The piercing, screaming, filled with frustration voice of my neighbour is giving me the shivers. This sound goes deep within my physical body and emotions and feelings are moved within my solar plexus. I’m almost living 2 years next to her and I knew perfectly well that my reaction towards her were more then not liking her voice. I could not put my finger on the spot, what is this sound triggering? It’s only the sound of her voice, because most of the time I do not see her but only hear her. I allow myself to react on the sound of her voice and subsequently have spiteful thoughts about my neighbour. So instead of investigating my reaction inwards I’m reacting outwards towards my neighbour as a person.
My neighbour screams during the whole day at her two dogs, when she doesn’t know where they are and also within normal communication with the dogs she screams. When she is outside and wants to talk to the neighbours from across the street, she screams. When her husband is outside and he needs to do something for her, she screams. When she speaks normal her voice is still piercing and the words that come out of her mouth are blaming, victimizing herself and expressing how heavy life is to her. At a certain point I started to develop a dislike for her, while knowing there was something deep inside me that needed to be investigated/adressed.
I feel shameful for my reaction towards my neighbour it is almost humiliating to know that I’m not able to literally love my neighbour as myself. Which reveals even more about myself, my spitefulness towards her is in fact spitefulness towards myself. My non acceptance of her behaviour is in fact me not accepting my own behaviour. I’ve been shoving this reacting point under the carpet for a while now, chasing the big points and the feel good points. It’s time to face that I’m not only the nice woman next door, also I consist of evil whether I like it or wether I do not want to face it.
Another point is that almost throughout whole Italy the women have these voices, they all scream to each other from their open window or balcony. Doorbells are not used, the postman honks his car and people scream in front of your window. It’s the Italian way of living, although I do have Italian DNA this part I didn’t inherit. In my perspective my neighbour is outstanding and has the most piercing voice I ever heard.
The question is, what does this voice represent to me. This voice represents negativism, bleakness, dreariness, a side of my life that I do not want to look at. I muscle tested a phrase in a book that said: “Why am I inclined to chose the negative? And to punish myself for it? I remember that my American boyfriend once asked me why I was so negative and I was offended. I didn’t see myself as negative, in the contrary I perceived myself as positivity itself. He saw the negative in me and I punished myself by feeling ashamed and worthless. It’s my dark side which I want to keep in the dark and emphasis the good and positive. Which results in secret mind activity and spitefulness to balance out this polarity.
When I hear the voice of my neighbour my body tenses and I feel resistance for entering this energetic experience so I close it down right away and turn myself against the outside stimulus who so called caused it. During my New Age period I had a great time, New Age is only confirming the positive so I felt “at home” within it. It was okay to only focus on the positive till I started feeling friction within and saw that the amount of dark inside me wasn’t able to be covered up anymore. I started searching and found Desteni, who simply told me that the positive can’t exist without the negative and denying the negative is an act of dishonesty. I reacted in the beginning on this oh so true statement, I reacted because I knew that it was true. Though I still kept the lid closed on the “Pandora box”. I know that there is a lot of negativism inside me though it’s not something I can all forgive at once, step by step I have to delete this and reprogram myself again. I see and admit that I do have a dark side, spitefulness and negative thoughts inside me. I also see that it will not lead me anywhere than spiraling down in more of the same, creating and manifesting these dark thoughts or hurting others with it. It has to stop, I have to stop every negative thought that comes up in me and find out where it is connected.
So in fact my neighbour helped me to see and look inside. I do not need to be afraid of these dark thoughts of my mind, it’s only balancing out my positive thoughts and the behaviour coming forth from it. I like to be seen as a good person, but if I’m only good then another person must be only bad and also that is my responsibility. My unwillingness to see who I became is creating my reality and in the end that isn’t cool at all. It has to stop right now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the shivers while hearing my neighbours voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience emotions and feelings moving around in my solar plexus.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my neighbours voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on my neighbours voice and have spiteful thoughts about her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions about my neighbours voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and humiliated by myself for not being capable of loving my neighbour as myself over a piercing voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to accept my negative behaviour and thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended by the truth of being negative and positive at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for being negative by feeling ashamed and worthless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on my neighbours voice with tensing up my body and feeling resistance for entering an energetic experience of negativism and therefore separating myself within denying my negative side.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel friction inside me and not acting on it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest by denying the negative inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark side inside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to see what I created with my behaviour.