Sylvia's writing to freedom

Porca Madonna, this has to end now. 24/01/2011

I’m still struggling with the question why or how it is that I do not make any progress within learning Italian. Since my SRA-group is going to do a module of mins constructs I figured I could as well do a mind construct on this question. The word mind construct gives me a discomfortable feeling and a feeling of “am I capable of doing mind constructs?”. So I looked briefly into this and saw that when I did mind constructs within my SRA course I was at this breaking point of my course, which resulted in reticence and having to do a lot of material in less time than it was supposed to. In that period I doubted myself tremendous, so I can see now that this memory of discomfort has been attached by me onto the word mind constructs. I did a mind construct as I said and it took me 2 days in between all other to do jobs. I felt resistance, but I pushed through. In this blog I share the story that I found out after doing some ranting&raving, timeline/mind construct, self-forgiveness and self corrective statement.

Porca Madonna, which is written in the title is Italian for: Jesus, shit, fuck etc.

I always used my non existing motivation to learn the Italian language as a excuse. I was never been in Italy till I met my partner P. and we spend our first holiday together on the Italian island Sardinia. Since then and since I met P. who lived his entire youth in Italy I felt more special for having Italian DNA. To me this holiday and all the others that followed in Italy was an easy way to discover a country and it’s culture now I had my own interpreter with me. I was quite manipulative in getting what I wanted and always getting P. to be the interpreter so we had special treatments. I had no reason to learn the Italian language, my in-laws lived about 16 years in Italy but were Dutch and we communicated in Dutch. So I had no intend to put effort in learning Italian, learning a language just for the fun of it wasn’t my idea of having fun. It went even further I was convinced that I was genetically not capable of learning languages on a normal or high level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having no internal motive to learn Italian would be a valid excuse to never investigate in learning the language. Instead of taking my responsibility and seeing that without the language I’m making life impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special due to my Italian DNA which doesn’t give me a special gift to speak Italian without learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my in-laws for speaking Dutch and therefore not giving me a purpose or motive to study the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for speaking Italian and therefore not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate P. into an interpreter role so I didn’t have to take responsibility for  learning/speaking the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that learning a language isn’t fun. Instead of seeing that it was the feeling of not wanting to put much effort into this learning out of the belief that without internal motive I didn’t had to go into great effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m genetically incapable of learning a language. I identify here with my mother who has never accomplished to learn another language effective and I do not identify with my father who learns other languages really easy.

For many years P. tried to evoke me to learn Italian, but I resisted it and never took the bait. I felt deep down the urge to show P. that I was intelligent enough to learn the language if I had to. In the summer of 2000 we went as a family with both kids again to Sardinia and P. was a bit fed up with being my interpreter and asked me when I ever would learn Italian myself. I said: “you’ll never know.” We made some sort of a bet out of it which let my ego take the bait so I could show of my intelligence and I no longer had to feel the opposite as in incapable of learning languages. When we came home from our holiday I started looking for an Italian course. A lot of institutes offered only private lessons an charged large amounts of money for it. Since I only was honouring the bet I made I saw no reason and value to put a lot of effort or money in it. Eventually I found a lady who taught groups and private Italian lessons at her house. Her prices were reasonable so I registered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself why I started learning Italian without any internal motivation and blaming already before starting that I would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t take the bait after P. evoked me, while my ego wanted to proof itself and show of that I was intelligent enough to do such a language study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take any responsibility for the consequences once I would start learning the language., it didn’t only involve me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an ego polarity, wanting to show of and on the other hand feeling really insecure due to my beliefs about learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify starting to learn a language out of a bet and blaming my ego of forcing me into learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to search for a language institute and listening to my ego that told me I couldn’t back out of it anymore, too much shame to admit I didn’t wanted to learn the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend too much money on the lessons since I didn’t really saw the real value of learning Italian.

This lady was married to an Italian man and had lived for many years in Italy, she had already a little group of ladies who were about to start so I could start along with them. For 1.5 year I attended once a week these lessons and made my homework. I became good at written Italian, but my spoken Italian was still a disaster. This didn’t make me feel really thrilled about learning Italian. I felt shame while speaking the language and being afraid to make mistakes.  My first holiday in Italy, Napels, after a year of Italian lessons was a disaster. I couldn’t understand what the people were saying due to the dialect spoken in this region. It confirmed me in my believe that it was of no use that I took these lessons and that same winter I did quit my lessons. I stopped the lessons when my interior design business started blooming. I used it as an excuse to stop the lessons, in fact I was bored with it and I saw almost no progress within me and feared not being good enough to continue, I simply didn’t want to face the point behind this point. At that time it was only me and another lady who were still taking lessons, all the others had already stopped. I felt bad for the lady that was left alone, when I left the course thai meant to her that her lessons became private lessons and therefore more expensive then before. I felt guilty for the fact that I hadn’t been responsible enough when I started the course out of winning a bet and no real motivation and that another had to pay the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a situation in which I felt I couldn’t get out anymore since I had initiated it. I saw this as taking responsibility but in fact I was affecting other people with my behavior of not standing and being my own directing principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. I was good in written Italian and bad at integrating this into spoken language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame while speaking Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking Italian out of shame and not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes within the Italian language and feeling stupid for it and in the end not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dialects and to not understand what they were saying, not understanding my world which I believed would ultimate led to isolation within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking Italian lessons were of no use when i couldn’t understand Italians in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify quitting my Italian lessons with too much work within my interior design business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not facing my core problem with being bored within the lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not making any progress with my Italian lessons through self sabotaging with the purpose of separating myself from the system/society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self through self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad by fearing not being good enough and manifesting being good enough in the fact that I was so good to take on these lessons without wanting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not taking any responsibility with feeling bad for the other student.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more and seeing it as okay to start a course and then stop it without taking responsibility for the consequences of the whole. Me stopping with the lessons meant for the other student that she had no other choice then paying more or also quit.

After stopping this course I didn’t really look at the materials anymore. A few years later when we decided to immigrate to Italy I tried to pick up my lessons again and study my books which I still had. I still felt no motivation and felt dizzy and bored with the material, which was already a sign that I still wasn’t able to face myself within this point. I blamed the books for not being practical enough and only focussing on vocabulary for holidays. I decided that once I was in Italy and exposed to the language daily I would learn quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not benefit at all from my lessons even after I had stopped and again needed the materials/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not ready to face myself within learning languages even though I was immigrating and needing the Italian language more than ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dizzy and bored and not wanting to see that this was me saying to myself that it was a matter of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the books for me not learning the language effectively instead of seeing that I was sabotaging myself and started manifesting that what I feared the most, being excluded out of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blief that once exposed to the language daily I would in a miraculously way learn Italian.

In Italy we first lived in a isolated zone, my neighbors lived at least 1 km away from us. I had contact with my neighbors and spoke to other moms in front of school, but that wasn’t enough to really learn the language. After a while I started to carpool with my neighbor to bring and pick up our kids at school. Every morning she had breakfast in the bar with her girlfriends and we drank coffee. These ladies spoke in dialect and my Italian basics weren’t in place yet to easily learn also the dialect of this region. The conversations were boring and continually the same. I started disgusting these ladies and seeing them as stupid and uneducated while in fact I was facing myself within it all. My course in Holland gave me a vocabulary of a tourist and these ladies gave me the vocabulary of a house wife. I felt myself more than that and stared studying Italian at home with the help of DVD’s. I became good in answering the questions, but couldn’t apply it in real life it simply didn’t sink in. I started to become a bit desperate and thinking that I would never learn the language at a normal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to live isolated and not seeing that I was slowly but surely isolating me from myself and no longer willing to take part of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others who I talked with, that through conversation with them I didn’t learn the language as fast as I had imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust the ladies with whom I drank coffee every day in the bar. I saw them as stupid and uneducated, not seeing that I was projecting my disgust for myself on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame learning the dialect of the region for not having my Italian basics into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons for making a tourist out of me and blaming the ladies for making a house wife out of me due to the vocabulary they learned me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the vocabulary I learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the dvd’s for not being effective while I only wanted to lern the language by my own without support or assistance of others and not seeing that my starting point was self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t apply my learned information within real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the information didn’t sink in and not seeing that this was due to me sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate in learning the language. I felt there was something off, but not yet willing to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I would never learn Italian at a normal level.

Then 1 of the elementary school teachers offered me private Italian lessons twice a week for a reasonable price. I went to her house for a year and then she didn’t have much time to continue. I loved working with her, we became friends. I was glad that I was able to get other friends then the ladies. I really learned more then before, but still wasn’t at a level where I could unconditionally express myself. During this time I started writing Italian poems which I really liked doing. It was a practical application of the language. Together with P. I perfected the poems into understandable Italian and I really learned a lot while bumping into problems with the language and seeing my gabs within the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special that a school teacher offered me to teach Italian lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy for being her friend. I didn’t feel good being the friend of the ladies I drank coffee with and by being her friend I participated within the polarity of good and bad. I wanted to feel more with the teacher friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher friend for not having enough time anymore to teach me so I didn’t had to face that I wasn’t progressing anymore that much as I liked due to my self sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself while writing Italian poems. It pleased me when I found out that my teacher liked them and it gave me the security that she wanted me still as friend. With her as friend I would keep feeling good about myself, with the other friends I experienced the disgust I felt about myself for all that I’ve been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t work together with P. while he was teaching me.

I still lived quite isolated and had not much practise in talking the language. Then we moved to another village and I did my groceries daily and spoke with the lady of the grocery store to practise my language. She spoke in dialect and poor Italian, so I had again to adjust myself to learn another dialect before really knowing the language well. This lady told me about Italian lessons that were given at the town hall for free. So I did a year Italian lessons twice a week, the level of the lessons was extremely low, I blamed it on the teacher who didn’t use a book or gave any homework to work with at home. I came to learn a lot of other foreign people and the teacher used my knowledge of the English and Dutch language to communicate with her other students. I didn’t gain any new knowledge of the Italian language and labeled the course as useless and therefore didn’t attend the next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady of the grocery store for talking dialect. Not seeing that my memories about dialect and the fear for exclusion where attached to this new experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the town hall lessons as a extremely low level for wanting to feel myself better within this experience of not feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for not really being committed out of the fact that she didn’t use a book to work from or give any homework. I’m my own directive principle and it’s up to me if I do homework or expand on the information given by the teacher, blaming the teacher is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for using me as interpreter between the Dutch and English students and herself. I felt that I was giving but wasn’t receiving and not working within the equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t gain any new knowledge from the town hall lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher her lousiness for not attending the next year.

Last summer I came again to the conclusion that if I wanted to integrate and make my life work here I have to learn the language at a higher level. I always refused to study the language with P. as my teacher, but decided that this belief is bullshit. So I asked our American friends who also needed a boost in their Italian language to join me. It would give the three of us some more pressure to keep up with the lessons in the best interest of the group. I attended the lessons, but P. had a lot of attention for A&J and I sat there being present and answering some questions once in a while. Even my son J. picked up that the lessons were not for the tree of us, but more for our American friends. It started demotivating me and blamed the fact that it didn’t feel practical to me and I couldn’t really apply it in my daily life, on P.. It started to feel like a pattern because it felt the same as most of the other lessons I already had done and was only searching for a justification to stop with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not being able to work equally with me while teaching and therefore I didn’t use his support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify inviting my American friend to join the lessons due to needing outside stimuli to be motivated to study Italian. I wasn’t taking responsibility and searching already for something or someone to blame before it went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the lessons already before they ever started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for getting more attention and not seeing that I in essence was jealous on them for getting attention for their real motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for feeling excluded while I was projecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my demotivation for the lessons by stating that I had no motivation to start with, but that’s not taking responsibility and denying my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons of P. for not being practical and not applicable in reality, while that’s just justifying my behaviour for not wanting to learn Italian and not wanting to be faced with the real points why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of not taking responsibility and not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a justification to stop with the lessons.

Today while talking to P. the subject of the Italian lessons came up and I told him how I felt that it isn’t working for me. It need to be more practical for me, I said. P. was already thinking about making the lessons more practical, but for me I was already done with it. I felt emotions arising while speaking and I started crying. It was a really overwhelming feeling that came over me and in that moment I saw that I was denying life to myself. I was sabotaging my current life in Italy. By keeping myself at this low level within the language I was making it impossible for me to progress in whatever direction. Every time it had been me who was stopping a new attempt to learn the language. This fits also smoothly in with my attempt to escape the system/society by placing me financially outside the system and separating myself from it. I know that I’m capable of learning Italian, by just doing it and applying the language in things that I like doing. I already had experienced how fast that went. I’ve seen my progression within the English language too, just by doing it and facing it in reality. Why am I not doing this with the Italian language? I started to translate my articles on my WTF-blog in Italian, but that was still too difficult and P. didn’t have the time to sit next to me and help translating the articles. So he did it for me, I read them but didn’t learn much from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for the fact that his Italian lessons are not working for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not giving practical aplicable lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by taking on a too difficult translating job and then feeling worthless and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not having enough time to sit with me and help me translate my articles in Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility by letting P. translate my articles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for translating my articles so I didn’t learn anything from it and wasn’t able to experience it for myself within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of wanting to quit and not face myself which made me already quit before I even started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by crying instead of being a woman and to see what I had caused by not taking responsibility and separating myself from me and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when I saw what it was I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny life to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure I wasn’t going to make real progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop every new attempt to learn Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me to in the end diminish myself.

I probably have to kick my ass and apply the language practically till I’m at a level that it is enough to express myself and speak to others without frustration. Frustration with myself within the language and being confronted with my self created limitations.

By separating myself from myself I was bussy diminishing myself and I felt even good about it. Porca Madonna this has to end this is too much abuse!

When an as I see myself participating within this pattern of separation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that this pattern is directing me

and I’m not my own directive force anymore. I will no longer participate within his pattern knowing where it is going to lead me and I don’t want to abuse myself through diminishing myself. I stop and I breathe.

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3 Responses to “Porca Madonna, this has to end now.”

  1. cool Sylvia – porca madonna kick that ass 🙂

  2. Tonight Italian lesson again 🙂


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