Sylvia's writing to freedom

What is the piercing voice of my neighbour telling me? 31/01/2011

The piercing, screaming, filled with frustration voice of my neighbour is giving me the shivers. This sound goes deep within my physical body and emotions and feelings are moved within my solar plexus. I’m almost living 2 years next to her and I knew perfectly well that my reaction towards her were more then not liking her voice. I could not put my finger on the spot, what is this sound triggering? It’s only the sound of her voice, because most of the time I do not see her but only hear her. I allow myself to react on the sound of her voice and subsequently have spiteful thoughts about my neighbour. So instead of investigating my reaction inwards I’m reacting outwards towards my neighbour as a person.

My neighbour screams during the whole day at her two dogs, when she doesn’t know where they are and also within normal communication with the dogs she screams. When she is outside and wants to talk to the neighbours from across the street, she screams. When her husband is outside and he needs to do something for her, she screams. When she speaks normal her voice is still piercing and the words that come out of her mouth are blaming, victimizing herself and expressing how heavy life is to her. At a certain point I started to develop a dislike for her, while knowing there was something deep inside me that needed to be investigated/adressed.

I feel shameful for my reaction towards my neighbour it is almost humiliating to know that I’m not able to literally love my neighbour as myself. Which reveals even more about myself, my spitefulness towards her is in fact spitefulness towards myself. My non acceptance of her behaviour is in fact me not accepting my own behaviour. I’ve been shoving this reacting point under the carpet for a while now, chasing the big points and the feel good points. It’s time to face that I’m not only the nice woman next door, also I consist of evil whether I like it or wether I do not want to face it.

Another point is that almost throughout whole Italy the women have these voices, they all scream to each other from their open window or balcony. Doorbells are not used, the postman honks his car and people scream in front of your window. It’s the Italian way of living, although I do have Italian DNA this part I didn’t inherit. In my perspective my neighbour is outstanding and has the most piercing voice I ever heard.

The question is, what does this voice represent to me. This voice represents negativism, bleakness, dreariness, a side of my life that I do not want to look at. I muscle tested a phrase in a book that said: “Why am I inclined to chose the negative? And to punish myself for it? I remember that my American boyfriend once asked me why I was so negative and I was offended. I didn’t see myself as negative, in the contrary I perceived myself as positivity itself. He saw the negative in me and I punished myself by feeling ashamed and worthless. It’s my dark side which I want to keep in the dark and emphasis the good and positive. Which results in secret mind activity and spitefulness to balance out this polarity.

When I hear the voice of my neighbour my body tenses and I feel resistance for entering this energetic experience so I close it down right away and turn myself against the outside stimulus who so called caused it. During my New Age period I had a great time, New Age is only confirming the positive so I felt “at home” within it. It was okay to only focus on the positive till I started feeling friction within and saw that the amount of dark inside me wasn’t able to be covered up anymore. I started searching and found Desteni, who simply told me that the positive can’t exist without the negative and denying the negative is an act of dishonesty. I reacted in the beginning on this oh so true statement, I reacted because I knew that it was true. Though I still kept the lid closed on the “Pandora box”. I know that there is a lot of negativism inside me though it’s not something I can all forgive at once, step by step I have to delete this and reprogram myself again. I see and admit that I do have a dark side, spitefulness and negative thoughts inside me. I also see that it will not lead me anywhere than spiraling down in more of the same, creating and manifesting these dark thoughts or hurting others with it. It has to stop, I have to stop every negative thought that comes up in me and find out where it is connected.

So in fact my neighbour helped me to see and look inside. I do not need to be afraid of these dark thoughts of my mind, it’s only balancing out my positive thoughts and the behaviour coming forth from it. I like to be seen as a good person, but if I’m only good then another person must be only bad and also that is my responsibility. My unwillingness to see who I became is creating my reality and in the end that isn’t cool at all. It has to stop right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the shivers while hearing my neighbours voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience emotions and feelings moving around in my solar plexus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my neighbours voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on my neighbours voice and have spiteful thoughts about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions about my neighbours voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and humiliated by myself for not being capable of loving my neighbour as myself over a piercing voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to accept my negative behaviour and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  be offended by the truth of being negative and positive at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for being negative by feeling ashamed and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on my neighbours voice with tensing up my body and feeling resistance for entering an energetic experience of negativism and therefore separating myself within denying my negative side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel friction inside me and not acting on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest by denying the negative inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark side inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to see what I created with my behaviour.


Where do I stand within modern society and its vast information? 30/01/2011

We are living in times where data about almost anything you can think of is free to access. Traditions, books, tv, radio, the internet, it all gives us information on various topics. The internet will account for a large portion of the information we seek. Google, You Tube, social networks as Facebook and twitter, it’s huge. The supply of information is vast and I have to search in common sense through the controlled data Google is providing me. In order to see what’s valid I have to apply the information and walk it myself. Till so far it’s doable and I can take my own stance within it. In other words, my micro world is covered. Thus on a micro level I can work things out and I’m grateful for the information provided.

Also on a macro level I take information in, although I’m living within my family and friends networks I’m also part of a country and that country is part of the entire world. Only to, for instance understand why my groceries are getting more expensive every month, I need to form a total picture of my world. In order to indicate my micro world within a macro level I need information from others. This information is more difficult to apply since I depend in this case on information given by governments, corporations and media. I can not test for myself if oil is indeed more expensive or wether there is speculation in the game. Therefore this vast information is making the foundations of my stance to shake. Do I believe all that’s been said by the main stream media, do I go along with conspiracy theories or do I let fear through this vast amount of information get a hold on me? Is the USA in Iraq to bring democracy? Are Dutch policemen going to Afghan to learn the military there how to search a person? Are deseases used to financially exploit us? Are investors speculating with our food commodities? Is China going to be the next world power or is Israel aiming for it? Are the riots in the Middle East a big deception?

I came across a video on the internet of Sheikh Imran Hosein which has been recorded in 2003, he predicts already back then what is happening in the Middle East right now. He warns for the deceptive game that is played by Israel. He states that the agitation in the Middle East is specific engineered by Israel. The Arab news site Al Jazeera is according to Hosein installed by the Jews to evoke more agitation and rage within the Arab world. Till the point is reached that Israel has to so called defend herself and performs a pre-emptive-strike, a blitzkrieg with “state of the art” technology. All to gain power and rule exclusively over the region. It doesn’t sound all too ridiculous what Hosein predicts and Al Jazeera does bring quite unilaterally information. I disapprove with the way most people have to live in the Middle East while their leaders live like Gods, though when I look at the riots in Egypt I only see young activists. Where are the people who aren’t allowing and accepting this poverty anymore or am I searching for sensation here? The whole event is about power that’s cristal clear, but is it the Arab potentates that seek for ultimate power, or is it the USA who wants to keep his ally Egypt and therefore power over this region full of oil, or is it Israel who want exclusive power over the region. You tell me, because I’m lost within this vast amount of information and at the same time lost within my macro world. On a micro level I could cope on a macro level it’s another game and probably the reason why people get totally apathetic of their outside world. Where am I within all this information? It is too much information and not giving us a clue of what we’re dealing with, but we need to care. We must understand that we need each other, together we are our macro world.

Too much non testable information is making us apathetic and escaping into our minds. OMG in our minds we find even a worst world, our inner world which is fueled by dishonesty and spiteful thoughts. Emotions and feelings which are interconnecting us in all kinds of information which makes us end up even more disillusioned. I better stick to my physical reality and strip it from all energy driven emotions and feelings which are not really adding anything to my menu of information about this mysterious macro world. I need to ask myself the simple question if all this information about for instance Hosein his theory is valid or not and if it’s adding something to my reality. I know already that men is deceptive, wants power and sticks his greedy fingers without any regret in others their basic needs. If Israel is going for this power trip, am I at this very moment able to avoid that? I don’t think so. So does all this information keeps me sharp and is it helping me with making decisions? I don’t think so. I need to regain my stance and take a stand for life and by no means ever again allow and accept abuse within my world and no longer take less then world equality. Only what’s best for all gets approved by me. I will clear my inner world to be ready in time for my outer world. Information is great, but I will no longer BE this vast information. I will trust myself and use information within a clear starting point of what is best for all and no energy will lead me anymore. I’m ready to change the world within the borders of my micro and macro worlds without violence and a plan to stick to. This plan is the Equal Money System and many are doing so with me. Join us and make the real difference.


Cairo is on fire and I’m fighting against time 29/01/2011

For the last couple of days I’m following the news about the Middle East, riots and looting everywhere. People being fed up with their living conditions and not longer allowing their suppressors to bully them. That in itself is a step forward and showing us that when we lose almost everything and our living conditions are low we are willing to stand up and unite. The step backwards is the fact that people tend to stand up within violence and don’t back it up with a realistic plan.

Cairo is on fire the people are sick and tired of Mubarak and his henchman. One tenth of Cairo’s population was in the streets today protesting and all borders faded away while fighting their demons. It’s really sad what happens n Cairo right now, then again when I looked at it in a realistic way I noticed that Mubarak is already 30 years in power. I was 12 when he got in office and I never asked myself if there was already another president in Egypt. The only thing I know is that Mubarak is president of Egypt. What a disinterest from my part and what a horrible long time for a population to come to this point of not taking it any longer. Egyptians were characterized as apathetic when it comes to politics, even last week reporters let us believe that the Egyptians had separated themselves from politics they simply didn’t care anymore. How wrong could they be, it was just a matter of time.

When I got the message that the Egyptian government had shut down the internet and closed the country from the rest of the world I experienced it as a serious measurement point for the compounding effect the world currently is in. Sooner or later a country would use this corrective punishment on it’s own people and Egypt chose to be the first. It’s not so much that I fear the shut down of the world wide web, because internet is an already unstoppable entity. It was given to us to clear up the crisis of the ’90 and to let us all buy computers to boost the economy. The genie came out of the lamp and isn’t planning to go back in again. I posted the message about the internet shut down on Facebook to spread this news and to look together at this point of “restriction of freedom” and seeing how quick news would spread on a social network. For hours I had no response what so ever and was disappointed. How can we accomplish anything when people do not care, I thought. Then I found the live stream tread from Al Jazeera and posted also this link on Facebook. It was not so much that I thought I could change the Egyptian situation by spreading the news it was more that I felt alone, having to wait for others to spread the real news. The news that it is us, our ugly face that’s manifesting in our world and that we have to take responsibility for it NOW!

I was waiting for others who didn’t know I was waiting for them. In fact I was waiting for myself to take action. I needed to see what was triggered inside me that I took these events so personal. I’ve been in Egypt 22 years ago so the pictures now about Egypt make sense to me I can connect them to my memories, I can relate. On the other hand I felt some sort of excitement or confirmation of the bad times we’re in. So energy was moving me and making me impatience, not wanting to wait on others yet blaming the others for not joining in. I can only take responsibility for myself and only I can take action for self-honest reasons in the best interest of all. I’m fighting against time!

Time isn’t my best friend. Time I experience as something that is limiting me. When I’m ignoring time I feel on top of my world since I have all the time of the world. If I have, lets say make dinner, before a specific time I feel restricted. In such an extent that I can feel it physically. When I’m in a waiting mode and not taking responsibility I fear not to keep up with time, when I do keep up I feel excited. It’s almost as if I want to impose my will upon time to manipulate it. So I feel good when I can ignore time/reality and do anything to manipulate time/reality to feel no limitations and do as I please. That’s a lot of feelings that move me if it comes to time. It’s time that I take responsibility for myself and it’s time to say stop to the violent events in the Middle East. I can only stop these events when I’m self-honest with the ugliness inside of me when I deal with my demons. Changing the world is only possible by changing myself and that takes TIME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be in touch with world events which unfold over a long period of time and not asking myself critical questions about these events. In which I ultimate prohibit myself to look from my outside world into my inside word and be critical enough to stand in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone while waiting on others to take action with me instead of realising that it is me who have to take actions. Within these actions I can be a living example and let others join in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself through energy and not as a self willed action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience time as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore time and therefore my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate time and therefore my reality to impose my energy driven will upon it.


Big Brother on Facebook 27/01/2011

I read an article about the way Facebook  secretly sells check-ins and likes from Face book users for advertising purposes. Our friends on Face book will view our postings as Sponsored Story. This means that companies are able to buy from Facebook our comments, likes and check-ins and show it as a Sponsored Story on top of the wall of our friends. When these companies use your comments or likes also your picture and name is connected to the Sponsored Story. Facebook will not inform you that a company is using your material. Since it’s only used within your friends network and your friends were already able to see what you were up to, Facebook states that there is no privacy breach.

People get all worked up about this kind of “Big Brother” related issues that take place in secrecy. I’m not saying that it’s a cool thing when others make money out of you and do not share it with you and further take your “lifestyle” and sell their product with it without sharing the profits with you. It’s not cool at all, but isn’t that the down site of our preferable capitalistic system? When people smell some “Big Brother is watching you” they get all nervous and paranoia. People really think that somebody or something is able to watch each step they make. What is this? Are we scared of being exposed? Or are we feeling ourselves so special that our government/the elite is watching us like paparazzi? I would love it when a company used my comment made in self-honesty full of common sense and in the best interest of all. Seriously I doubt that will ever happen, self-honest comments made in common sense will never sell dishonest products.

If we really could stand for the actions we take on social networks like Facebook we wouldn’t be scared when somebody is copying our “lifestyle” and we wouldn’t fear these kind of things so tremendously. As soon as we are aware of being watched we fear it, all is fine if we do not know it. Our personal information is everywhere on the internet, because we leave it and place it there. What is there to hide anyway? People get all nervous when their name is used for good or bad things on the internet. When your friends are recommending you to someone else without telling you first or your friends are gossipping behind your back,  it’s the same. The only difference is the money, on the internet the starting point for companies to buy your “lifestyle” data is making more money. So maybe it’s greed that makes us so angry at others that use our “identity” to make money and cut us out of the deal.

It’s possible to steal your identity in lets say a 15 minutes action on a computer and somebody else can use your ID to mingle within society and let you pay his bills or even get you into jail. Now that’s something to worry about. That’s data exchange in the worse interest of all. Still nothing to be scared of all day. What scares us the most is being exposed and that has nothing to do with our “lifestyle”, I’m talking about our secret mind. All the spitefulness, jealousy and abusive thoughts we all have within our secret minds. That which we hide the most, but can be seen in every action we take.

I wonder how my comments fit together with advertisement. Something like,  Sylvia Simone Gerssen said: “equality for all”, Viagra. Or Sylvia Simone Gerssen said: “check out the I-process”, Apple.

Fearing “Big Brother” is the same as fearing ourselves and that’s what scares the hell out of us. The fear for being exposed for our greed and the transparency of our secret mind. Don’t you see it, it’s the words you write and speak and the actions you take accordingly that expose you for who you are. That’s your identity/lifestyle that you leave behind on the internet and within society. Don’t blame others, blame yourself and do something about it. Already a large group of people are taking self responsibility and acting in self-honesty instead of blaming. They place the comments and information on Facebook you still react to. Thats us, Destonians who strife for an Equal Money System and world equality. See you around on the internet.


Reality check

This morning I had an appointment scheduled with the Jehovah Witnesses. I had to do a paper model fitting for the dress of R. Wednesday is also the day that I clean my house, so while mopping the floor I was playing out all kinds of scenario’s in my mind. Last week I had quite a discussion with them and a reality check with myself. A reality check because even when someone is approaching me with abusive, possessive behaviour I’m still the one who decides to react on that person and I’m the one that needs to find out what this other being triggered inside of me, which constructs were ready to play along.

While cleaning the house further I noticed how useless my efforts were to keep already in advance control over the situation. I simply had to check my standing in reality. So I said STOP to myself for this fountain of pictures and words that were only future projections which can easily become present manifestations. The thing is, when I’m in my mind precooking the event, I’m on top of the conversation and I’ll always win so to speak. After saying STOP the pictures and words disappeared and I was cleaning again.

When they arrived they specifically asked if they were allowed to come in, they did the “I’m so humble act” and the moment they were in my house they acted as usual. I had made the statement, after our last encounter, to not discuss religious matters with them anymore. Also discussing issues where we have/use different definitions are a “no go area”. They started talking about the world of today and I saw their brainwashing. All Jehovah’s must have had a training in which they learn to bring every theme or issue back to Jehova. F. opened “the box of Jehova” and I panicked a little of what to do now and I choose to ignore it and to go on with the conversation. It worked! I was surprised, I was really surprised.

We discussed Tunisia and R. stated that it was the peoples right to rob the elite who had everything unlike the ordinary residents. It was all so unfair. So I asked R. how fair it is that she has a house with all necessary commodities, food and health care while people in third world countries do not have those basics at all. If it is okay for them to come and take R’s “stuff”, because it’s all so unfair. R. stated that it wasn’t unfair for her to have her basics covered, and then she didn’t make the connection to others who do not have their basics covered. It looked almost like a wiring problem. So when people see what happens in the world on their tv, it’s more or less the same as watching a movie. There isn’t a reality check what so ever. Their life’s are separate from the life’s of the rich and the poor elsewhere. The reason that we have more, because others have less doesn’t even occur within most of our imaginations. As a child we understand that when we share a bag of candies with our friend and he takes 2/3 than we get only 1/3. We feel shitty because we know he took more than his fair share and he feels shitty because he took more then his fair share and is afraid you’re going to get your part. Isn’t that the same as the looting in Tunisia, yet when we’re not physically being exposed to this equation ourselves it’s only SF to us?

In a way a nice discussion and again revealing the true nature of men, but I did it again! A big reality check, I went again in a discussion with them and we were not clear on the word “unfair”, so it was a “no go area”. For R. it’s normal that she lives comfortable and that the third world countries exist. To me it’s the candy equation and something I can not allow and accept. I reacted on the fact that she is not willing to see how she, and for that matter we, are the reason why unfairness exists in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself on words that the Jehovah’s and I have different definitions about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that they are not willing to see that we are the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel panic instead of standing, which indicates that I’m not stable within this point yet.


My willy or your willy? 26/01/2011

Today it was kind of a willy day, now I come to think of it there are all kind of days for different causes (saints, mothers, fathers, animals, all kind of cancers etc.), but a willy day we probably don’t need. It’s ALWAYS willy day.

First this morning I was introduced to the “clone a willy kit” by Bernard. In China they are producing a DIY kit to make a replica of your willy, it’s a mystery who invented it. Probably someone who beliefs that the male ego is housed in a willy and that we all live in Willy World. Well maybe this person isn’t so wrong after all, our world is all about sex. It’s everywhere and even when you don’t see it you unconscious swallow the message.

Then I listened to Cameron’s video “What’s so great about free will?” Since the absurdness of the willy kit was still in my mind I read “what’s so great about free willy?” a split second later the movie of “Free Willy” popped also up in my mind and then a memory about a tv program in which a wife who was humungous in body size had a little husband with a little willy. When they had sex he was only tickling her. At the time of recording this program the willy kit didn’t exist yet, so she couldn’t ask her neighbor to clone his. She came up with the idea that her husband had to put his willy in a hollowed eggplant and then have sex with her. This memory of the eggplant was triggered by the word cucumber in the video of Bernard. An amazing tool this mind of mine, it took only one willy to pull a drawer open full of willies. The question is for what higher purpose am I having all these willies all of a sudden? You see my drawer is called the “unified consciousness field” which contains all human thoughts/pictures and that’s where we get our “own original” thoughts from.

So I ended up with all these willies for no reason at all, the only reason is a loaded unified field with sex related information where I’m getting my latest original thoughts from. It’s really funny when you see that for no reason at all your mind is giving you randomly information. As an ex-New Ager I liked to go into this “specific” information and make a whole illusionary world around it. Now I do not go further then investigating what definition I give to a specific word and in which constructs it has it’s connections. We are already from a young age being impulsed with all kinds of sexual images through advertising and movies, Walt Disney is a magnificent example of that.

Whenever we think/believe we are not influenced by advertising we are so wrong. Advertising is selling and selling goes through sex, because that’s what sells best. Sex equals money and money equals sex. Sex imprints are just everywhere even if we deny it. I always thought that I wasn’t possessed by it, I didn’t have these pervers thoughts and I wasn’t obsessed by willies. The question is wasn’t I? I searched for a stable and trustworthy willy by looking for the knight in shining armor who was willy-ing to stay with me till death does part us. Yes, P. I was after your willy! We all have these thoughts, but we are not a aware of it. After an assignment within my Desteni ‘I’ process I slowed myself down and experienced that these thoughts and pictures based on memories of myself or unknown,  were constantly flashing through my mind. This occurs so rapidly that if you do not know that they are there you’ll miss them. Of course there are also the obvious and visible ones and even those I dismissed as non existent out of shame. The thing is we all have a program running and no one is special or an exception within this. So I had to come into terms with myself, separating myself from these flashes and thoughts wasn’t the way to approach it. When they occur now, I simply do not participate within them, I will not accept or allow them to take me on a fantasy tour. We all need to know that these kind of thoughts and for that matter thoughts in general, can initiate and further accumulate horrible events within our world which makes our world as it is today. There is no excuse or willy in the world that is valid to not stop these thoughts.

These thoughts are only feeding our illusionary world which makes us belief that the free will(y) of a man is to free his willy. When men use their free will(y), they follow their willy. For a woman to act in free will(y) she also follows her willy. Since a woman hasn’t got an attached willy she needs to find/clone a willy for herself in order to have free will(y) all the time and experience freedom as in extase.

As long as money is sex and sex is money and we think that our ultimate freedom lies in having orgasmic experiences as much as possible, then we are living in a mind created illusionary world. When we breath and we are in touch with our physical world, it doesn’t take much effort to look around and see that sex is indeed money and money is sex. It’s the freedom that we will not find within our current orgasmic experiences. Which makes us sad robots chasing an ultimate feeling to find ourselves while we are here all along.


Money makes the world go round 25/01/2011

Today was a day of a lot of hard work and deconstructing myself. Normally I use the Sunday to put more time and effort into a blog, especially the ones on my WTF-blog, due to the fact that those articles are written in 3 languages. Today I spend a lot of time on a mind construct and made a daily blog out of it. It was a lot of work, some resistances and it revealed a lot, but once you start seeing the interconnections you understand that you could even dig for a week and still see loose ends. So, it has been an effective day.

I was about to make dinner so I could eat before my SRA-chat. Just when I went into the kitchen my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad.” Lately this sentence is almost  equal to a 4-letter word. Over the last years e-mails from my father-in-law are for 90% loaded with emotions, which are entering our house in the moment while I’m reading it.

His e-mail started with the statement that he was not sure if he was doing a wise thing by doing this offer.

P. has been unemployed for over half a year and I tried to earn some money doing a lot of labour for little income. We didn’t get welfare so it was really scary to witness ourselves and see how we could survive. We survived with the help of a lot of helpful and generous people. We were allowed to have a certain amount of debt at the bank, which wasn’t preferable but necessary at that moment. The funny thing is that the bank freezes your bank account for cash withdrawals so how on earth are you going to pay for your groceries? Here in the mountains in central Italy paying with plastic is out of the ordinary in grocery shops. That leaves you no other option then generating black money. You have to survive.

So back to my father-in-law who didn’t know if it was wise what he wanted to offer. He offered to settle our debt at the bank and if the taxes in Holland permitted it, an amount of money every month, it sounded nice but there is always a but with him. The first thing I thought was: “why does he always want to fix things with money that don’t need to be fixed with money. He always gives or lends money and then everything should be okay.” I wasn’t happy with this thought, it was an ungrateful thought according to society’s morals and values. At the same time I knew that one cannot bribe everybody with money. Years ago we didn’t see the trick of being controlled with money by my father-in-law, after all a father shouldn’t do that to his own child, isn’t it?

Then P. said: “wait there is a BUT.” and indeed there were rules for being worthy to get this bail out. P. is only allowed to spend the monthly amounts of money on his family and no money may go to Desteni or other similar places. I know how money controls us all and that a certain level of control is inevitable, but this is extra control on top of the existing control from society. I said: ” no, thank you!”, P. said: “no, thank you!” We have been fighting a lot over the years about the fact that my father-in-law tries to control our life’s with his money. He denies it and we experience it. We stopped this control by not wanting any money washed in control, in fact we stopped all contact with my in-laws 1,5 week ago unless within equality and the best interest of all. This was his answer to being in equality and the best interest of all.

I was mad, mad for not leaving us in peace. In reality I was mad about myself for reacting to the e-mail. For reacting on the control that he again tried to force on us. Why is it so difficult to let us live our life according to what we perceive as what’s best for all?  This time I didn’t feel less, I was mad about the attack and the attempt to rule our life. I stood, I did stand up for myself only still within emotions and that made me mad at myself.

I should thank my wonderful brother-in-law to bring Desteni to the attention of his obsessive, controlling, money fearing father. Just to point out what the consequences are of his actions or is that the revenge of my ego speaking?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at my father-in-law instead of seeing in that moment that I was mad at myself for not fully standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled by the money of my father-in-law and keeping myself still within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse help with rules and restrictions which makes me go into the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of  revenge towards my brother-in-law not seeing that it always reflects back onto me.