Today was a day of a lot of hard work and deconstructing myself. Normally I use the Sunday to put more time and effort into a blog, especially the ones on my WTF-blog, due to the fact that those articles are written in 3 languages. Today I spend a lot of time on a mind construct and made a daily blog out of it. It was a lot of work, some resistances and it revealed a lot, but once you start seeing the interconnections you understand that you could even dig for a week and still see loose ends. So, it has been an effective day.
I was about to make dinner so I could eat before my SRA-chat. Just when I went into the kitchen my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad.” Lately this sentence is almost equal to a 4-letter word. Over the last years e-mails from my father-in-law are for 90% loaded with emotions, which are entering our house in the moment while I’m reading it.
His e-mail started with the statement that he was not sure if he was doing a wise thing by doing this offer.
P. has been unemployed for over half a year and I tried to earn some money doing a lot of labour for little income. We didn’t get welfare so it was really scary to witness ourselves and see how we could survive. We survived with the help of a lot of helpful and generous people. We were allowed to have a certain amount of debt at the bank, which wasn’t preferable but necessary at that moment. The funny thing is that the bank freezes your bank account for cash withdrawals so how on earth are you going to pay for your groceries? Here in the mountains in central Italy paying with plastic is out of the ordinary in grocery shops. That leaves you no other option then generating black money. You have to survive.
So back to my father-in-law who didn’t know if it was wise what he wanted to offer. He offered to settle our debt at the bank and if the taxes in Holland permitted it, an amount of money every month, it sounded nice but there is always a but with him. The first thing I thought was: “why does he always want to fix things with money that don’t need to be fixed with money. He always gives or lends money and then everything should be okay.” I wasn’t happy with this thought, it was an ungrateful thought according to society’s morals and values. At the same time I knew that one cannot bribe everybody with money. Years ago we didn’t see the trick of being controlled with money by my father-in-law, after all a father shouldn’t do that to his own child, isn’t it?
Then P. said: “wait there is a BUT.” and indeed there were rules for being worthy to get this bail out. P. is only allowed to spend the monthly amounts of money on his family and no money may go to Desteni or other similar places. I know how money controls us all and that a certain level of control is inevitable, but this is extra control on top of the existing control from society. I said: ” no, thank you!”, P. said: “no, thank you!” We have been fighting a lot over the years about the fact that my father-in-law tries to control our life’s with his money. He denies it and we experience it. We stopped this control by not wanting any money washed in control, in fact we stopped all contact with my in-laws 1,5 week ago unless within equality and the best interest of all. This was his answer to being in equality and the best interest of all.
I was mad, mad for not leaving us in peace. In reality I was mad about myself for reacting to the e-mail. For reacting on the control that he again tried to force on us. Why is it so difficult to let us live our life according to what we perceive as what’s best for all? This time I didn’t feel less, I was mad about the attack and the attempt to rule our life. I stood, I did stand up for myself only still within emotions and that made me mad at myself.
I should thank my wonderful brother-in-law to bring Desteni to the attention of his obsessive, controlling, money fearing father. Just to point out what the consequences are of his actions or is that the revenge of my ego speaking?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at my father-in-law instead of seeing in that moment that I was mad at myself for not fully standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled by the money of my father-in-law and keeping myself still within the polarity of more and less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse help with rules and restrictions which makes me go into the polarity of more and less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of more and less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of revenge towards my brother-in-law not seeing that it always reflects back onto me.