Sylvia's writing to freedom

My visit to the farm 07/02/2011

This morning I paid a visit to the Desteni farm in South Africa, while lying in bed and dreaming extensively. Over the past 2 years I haven’t had that many dreams, the one’s I had were after waking up mostly not more then a blur or a vague emotional feeling. This one was vivid and almost like a dream within a dream. I was already able to reflect within the dream about the events. This experience made me decide to write the dream down right away, before this one like the others ends up at the dream-graveyard. In this blog I will look at my current life  and see if I understand my dream and where it fits in with the points that I’m struggling with.

I was at the farm and my partner P. and my daughter A. were there with me because they apparently had brought me to South Africa. While sitting in this kind of waiting room, decorated with old fashioned antique furniture, I noticed I wasn’t the only one that had arrived. P. started pacing trough space from one side of the room to the other while having his earplug in and having loud Italian work related phone calls. A. was sitting with me at a table and at a certain moment I asked them to leave, I was going to stay at the farm and they were going home anyway, so why not now. I was ashamed of P.’s unconsidered behavior and felt this desire for them to leave. A. didn’t throw a fit and she said goodbye in a normal way without crying and losing grip on her emotions, knowing that she was without me for a month. So P. and A. had left and from behind me a huge man started talking to me in Dutch. I was puzzled I didn’t know him and why the hell was he speaking Dutch. He said: ” that must have been hard to say goodbye to your daughter?” In an automated way I answered him and said that it was no big deal or even a problem, then I looked him in the face and said as snapping out of this automated state: “yes, indeed that hurts, I never admitted this before when having to say goodbye to her, but it does hurt.”

Going to the farm for a study trip is something that I desire to do, not necessarily now or within the next year, but at one point within my proces. Due to the lack of financial means this is regarded by me as fantasy.

The old furniture represents within my currents world, not wanting to join others for the sake of joining and not wanting the newest hottest appearance knowing and experiencing that  I’m able to be okay with who I am. I came to this conclusion recently that I, since long, am at ease with myself even when looking at my appearance, evil points, gaps and inflexible habits. These points are there to be adressed and can be helped.

The behavior of P. represents me reacting or being agitated about the behavior of others, while I’m only reacting within myself. Also this point I have been working on recently.

A. not crying when she is going to miss me for several hours up to like here a month is a reflection of the agreement which we are establishing together. Being equals who can learn from each other and reach out to each other. Also a point that I’m working with right now.

The huge man talking to me in Dutch represents me struggling me with my “identity”. I am Dutch, living in Italy and expressing my state of mind in English. I noticed recently that in saying “I am Dutch” I’m not only talking about facts it’s also emotions and identity, therefore ego. Since this week I decided to see this languages I speak just as languages and to not make any relation/connection with my ego. Languages are tools and that’s it.

The part of feeling hurt when leaving A. from my side is an old issue. When I brought her to elementary school she loudly cried after I said goodbye and begged me to take her home. School was clearly damaging her and that was cutting through my mother heart and making it difficult to leave her at school only because the law ordered me to do so. I’ve always suppressed this feeling in order to be strong for the both of us, but in the end didn’t serve anything then secret mind turbo thoughts and making the wrong decisions with emotions as starting point.

The next moment I was in my room, the one I was going to stay in for the next month. It didn’t resemble the rooms at the farm at all. I missed the part if Bernard entered the room or was already there when I entered the room, but he was there and I was there. We spoke right away about a lot of things, during this conversation he switched on little buttons that were all over the room. All that we said was recorded and that took me out of some sort of fuddle kind of stage. This scene was kind of vage as if I looked through a veil of mist. All of  a sudden I realised that all that I said counted and I was held responsible for. So at first the conversation had this cuddling kind of feeling which ended up in a feeling of almost anxiety though wanting to say the things in self-honesty, but at the same time looking for this back door to get my feet in between. I didn’t want to be pinned down on my words. During this conversation I was unpacking my bag and found out that I had packed A. her toiletry and no tooth brush. So Bernard handed me a disposable one and said: “we have enough don’t worry about these things.” This searching for the tooth brush was occupying/consuming me totally as in trying to escape from this dream reality.

This part is really fascinating, I was glad to be at the farm, almost like a relief. When I noticed the buttons and the fact that I was held accountable for what I was saying I felt checked. First it was almost as this pink cloud I was on and then the violin music stopped with a scratch and reality kicked in. I became really anxious about these buttons and I didn’t feel able or ready to talk about all that would come up or come out. I started distracting myself with trifling issues like the tooth brush. Right now I am at a point where I’m doing really well within blogging each and every day, but my vlogging is subject to a major amount of excuses and justifications, some are relevant or even facts and others are plain bullshit and delaying my process. Also on this part I decided to make changes and not allowing and accepting back door behavior anymore.

Before I realised it I found myself in another room also decorated in an old fashioned manner like a museum. I was standing besides a table where there were several ladies with their coat on and knitted hats on. The knitted hats were too big so they all had pinned with hair pins these hats to their head and hair. The border was knitted too loose and I was completely losing myself within the hats of these ladies. I felt the desire to concentrate on my conversation with them, but it was hard. I asked them what they were doing at the farm and they said: ” we are very religious ladies and we are helping out here at the farm.” I interpreted “helping out” as in serving services. Then I walked away from them to another part of the room, the room was completely open on one side and there were cinema seats to sit and look outside, at the open part. I was again sitting there with strangers, I did laugh a lot since I had arrived and I felt not okay with all my laughing which I normally not do that much. Within this moment I awoke and was back in Italy again.

The ladies with the strange knitted hats represent  my issue I had with my funny hat several weeks ago. I worked through that point and wear my hat a lot now in winter, without any shame or identity grant. The point of letting go of this point of ego/identity in general isn’t that easy. The desire for it is there, but it’s quite hard to get really stable within this point, it’s still a process to be completed.

The very religious ladies was a point I struggled with a few weeks back when I had an encounter with Jehovah Witness ladies. In this dream I walked away from these ladies and that’s what I’m practising in real life to not take the baite of my Jehovah clients anymore.

Sitting in the cinema seats out in the open is my experience of opening up and exposing myself to strangers on the internet to share my process.

The fact that I had been laughing throughout the dream represent a feeling of not completely being at ease, still having anxieties and resistances within my process. I’m not judging myself for it, it’s quite a bumpy road and I can save the laughing for afterwards when I realise what was holding me back or holding me in fear and to see that it was so unreal. A good old laugh and then up to the next point within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting the farm and dismissing it as a fantasy, instead of working to the point of achieving it within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that languages are emotional things and building blocks of my identity, instead of seeing the as tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within secret mind thoughts when it comes to schools, instead of confronting the school with their behavior and the consequences of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave room for back door mentality, instead of facing the point, working it through and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no dreams when I slept or any recollection of it.

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