Sylvia's writing to freedom

Mourning 19/01/2011

Yesterday evening I had a slight feeling of oppression,  pain and energy movement in my chest. When I was ready to write my blog it was already late and I decided not to investigate this feeling due to lack of time. I see that this was an excuse and a justification for not wanting to go to bed really late. This afternoon when I was doing groceries these feelings of yesterday evening returned in quite a heavy form. Through breathing I had stopped it yesterday evening, since I didn’t deal with it the feelings came back and were more urgent. I had really trouble breathing and around my nose I felt this tingling, not dealing with it now could mean a hyperventilation attack. I didn’t fear the possibility of the attack, but I was driving the car and I didn’t want to let it escalate that far.

Yesterday I already connected the pain in my chest to the family construct. We just had this episode with my in-laws, maybe I was overlooking some energy thread’s  that still had to be adressed? Then I started looking into my own family construct. I had felt fear when my brother-in-law started contacting my parents, talking about our new faith and a €1200 course. My relationship with my parents is good and I feared him destroying this relationship. Which is kind of unrealistic since my parents know me already my whole life and have been loyal to me through al kinds of events. So I fear that this relationship will end?

Why do I fear this ending? I feel sad, till now I’ve been able to share anything with my parents and we’ve always been supportive to each other, but Desteni related issues I can’t share. When I shaved my head I did send them an e-mail in which I explained why I had done this. The points were more or less clear to them, but not really worth making a big fuss about. The only point that made their system go on tilt was my statement of how long I would be bold, I told them until it is done. They couldn’t connect a date or year to that so they figured may be forever. I felt as if I lost a part of myself. Last summer we did connect again when they were here and they made even pictures of me and my bold head, I didn’t see any form of shame. They were as unconditional and supportive as always. The only difference was that the reason for me being bold was never spoken of again. I tried but there was no immediate interest, so I stopped.

I felt separated from them and myself, I wasn’t whole anymore. I always shared myself, completely myself and now I only share a part of me. This means that I see them as more special, because when somebody doesn’t understand where I stand within my process, I stop pushing this person. That’s what I’ve been doing I haven’t been talking about process and politics anymore to my parents, if they have questions I will gladly answer them. Till then I can only be a living example to them and all the other beings within my reality. I had made peace with this, but underneath it all I kept hanging onto this feeling of longing. I still longed for this relationship in which we could talk about everything and therefore support each other with everything. Through the longing I kept myself in the past and started having feelings of mourning. Mourning for the part that I lost and still longed for. I have to cut myself loose from the past and start living in the present with my parents, no longer holding on to pictures and memories that once were. The sadness that I feel is the sadness for all those people who are resisting the message so much, the message of self-honesty and equality.

What has been bothering me yesterday and today are feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears. All products of the mind and not of our physical reality and therefore not real. When I strip this event from all that isn’t real, I’m left with 3 people who are at different stages in their process and therefore do not connect on this point. There is no reason for separation, we still live in the same physical reality and there are many points on which I can show them that a human being can improve herself in the best interest of all. Putting it this way without emotions and feelings it is just not that heavy as I felt it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about the oppression and chest pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications for not wanting to work on the family construct point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother-in-law will destroy my relationship with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with my parents will end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about not being able to completely share myself with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel losing a part of myself after shaving my head and my parents misunderstanding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel whole again separated from my parents for not being able to share myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the past through the longing and memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for those that aren’t active in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my world through emotions and feelings.

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One Response to “Mourning”

  1. Thanks for sharing.
    I had similar feelings come up today, in regard to my parents, as though I could feel the emotional tie to them. My parents don’t want to hear about what I am doing, or rather, because my parents are very verbal and outspoken, our conversations become emotional, ending in statements ” that it is sad” etc. Then I want to walk away and not participate in this futile emotion.SO, I must just say stop, do not be sad for me.
    Thanks


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