Sylvia's writing to freedom

Funny hat 16/12/2010

Since I shaved my head in March this year I was totally fine with it and I still am. This summer I’d made a hat/cap for the moments that I would be exposed too long to the sun. I was fine with that too. Now in winter when it became quite cold in our house (this morning it was 5 degrees Celsius in our bedroom ) due to not using the obsolete heating system, but instead using a stove in the living room. I started to wear a hat inside the house. Last winter I had knitted one for the size of my head including my hair, a bit loose but nice warm and that’s what matters.

Every time when we had people/visitors in our house I took off my “funny hat”, I felt ashamed. I saw myself as a dwarf of Snow White, the one named Dopey. He has big ears and a loose hat. I was aware of taking my hat off every time someone entered the house, but it was quite strong this feeling of shame about how I looked. Quite funny when I look back at it now, my shaved head never gave me this intense feeling of shame, but the “funny hat” did. So there are still some remains of ego/identity left, not that it surprises me it’s more that I had no idea to where these remains would come to confront me.

At a certain point my son J. started to make comments whenever I took off my hat. You did it again mom, he would say as if he was my conscience mind. Than he started to ask why I did it, because I kept doing it. I couldn’t really answer him, I hadn’t really looked into it and I was not really eager to investigate it. As if I was ashamed for my shame, can it get even more idiotic?

Yesterday I decided to make another hat for during the day and to use the old loose one in bed, with 5 degrees in your bedroom you simply need a hat. I did cut a long wisp out of fleece fabric and wrapped it around my head to sow it all together into a hat. I also wore this hat when making a video today to see if I had any reactions or feelings of shame, but nope non of it happend. So this hat doesn’t fit the term “funny hat”.

Maybe it has to do with not wanting to look silly, I prefer people to see me as a serious grown up. When I look like Dopey they can impossibly take me serious. Okay that was my mind talking. This mind statement says that when somebody talks common sense, but looks silly, the common sense is all of a sudden not valid anymore. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? When I’m stable and acting within equality and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t matter what kind of hat I wear in my house or wherever. This is all about how I want to present me to the outside world and it has nothing to do with simply being me no matter what. It’s the words that I live that count and not the picture presentation I like to give of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed while wearing a “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when other people see me wear this “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to presentate myself as serious as in presenting a perfect picture presentation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that speaking common sense changes into non valid talk while wearing a “funny hat”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate my degree of common sense according to my image/identity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind and not acting from the point of best for all.

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