Sylvia's writing to freedom

Life as usual… 05/02/2011

It’s not that I do not know what to write about tonight. I already know the topic and there are so many more to cover. I want to write about my dad, but I do not want to make make it seem like a big deal, since I for the first time didn’t make a big deal out of it myself. It’s about diseases and just like my dad and my daughter I have been dealing with a hypochondriac type of behavior that does make a big deal out of physical discomfort.

 

Yesterday my dad called me on skype, which he never does without giving a warning in advance to announce his incoming call. Normally he calls through skype together with my mom and this time he was alone for the first part of the conversation. He started the conversation with saying: “it doesn’t look good for me”. I said, “oh”. Then he said: ” didn’t P. tell you that I’m sick?” My head was like an empty pothole, not that I freaked out. I made the connection between being sick and it’s not looking good for me and I couldn’t recall P. saying anything like that to me. So my dad, 72 years old, got impatient and asked if I was still living together with P. and if we were on speaking terms. I know his impatience of him so I did not react. Then my dad said: ” have you read my e-mail?” I said no I haven’t, I did see a 3 on my inbox. I’m finally at a point that I do not let my mail program control me by constantly checking it. Just at that moment he had sent me an e-mail.

 

I asked my dad to tell his story from the start and not to be bothered by all these circumstances. Quite some progress because normally I would have gone into a stress and into my daughter-construct,  as feeling guilty about the fact that I apparently didn’t know about all these new developments. While he was telling his story I noticed that I did know about him being sick and having it defined as the flue. Around 11 days ago he started having these vertigo attacks and he felt as if there was something plashing inside his head which made him dizzy and almost unable to walk. Also my mom had been sick with the flue and she experienced a normal flue dizziness.

 

They both thought it was the flue, but after 11 days my dad played the hypochondriac behavior. He went to his doctor and they were speculating about a little stroke. Within his imagination he dyed right then, right there. They made an appointment for him to see a neurologist at the stroke policlinic. I asked him right away if he had any slight loss of function, I have done an internship at a rehab clinic with stroke patients and their family as a social worker, so I’ve seen quite some cases. When he said no, I almost for sure knew it hadn’t been a stroke. I didn’t mentioned it, instead I told him that it was useless to take on opinions we simply have to wait for the results. Also here I made some progress, normally I would have told him that it was nothing also, without being a 100% sure, just to reassure him. Now I told him to wait and not to worry within his mind since we didn’t know the results yet, I  reassured him just as always with the difference that I didn’t want to activating his hypochondriac behavior more than advisable. Today he went to the policlinic and the neurologist did several tests with him and came to the conclusion that the problem were his ears. He’s got little cloths in his little ear veins which will disappear within another 14 days.

 

Both my parents were really glad there was nothing seriously wrong, they were glad to be able to live their life again as before and not having to worry. The horrific thing is that live as usual is just a deception and not real at all, it’s simply not facing oneself. Within not facing oneself diseases arrive, so it’s a circle where only death can break the spell.

 

I’m in a way proud on myself that I was able to take this event in the moment and said stop to all my destructive and hypochondriac thoughts I normally have. I was here within breath.

 

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