Sylvia's writing to freedom

Pain in my upper neck, left side 29/12/2010

I’ve been struggling with sexuality lately and also experiencing pain in my upper neck, left side. First I blamed it on my headphone, this one is bigger than the ear plugs I had before. Every time as I was working on my writings or SRA I experienced this pain. Although I didn’t see much common sense in the explanation of the head phones, I left the point for what it was. Till tonight, I reacted on the pain with irritation. This pain gave me the experience of my head that became heavier and heavier and almost impossible to carry. The pain tired me and I decided to look it up in Veno’s Structural Resonance works. Not really a surprise to see what it stands for: the sex system. While looking this up my left jaw became painful as well. I also looked up what this jaw pain was representing; the courage to speak up. So that’s basically what I have here in this moment to work with, let’s see where to start from here.

By suppressing my sexuality I’ve been suppressing my sex system. Yesterday and the day before I worked through a part of my shame of my sexuality/fantasies/thoughts. I realise that these fantasies and thoughts are not me, but my pre-programming. There is no need to have emotions about my pre-programming/my ego, that’s only feeding the beast. After entering the process of letting go of this shame I started to experience arousal again. Certain movements or body postures re-activated my sexual system. As much as the shame isn’t me the arousal isn’t either. Suppressing as I experienced it, is not the answer to not participating in these emotions/feelings /thoughts. The answer might be to not suppress or participate within this sexual arousal, but instead diffusing it to a neutral point. In that case it won’t be something special or something to be ashamed of. In fact not participating is recognizing what is here in the moment and seeing it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. Okay that’s clear, that makes sense.

Then there is the jaw pain which represents the courage to speak up. I muscle communicated that point and I came out on speaking up for my body, to keep my physical healthy. In order to do that I cannot participate within emotions/feelings/thoughts, those have each of them always physical outflows/consequences. Sex or better said arousal/lust that makes me desire sex, is the outflow of wasted energy that wants to be unloaded/released. Once that’s been build up and held within my system it will follow it’s way to another outlet and that’s not a desirable situation. Therefore I need to recognize and accept my physical body since it’s the only real thing here in my existence that’s keeping me here in the physical. It’s only one life and one body to do what needs to be done.

I can see that these pains have assisted me to search a bit deeper and in another direction to see what I’ve been participating in. Now I can forgive myself and apply the corrections accordingly within my day to day life.

While I’m searching for a picture  to add to this blog I came across a picture of a pillow. Suddenly I remembered that I knew this pain in my upper neck. I’ve had it for several years as a matter a fact when this sexuality problem was current. I needed a new pillow, because the old one had to be replaced. It was an almost impossible search for the right pillow. I bought several pillows, but the pain kept returning. getting up with a upper neck pain isn’t fun. Though for so many years my body was communicating with me and I didn’t speak the same language…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my headphones for the pain I experienced in my upper neck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the pain in my upper neck part with irritation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pain tired me instead of taking responsibility and direct myself in the moment when I first experienced the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and therefore my sex system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel arousal and for a moment see it as myself instead of seeing it as a feeling of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts/memories around certain movements and body postures that caused arousal within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my body as important enough to recognize and accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear my body communicating with me.

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