Throughout the years in Holland I had been building up a lot of negativity and anger, in short I was fed up with Holland. I had difficulties with the school system, the law, mental healthcare, healthcare in general and the way people were living together within the country.
The school system
With our daughter A. I experienced the school system again for the first time after I had left school myself. In that period of time it was cool to have an intellectually gifted child, something I wasn’t aware of at that time. When I told the kindergarten teacher that A. was already able to read she approached us as liars and we became yet another pair of parents who wanted to show of with their kid to get attention. When I asked if the school could assist A. with writing exercises, so I wouldn’t learn it to her in a different way as the school would, the teacher said no. The teacher told me that if A. started with writing exercises she would be bored if she went to the first grade of elementary school. I was really pissed to say the least. A. started to hate school, I hated her school, I hated the teachers for seeing my child as a number and not seeing what she really was capable of, I hated the parents who learned their kids an act to show their kids of at the teachers as being gifted. This hate and anger made us change schools many times. Till I decided to start homeschooling the kids myself. A bad choice, because by law Dutch parents are not allowed to homeschool their children. So we came into contact with the law.
I home schooled my kids for about a year. It took the education department of the municipality almost a year to find out that our kids were not registered at any school in our city. I felt like I outsmarted the system for not finding me yet. Apart from the fear of being discovered/exposed we had a great year. I hooked up with other parents who had done the same and we did educational field trips together to keep the costs low and it was fun for these kids to meet other home schooled kids. I went from Almere to Zutphen every Friday to join a private school, this was like an outdoor farm school and quite effective for the kids to recover from their experiences within the school system. Also once a week I went to the local swimmingpool to teach them how to swim. They learned their basics faster than they did in school and it was far more fun, both kids had acces to internet and worked on their own computer. Even now after 5 years they say: ” Do you remember mom how much fun it was to do school at home?” When the education department found us we had several conversations with our contact person, but nevertheless we had to go to court. We wrote our own defense and thought that the judge would read such a document, but apparently not according to her words. In court there was also a person from the education department who we never had seen or spoken to, he told a story about us that was most incorrect. We were not allowed to react to his story about our wrong doing within the law. The judge told a general story that could have been any other parents situation. In short, we were bad parents and were send home on probation for 2 years and had each to pay a fine of €350,-. I was wildly, again we were a number within the system and not allowed to argue the system. I hated the judge and the education department.
We went with A. to a mental institution to do some tests. A. started off as an open and communicative smart child around the age of 4 this identity went into reverse and we didn’t know what to do about it. We even didn’t understand the whole situation. Since there is only mental healthcare in the capacity of psychiatry, we went to this institution. Many many test they’ve done on A., in our first evaluation conversation they diagnosed A. with almost all mental disorders available. I went into a shock and blamed myself for her having these conditions. I cried a lot in that period and my kids still remember that vividly. Every other conversation we had at this institution they scored out a few mental disorders till the last conversation in which our contact person said that there was nothing wrong with A. She suggested nevertheless medication for A. and counseling for me and A. The institution kept these records for 5 years and it was available for any doctor or insurance company to check. I was mad at them for their pottering work and how they led me into this emotional turmoil. I never let anybody check my kids mentally again, I feared the system for what they were capable of.
Healthcare has led me down so many times and it was no secret that I was a number within this system and I could not ask for more than the system was capable of giving me. My family doctor removed once a cyste in my groin and mutilated me with her stich work. I once went in for a 5 yearly smear and left the practise bleeding and ended up with a mild inflammation due to a dysfunctioning nurse. I asked for help with breast feeding A. and sat a few hours in this clinic with A. sucking on my breast when they finally said to me: “you’ve got too much stress, you’ve got to stay in bed and avoid any stress and get your child on baby formula.” I didn’t had any stress and after I started with this formula I wasn’t able to accumulate any milk again and A. turned into a Michelin puppet through this food. This are only a few examples, but the list goes on and on. I simply do not trust doctors and nurses since they keep on messing things up.
The way people were living together within the country
People were living together but yet not knowing each other. When I got married and left my apartment in a wedding dress my neighbors didn’t even notice the event. At neighborhood parties only the people who knew each other spoke to each other and it was no use talking to these groups. People really didn’t give a shit about each other it was all about the outside and the value of their house bought with money from the bank. Holland was doing great and nobody was willing to ask themselves how that could be. P. and I already talked about the financial crisis in 2005, but we were pessimists and didn’t understand economics. Maybe I didn’t understand all about economics, but in common sense it wasn’t that hard to see that the world went into chaos. Al these dishonesties I was sick of it and mad at the same time. I needed a change of air and our immigration dream looked like the perfect quick fix to me. Than people started expressing how we lived what they were dreaming about and I felt even sicker about humanity. How afraid are we that instead of real living we want to live somebody else’s life? I was simply mad, angry, disappointed and ready to leave the country. By doing so I immigrated all my thoughts/emotions/feelings about the system, so my quick fix was only quick and not at all sustainable let alone self-honest. So now I’m living at the foot of a mountain, which was exactly my dream, dealing with all the bagage I moved along. You see, I didn’t change, only the scenery did.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed at the teacher who didn’t want to assist A. with writing exercises.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood by A.’s teachers.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the school and the teachers of my kids for seeing us as a number.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the parents who in self interest spoiled the education system for those kids who just did what they were capable of, no tricks and dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act within anger and hate and changed my kids schools many times.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to homeschool my kids knowing that it was illegal and then starting to blame the system.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the education apartment for not really helping us and in the end stabbing us in the back, instead of seeing that we disobeyed the system and therefore had to pay for the consequences.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself a number within the system and therefore I was taking it all personal.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the judge and the education department for not assisting and supporting us, not seeing that the system only helps those who obey.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cry a lot and blaming myself for the condition A. was in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that A.’s vaccination is the cause of her change in mental behavior so I do not have to feel guilty anymore, apart from the fact if this believe is true or not.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the mental institution for messing up big time, while when I later did my research I found out that they had done the same to many other parents. So instead of being my directive principal I gave my faith in the hands of a system mental institution.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the institution for my emotional turmoil while I could have seen in common sense without any fear that what they were saying was bullshit.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the system and out of this fear I never let anybody check my kids mental health.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the nurse who messed my smear up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going in for a smear out of the previous experience I had.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame big farma for collecting my physical information by taking a smear and get me into the health system for no other reason than profit.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear healthcare and therefore not use this care often and rather suffer without any medical support.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of the dishonesties, instead of seeing that I am a reflection of society and therefore living in dishonesty myself. Only I can change myself and no longer accept and allow the dishonesties within myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad, angry, and disappointed on the country I was living in, instead of realizing that these feelings were mine and would travel along with me where ever I’ll go.