Sylvia's writing to freedom

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.

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