Sylvia's writing to freedom

Not now! 11/02/2011

Lately I have been enjoying the communication with my body, I finally became aware of it. I had separated myself in such an extent from my body that even the signal to take a pee was something I totally ignored. This resulted in a huge trained bladder, but I can’t remember if I ever desired a big bladder.

Listening to my body when it comes to food has opened a whole other world and also here I enjoy the simplicity and collaboration with my own body. In a way it has given me more self-trust.

A few weeks ago just a week after my menstruation, my body started already to inflate in preparation for the next menstruation. It’s amazing how much my body parts can inflate and stay that way for a week or two weeks and then all of a sudden it deflates within an hour or less. It’s almost as if I imagine the sudden inflation and deflation, but in these moments I physically fit hardly in my bra or trousers and when it’s gone I have space left.

Last night just before I went to bed I felt an aching within my abdomen and figured it might be gas. I prepared myself for bed and the undressing part is in winter an horribly cold experience, but once I touch the mattress of my waterbed  I return to normal temperatures again. Within this moment of lying in bed I do not enjoy it when for what ever reason I have to get out my bed again. So lets rewind this, when I undressed and felt the pain I had a flash going through my mind while asking myself when my next menstruation date was due. I completely ignored this flash, because it implied not stepping in my bed while being cold due to undressing myself. Further in order to check my menstruation date I had to go downstairs again and start my computer again and look into my calender and become an ice lolly. Instead I stepped into my bed and enjoyed the warmth of it. While lying in bed I had another flash about me bleeding in bed and having to wash my sheets the next morning. I didn’t pay any attention to it at all and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke of a nasty tickle in my throat. I never wake myself up in the middle of the night and not at all for a tickle in my throat. A feeling of agitation came over me, why was my body wakening me and why did it want to speak to me in the middle of the night? I started coughing, but quite soon I understood that it wasn’t going away. Before I knew it I stood beside my bed and headed for the bathroom. At this point I was completely awake and drank some water to calm down the tickle in my throat. I decided to take a pee since I was awake and standing in front of the toilet. I produced a few drops and didn’t think it was worth it while sitting on a cold toilet seat for just a few drops. When I wiped myself I noticed blood on the toilet paper, my menstruation had just started and did not even stain my painty. I took measures and went back to bed. Okay, so that was it what my body was communicating with me, that which I was ignoring so obstinately.

Only this morning I realised that I again had been ignoring my body speaking to me. My body did quite some attempts to communicate and I kept saying: NOT NOW! I thought that I was apparently directing my own body when it came to my menstruation, but that was not really the case, it’s just a full automated program running already for many years. The only choice or freedom I have within this is deciding if I’m going to participate within the menstrual pains and discomforts or not.

I enjoyed my new acquired communication with my physical body, but only when the message suited me. Communication with my body is unconditional and may not be based on desires and mindfucks. So from now on I have to be more in the present and be aware of my own physical body. This time I was ignoring an unwanted message and I was within my mind already busy with the next task, going to dreamland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signals of my physical body such as having to pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being here and therefore missing out on the communication attempts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to hear certain messages from my body and others I ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change my menstruation cycle by ignoring it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the future doing already my next task.

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