Sylvia's writing to freedom

I directed myself and not the situation 06/02/2011

It took me about 10 years to get at the point where I’m at today, not knowing if this is the final stage or if it needs more fine tuning. I tried it through manipulating, directing, being more than, spreading fear, apathy, but it all led back to more of the same status quo I was in. The reality I had co-created wasn’t meeting up to my expectations and desires. Big time future projecting within ignorance and playing out my mother-construct.

Since my daughter A. was able to help organize her toys after playing with it I taught her to be responsible for these belongings. Quite soon I was facing my reality of cleaning up after A., because she was too small or had no interest in cleaning up what so ever.   So I cleaned A.’s room every week and within an hour her room looked like there had been an explosion. I took it personal and ended up being frustrated and wasn’t to eager to start cleaning her room every week. I did so, but had to motivate myself in order to get it done. Then I came up with this capitalistic idea of offering A. a little amount of money when she cleaned up her room just before cleaning day. A plan that was to be doomed from the start since we learned A. that money wasn’t the highest form of happiness, the value of money represented within our world didn’t mean anything to her. I made up stories about dead and living insects in her room and initiated fear within A., this fear paralyzed her or wasn’t strong enough to act upon. I still do not know which of the two buttons I had pushed. At a certain point I felt that she was old enough and decided to give her the responsibility of cleaning up her room. Whenever the room was disentangled and the floor empty I would go in and vacuum and dust the room. This moment rarely arrived, maybe once in the 6 months. I pretended that it didn’t bother me as a mom or as a person. Obviously it did and I became quite apathetic to the whole situations and let it take it’s own path. I accepted and allowed this situation to continue and I wasn’t able to reach out to my child. I saw clearly that beside the mess in her room she also had a mess in her head which made life quite a challenge for her.

Now when I’m getting further in process I know that I can reach out to her, but only within equality. I saw one of Marlen’s video’s on how she had been able to clear this mess for herself, so I asked A. if she wanted to watch this video. She pertinently refused to watch this video. When possible I tried to open up this point together with A., but as long I was directing it, it didn’t work out. A few weeks ago I told A. that when she wanted to get rid of a lot of her fears and emotions she needs to clear her head and this can be done by physically  cleaning out the explosion of months in her room, she finally opened up and expressed that she resisted doing it all by herself. I told her that she only had to make an agreement with me and I would help her out organizing and clearing the fog. I was amazed but she asked me to help out, we scheduled yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s afternoon to get it done. I promised myself to not direct, manipulate or be more then A. I would take it within the moment breath by breath.

We went upstairs and I told A. that she was in charge of this mission and that we had to cooperate to get this done as equals. Normally I would announce my plans and order A. around as a mom. I said: “so where do we start what do we need?” Surprisingly A. summed up the things that she wanted, including a garbage bag. Throwing away anything has always been a hot issue. I first felt a bit strange almost suppressing myself to not direct the situation. After a while we’ve got the hang of it and we were happily eating ourselves through the mess. I was disentangling all the stuff on the floor and A. was sorting it out and throwing it in all the different boxes. The floor is clear now after day 2 and tomorrow we’ll sort out the drawers and get everything into place again. We had moments in which we were cold and didn’t want to continue anymore, but we pushed through. Already the first evening I noticed a clearness within A., she is happy and is asking herself why she hasn’t done this before.

I suggested A. to start writing on a regular basis and to create a blog for herself. She was really interested and my partner P. and I shared our experiences with blogging and how also writing can clear your head and see the things for what they are. Fears can be seen as fears and easily dismantled within self-honesty. Right now she is writing her first blog in English, her third language. I really enjoy my new way of sharing myself with A. and our new way of interacting with each other. I will not wander of in the future or get stuck in the past experiences we had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter in order to get her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct the situation of cleaning up A.’s room without directing myself in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than my child when it came to cleaning up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spread fear within my my child in order to manipulate her to clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my daughter with money so she would take the baite and clean up her room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an outcome through manipulating my environment and not being one and equal to my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my mother-costruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my desired results within A. cleaning up her room were not met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic about my self created situation within this cleaning issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order not to direct the situation, instead of seeing that being equal isn’t about suppressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or consider almost giving in to this feeling of giving up.

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2 Responses to “I directed myself and not the situation”

  1. that is awesome sylvia

  2. anton fernando Says:

    very cool.


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