest, I felt like I didn’t want to go to that part of me, but there is no such thing as not feeling like it. I’m my own directive principle and I direct myself in honesty and expose where ever I’m dishonest, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be shocked about the word self denial, knowing that it had to show up sometime somewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being exposed and ashamed for it at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and not being completely self honest with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to all, therefore I need to stand one and equal with myself first.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as less and unworthy and therefore not fully accept myself and not giving myself unconditional support within self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to love as it exist in our current world to fill this gap I feel inside within denying myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can find self validation outside myself, instead of knowing that I need to fully accept myself in order to be equal to me and all and that’s what love is about.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within a session that stood for being self honest.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel like facing myself, that’s pure dishonesty and I will not allow that from myself. I’m my directive principle and that’s the only certainty that I have.

 

 

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