Today I had a few times on which I felt this energy go around in my stomach and earlier this evening I was a bit oppressed. The feeling of being oppressed faded away within more or less 10 minutes. I did slow down and breathed through these moments. I had no specific thoughts prior both events or that is, I do not recall having specific thoughts.
With muscle communication I searched within myself and found a piece in a book that made me aware of what was unconscious bothering me.
“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions. Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth. In fact the opposite is often true. Others may not only fail to celebrate, they can also make you the subject of ridicule. What? Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”
I had to read it a few times to see the connection between this text and my current situation. And then I saw the “light” the angels started singing oh hallelujah.
It’s Christmas eve and it’s all in the spirit of Christmas! How appropriate…
“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions”
It’s approval in the sense of validation and approval to belong to the rest of the world that celebrate Christmas. People try to persuade me to only celebrate this one day a year and say things like: “It won’t harm you to celebrate Christmas, don’t be so negative and bitter or famine will not be solved if you don’t celebrate Christmas.” It’s as if people like to trap me into this celebration and I know already for years that Christmas is more evil than anybody could suspect. So my inner decision is not to accept and allow Christmas within my world and that doesn’t go together with the urge of not being an out stander and different for not celebrating Christmas. This is all unconscious, I had no idea that I had this urge to be accepted in this way.
“Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth”.
Indeed celebrations are most of the time not voluntary even if we think they are. People celebrate, because that’s the way it is done and always was. When I started living on my own at the age of 19, I decided that this was the moment to stop celebrating my birthday with a party. Really odd for most people in my surroundings, but quite a few followed my example after recognizing what birthday parties really contained. I can see that all celebrations, religious ones and common ones, are done within dishonesty. Of not being faithful to myself or what I stand for. Most of the times I compromised myself through celebrating within the starting point of outside validation and wanting to belong.
“Others may not only fail to celebrate”
Indeed when I look at Christmas I see that almost everybody takes it as an excuse to go overboard with eating, spending and having a moment off. People who don’t follow the religious message behind Christmas do also celebrate it. People take it as an excuse to over eat and then complain about it and the spending of money on useless gifts is almost compulsive. It’s all about fitting in, being appreciated and this greedy feeling that it would not be fair if you could not celebrate Christmas.
“Make you the subject of ridicule”,
this is the most important reason for my discomfort today. I had no idea that the underlying thought was about ridicule, but when I look at myself and how my approach towards people has been especially today it’s just hitting the nail on the head. A few times today clients wished me merry Christmas and I didn’t really respond, so they didn’t questioning my way of celebrating Christmas. Now when I replay it again I see that I did feel dishonest of the fact that I didn’t share with them how I really think about Christmas. Others who wished me merry Christmas and afterwards asked me if I did celebrate it I simply replied with no. And there was one lady who asked if I did celebrate Christmas and I said no. Then she said:” Oh you’re having another religion? Or do Dutch people not celebrate Christmas?” I said: “Dutch people do celebrate Christmas only I don’t and yes I’m not a Catholic. ” Oh you have another religion”, she said. “I have no religion”, I said. “You’re an Atheist”, she said with a certain reassurance in her voice. “Nope I’m not a Atheist, because they have the faith of not believing”. “Who needs religion anyways”, I said. “We can take our own responsibility.” She looked at me in a unkempt way and she left. I was only being myself in this moment with my client, but yes she could ridicule me with this kind of information. I’m not really scared of it or feel fear of being seen as odd within the village. I already do as bald foreigner. So unconscious I do make a fuss about it, hhmmm.
“What? Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”
Yes, this is also a hot item here, because by birth every Italian is Catholic. People here do envy me or us for not belonging to a religion. In fact they are judging themselves for not standing up and saying BASTA with religion. People here cannot make their own decisions, because family and church will show them the way. These people have their judgements and values according to the ones of the church and the pastor. Within this envy or jealousy people start ridiculing those who do stand up as life for all to reimburse their own actions. I’ve seen and experienced that already. People tend to go bad so that they can still feel good about themselves. Quite an interesting point I came about tonight, I’m really grateful for this one. No big brake through or anything, but just an insight.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed while being self-honest.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I’m an out stander and suppressing this feeling.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel dishonest about the fact that I didn’t share my point of view about celebrating Christmas.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe unconscious that belonging to the majority is the best and safest way to go.