Sylvia's writing to freedom

Searching for the key while it has always been in the door 07/02/2011

The last couple of days the weather has been like early spring weather. Big snow lumps at the side of the road are waiting to be melted away by the sun. Winter means cold to me, cold outside and cold inside. Today the temperature climbed to a 13 degrees Celsius, so not bad at all for a winter day. We live at the foot of the Black Mountain and shadow covers most of our garden in winter. Around 11 am the sun showed itself quite powerful in our garden, my partner P. and I had planned for a walk around noon, but P. had to work longer then aspected. Years ago I would also have stayed inside, but now I went outside on my own to simply sit in a chair enjoying the sun on my skin. I really enjoy the touch of the sun sun rays on my skin, much of my body was still covered, nevertheless this warmth fills my body and is a nice shift from the cold.

Around the age of 16 the moment that my female hormons ruled my body I suffered from decreased blood circulation which makes my fingers and toes go white and really cold. Another sees just white/blue fingers and the fingers nor toes do feel really cold to another. When my fingers are in this stage they feel numb and it’s hard to do any precise work with them. When I met P. it disappeared within a year and it came back here in Italy while living in several cold houses. As a New Ager I wondered what the deeper meaning of this all was. P. said that his love had cured me, but that sounded even as a New Ager ridiculous to me. Within common sense this suffering was simply Reynauds disease which occurs within the age range of 20 to 40 years. I started sooner and it stopped when I was  27. Then it started again around 39/40 due to severe cold experiences. So most likely when I avoid extreme colds it will go away. No mystical mumbo-jumbo here.

My cold experiences here in Italy I also tried to interpret in a New Age like way, since I was still into spirituality within my first year here. I never found an answer. Lately P. said to me that I experience, according to his point of view, the cold in an extreme way. So by force of habit I started digging what this feeling cold could mean or say to me. I dug inside of me till I came out at the other end and saw the light. Well the light didn’t help at all. I left the being cold issue untreated and went on with life. Till I went for a walk Saturday and while climbing up the mountain I felt my blood circulating and I became nice warm while walking in the snow. At that point I realised that I had been doing way too much thinking on the “feeling cold” point. It was just common sense, I needed to move around more within my day to let my blood circulate better. I normally are inside the house sitting or behind my sewing machine or my computer at a temperature of 16 degrees Celsius. No wonder that I was cold and no wonder the Reynauds disease came back. Again no mumbo-jumbo, just plain common sense. Reynauds disease is connected with emotional distress in women so that can be a point to chew on.

If it depends on me we can fire the winter, just bring on Spring. The four seasons are the one stable thing on planet earth and I want to play God and fire winter. That’s what we do as humanity, destroying stability and then begging for stability.I just did it in one single sentence, we’re evil and searching for mumbo-jumbo solutions outside ourselves while the key is still inside. Common sense, the equality equation and doing what is best for all. This can be done in every moment and every breath, but we prefer to hold in our breath and wait for answers from out of space. We are simply fucked if we don’t change or do something about it. I experienced how simply common sense without the influence of emotions and feelings can bring stability and isn’t that what we all eventually want for ourselves and our world?

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