Sylvia's writing to freedom

How original am I? 21/02/2011

Originality one of the main pillars of my identity and one of my biggest struggle in life so far. Originality has given me highs and lows and I let it determine my state of being.

According to the dictionary originality has 3 different meanings:

1. the quality or state of being original.

2. ability to think or express oneself in an independent and individual manner; creative ability.

3. freshness or novelty, as of an idea, method, or performance.

1. the quality or state of being original.

When I look at this state of being original and then take it back to my origin of Self as I know it now, then I can not find any originality. When I was still in the whomb of my mother I grew from a fertilized cell into a human being just like all humans do. Within this process I meanwhile downloaded the information of my mother and her entire family and of my father and his entire family. So my building blocks to start off with were those of others that had gone before me, nothing to be ashamed of and at the same time nothing to label myself as unique or original. Me, a random mix of human qualities and abilities, who wants to be special which is an impossibility in itself from the starting point of my origin as a human.

2. ability to think or express oneself in an independent and individual manner; creative ability.

As a child also my parents saw me as special and original and confirmed all the behavior I had in that direction. I developed self worth from this stimulation of my fresh ego and my identity started to be moulded by my surroundings through my allowance and acceptance. Being grateful and feeling wanted. Going into the world and already seeing myself separated from  all the others due to my state of being original and being different. Already at a young age I experienced the world as “them” and I was standing at the other side of the line. Growing up within a capitalistic society enhanced all that I had determined myself to be. The moment I had to chose my profession for life I choose to become a monumental artist this did feed so much into my feelings of specialness, uniqueness and  state of being original. I simply had to follow my creative ability and it gave me a short period of feeling high, till the low kicked in. I saw the fake world of the artist with its pseudo intellectuals in it, my stomach turned by the look of so much surrealism within my world that I pursued as real. I had a quick peak behind the veil of the delusional state the world is in, I changed studies, but didn’t change my quest for originality.

3. freshness or novelty, as of an idea, method, or performance.

My whole life I tried to approach everything from the point of view of freshness and novelty. I even believed that I started some trends, since I started something and saw other people around me do or wear the same after a while. How can the mind trick oneself. We are all draw from the unified conscious field, how original can one be. We download each others data through relationships and sex, how can one even tell what’s his or hers. We are humanity and we simply blend in to each other, after a life time nobody has any original ideas or performances left. Even this non-identity fades away over the years, look in the eyes of the elderly and proof lies there. So my quest for originality is useless and just betting on the wrong horse. There is so much that needs to be done in this world that I can not afford it to loose myself in delusions such as originality. I simply have to let go and I will.

The whole point of originality and me taking it so far that it is has even bothered me to such an extent that it keeps me from effective living, in the sense of living in the best interest of all through the equality equation, became more clear to me this week. I saw already for quite a while that people were quoting each other and I truly didn’t know why the fuck they were doing this. From my point of view this was a lack of originality and the fear to rise above the crowd. I knew that several countries/cultures see quoting as a valuable virtue. I’m raised and educated in the Netherlands and I never had to learn quotes from other “important” people in school. When writing our papers teachers didn’t like it when you quoted a lot, it had to be original or the message had to be written in your own words. People who quoted a lot were in my opinion people with low self esteem and not capable to reach…yes to reach what? To reach to full perfection of their selves, to become their true selves? I don’t know, I see that it is a lot of judging and blaming from my side.

So I noticed my reaction towards quoting, within a certain awareness, for the first time this week. The only way to find out why also Destonians quote each other, was simply to experience it myself. When listening to video’s I liked to summarize it in my own words, as I was taught. Quite a task while struggling with originality at the same time. So this time I listened to the video’s of Sunette and took that part where I could relate the most to the information she gave to me and I quoted it at Facebook. Wow such a great experience to re-listen to that point within the video and write it out. So now it’s clear to me, it’s all about being humble and not wanting to be more than the whole for no reason at all. Just inhale the information and breathe out so others can also enjoy it. This is information in the form of oxygen. Really cool.

I am original and unique at points that do not matter and do not make a difference to who I am and what I do. Being my true Self in self honesty in every breath and moment, here within the physical is as far as my originality goes. Re-programming myself into a worthy human being, but all of this without the starting point of specialness. Just being and collaborating in the whole is enough to bring about change so nobody has to struggle and fight for his unique identity anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to be original and even to be the most original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see originality as part of my personality, instead of seeing that personality isn’t real, stable and of the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my personality when I’m no longer original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself when no longer original.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see quoting as an expression of weakness and low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that one cannot reach and become their true selves while quoting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as special while being original

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