Sylvia's writing to freedom

Sweet memories 13/02/2011

This week I watched a You Tube video of a wedding that took place here in our village last June. An American couple decided to get married in Italy and it all took place at the county house of my American friends J.&A.. A. and the bride were old classmates and the fact that her husband to be will be a pilot instructor here in Italy made them choose for our village to get married. Since I work at this country house as a cleaning lady and waitress I was pretty much part of a full week of wedding matters.

I watched this video with the expectation of looking back on this week in June. I recognized the setting, the people and the events, but it didn’t look like what had actually taken place and what I had captured within my mind. The images I saw were almost like in a fantasy world. It was the perfect advertisement for more weddings at my friends place, which isn’t that bad at all, but it makes you wonder about one’s memories. When I had seen this video without having been there, it would have looked like the perfect wedding. To me, with all my knowledge, emotions and feelings about the situation, the video looked like an altered reality. Old furniture like chairs for instance on camera look romantic and nostalgic, in real life you’ll fear, due to Murphy’s law, ending up on the floor like a peanut butter sandwich.

When I started to investigate my memories at a certain point within my Structural Resonance Alignment Training, I started doubting them. In fact it made me nervous, all these precious memories I was holding onto already for so many years, these memories that made me who I thought I was. My foundation started shaking, by all these flashes of the past. The doubt kicked in at the point where I had to unravel and explore the feelings, emotions and thoughts of the secret mind within it. I really feared making things up or adding things to the “real” reality. I started separating myself from these memories, I was puzzled, was I the memory as in the images within my mind or was I the feelings, emotions and thoughts that made this all up?

Looking back at my own wedding and the pictures that were taken that day, the pictures did represent what actually happend that day. Due to the famous Dutch wind my hair was constantly blown in my face, a goat almost ate my bridal bouquet and a pigeon pooped on my wedding dress. Not excitingly romantic, but reality and my memories agreed. Whenever an outsider would watch these pictures and would see us in the church kneeling in front of the parson, this person could imagine us being deeply religious. In reality we were no longer involved within any church, but we found an old parson of my old church willing to perform the ceremony. I choose for a religious wedding mainly to please the family and have the picture of a perfect wedding within my head fulfilled. So what is reality here?

Back to my SRA training to the point where I kind of feared to loose myself within these memories and asking myself for answers about authenticity and truth. I realised myself that it is not at all the point to search for the extreme and utter truth and it is not about separating myself from the memories I doubted at this point. It is all about the emotions, feelings and thoughts that were linked on to it. When I see the picture in my mind of me with my hair all in front of my face, it doesn’t matter if it really took place in this exact way. It is about me feeling less beautiful than others who had perfect wedding pictures, feeling less for not having the money to pay for a photographer and a stylist who would have taken care of the hair in the face etc. etc. From this one point the emotions, feelings and thoughts were accumulating and interconnecting to other memories  and forming this immense web. The same with the goat, looking at goats does trigger something positive or negative within me. Also the poop on my wedding dress led back to a memory of my dad who was pooped on his bald head when I was a child, he felt humiliated and we kids had fun. So it’s not so much if things really took place exactly in that order or that way, it’s about what you created within that moment  within your mind that determine your future.

The moment you start realising this, you are not instantly capable to stop your creative powers. Becoming aware was my first step and seeing where memories were triggered and creating more of the same. Realising that memories were not adding anything and didn’t make me a better human. Memories took me mostly by surprise and dragged me back into old patterns that had already been proven ineffective, but due to not taking any responsibility from my part they still existed and the loop wasn’t broken. Now when a memory pops up I trace the origin as far back as possible within that moment and break the loop by doing self forgiveness. This self forgiveness makes you aware of your thoughts and actions and which enables you to apply corrections within your daily life. Only then we can make a solid change within this world.

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