Sylvia's writing to freedom

Are we all terminal patients? 23/01/2011

When reflecting on the word terminal with my partner P. we came to the conclusion that we are all equally terminal patients.

A terminal III patient for instance has a life expectation of 12 months, when one is in it’s last phase of terminal illness one has a life expectation of 3 months. We go nuts when a doctor predict how long we still have to live. Suddenly we are determined by the fact that we do not live eternally, although most medical predictions are as accurate as your daily horoscope we let this message freak us out. We all understand that when you are born at a sudden moment you will die at a sudden moment, common sense. No life elixer has ever prolonged any life. The pharmaceutical industry likes us to believe that they time after time discover a new life elixer in the disguise of vaccines and pills. That’s no life elixer that’s profit and hard to swallow for those that see the end of their life creeping up to them.

When in my third year of my social work study I had an internship in a nursing home. The patients were sleeping on wards with at least 12 patients, their belongings were a bed, a nightstand and a cupboard. For months or years these patients stayed in this nursing home. It was basically their last place before they would die. Severely ill patients who were too expensive to stay in a hospital and were therefore transfered to a nursing home. When these patients entered their last phase in life, the terminal phase, they were placed in special terminal rooms to spend their last 3 months. Just before death they were allowed to have some privacy for themselves and their family. The question is if they were given privacy or just taken away even further out of the system that we call society. Death isn’t something we like to watch, we don’t want to watch our ultimate fear to grab another being. We like to dress up the death with all kinds of mystery and smoke curtains, we don’t want to see how we end up in our self created ugliness and fears. When doing my internship in this nursing home I was about 24 years old and I didn’t like these rooms for the death it spooked me out.

My first experience with death, as in physically dead, was while sitting at the back seat of my parents car while driving on the highway. We were slowly passing by a traffic accident that just had happend,  a wrecked motorcycle on the road and a lifeless man was lying next to it. In a fraction of a second I saw this face of a dead man and with all the unconscious and inherited information I had gathered already as a 10 year old about death, I did set a picture and definition attached to it in my mind for life. Whenever death came up in real life this picture would pop up with all emotions and feelings attached. The main experience when the word death came up was fear, fear for the unknown.

Later in life I refused to look at dead people, every single time when a family member passed away I went to their funeral to be “respectful” to the family. Whenever others would force me into looking at a dead person I would freak out inside myself and told the other that I didn’t see any purpose for looking at a dead body. Once when I was living in Italy within my first year, I went with a few ladies to a hospital before doing groceries and due to language difficulties I didn’t understand what they were going to do. Before I knew it we ended up in the mortuary of the hospital to pay the last “respects” to a family member of 2 of the ladies. I again freaked out inside myself and told them to go inside the room and that I didn’t want to be rude by entering the room as a stranger to the family.

I didn’t fear reality by watching dead bodies I feared the reality of my mind. The mind who I trusted as myself made me belief that all the ideas I had formed about the death were real and that real life was threatening me. Apart from my mind reality, the physical reality was showing me the most natural thing in life. The one thing we can be sure about and that I feared the most. When we are born people are happy, when we die people are sad. It’s only closing the cycle of life, birth and death the polarity of life. That’s what we do all our life, playing out this polarity and not seeing that in between the Alfa and Omega we are supposed to live life in the physical. It’s our opportunity to experience ourselves within the physical and what are we doing? We get lost within the fear of death, that doesn’t make any sense. That makes us terminal patients waiting for our inevitable death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spooked by the death rooms for terminal patients in the nursing home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead motorcyclist and connect all kinds of emotions and feelings to this image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind in relations to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out when being confronted with seeing death people, instead of seeing that it was my mind using memories to generate this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind for being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of the image of death and not seeing it for what it is. Instead of being my own directive principle and belief that what is physically real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the polarity of life in fear instead of living life the fullest in the physical one and equal to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for death as a terminal patient and fearing the one thing that is certain.


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