I woke up this morning with a feeling of anxiety and I couldn’t trace what it was about. After breakfast I still had this feeling but less than before, then my partner P. discovered a response e-mail from his brother on his response e-mail from yesterday on which we wrote a blog yesterday. To be brief I can summarize the whole e-mail in two words: dishonesty and bullshit. I do experience my brother-in-law already for years according to these two words. Maybe I’m expressing myself strongly and do I need to leave some space open for common sense. Although when some one contradicts oneself quite a lot and says things like: I understand equality but why do you guys while living in the mountains in central Italy in a small village care about the third world? In such a moment my bullshitters alarm goes off.
Then I had a conflict with my serger, when I’m in conflict with my serger then there are underlying issues. Also here I hadn’t really a clue other then maybe feeling some frustration related to the e-mail.
Just before lunch I went for a walk upon the mountain just behind my house to make a second video about Freedom. Yesterday we taped it and the camera only had two pieces film on the camera when we downloaded it onto my computer. Today I made 5 short pieces of video, when I make it longer than 9 minutes my editing program has difficulties. Since I do not want to watch on a clock the whole time I only tape short footage to avoid this problem. When I returned and connected the camera to my computer I only had 3 pieces of film and they were all test recordings. So again no footage to finish my video. I decided to tape it with my webcam inside the house and simply finish it. I uploaded the quicktime movie on You Tube and all went well except for the processing part. The whole thing was hanging, so I deleted the video and did it again. With succes this time.
My chat with Esteni tonight had no disconnections or technical problems, so lucky enough no manifestations all the way up to South Africa.
A hour ago I baked cookies and I forgot to put the temperature on 175 degrees Celsius and set it on 225 instead. I can tell you one thing, these cookies are crispy.
Throughout the whole day I had technical problems and wasn’t able to find the source of these impractical problems. So I tested with muscle communication in one of my books: “That’s the problem with the truth. The truth is ruthless. She won’t let go. It creeps up on all sides and shows you what reality is. That can be annoying.” This does makes sense, but what truth is creeping upon me? So the next sentence I tested is:
“Am I one of them?” I tested for Desteni, as my in-laws, bullshitters etc. and all tested negative. So I searched further and found the following: ” You can’t know, and become, what you are when that what you aren’t is missing.” So what’s missing then? I’m not a whole I live in separation, something like that? Yes, in separation with my world. This is interesting, because separation can be found in so many areas. Ok lets pick one that’s really prominent for today. I tested for sense of humor, I do not use enough humor and see most things too serious. As in being one of them reverse to too serious people. In that way I do not allow myself to have a break and release some tension. So by not using much humor lately I’m separating me from myself and therefore I can not know and become what I am. I should have laughed about all these manifestations of myself and not take it so serious that I let it frustrate me. I was only pointing out to myself that the “truth” will always knock on my door. It isn’t more or less then that, just me communicating with myself. Instead of communicating, I went into this serious and painful split, that’s funny when I come to think of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and not knowing where it came from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my brother-in-law according to his e-mail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict with my serger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with the camera for not functioning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with You Tube for not smoothly processing my video.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wanting to do a lot of things quickly and burning the cookies within this process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see live too serious always and not allow any break to release some tension.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respond to myself while communicating with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation due to being too serious and not seeing my world for what it simply is.