There are days on which I experience this heaviness, I do not say depression, but it comes close to it when trying to describe it. It’s a feeling of oh my God how did we end up like this, the world is entering this endless state of madness and where am I in all of this. How can we ever get out of this madness? On these days I experience this feeling when participating within my little physical world and also when I enter cyberspace and participate on the world wide web. So many atrocities that flash by in front of my eyes and at the same time so many deluded and kind of drunk people who had way too much love elixer for the day. Sick that’s what we are, sick into every pore of our existence. This has to stop, we simply have to understand that this way it isn’t going to work out for all of us.
Where did it go wrong and where did I go wrong? Where did I accept and allow all this madness, where did I start to participate within this madness? Probably the moment I took my first breath into this reality on earth, its the sins of the fathers that equipped us with this feeling of heaviness. The cycle needs to be broken, the spell of the fathers, we need to start learning from our past. Understanding our past so we know where we went wrong and not falling for the same old mistakes over and over again. By all means no re-creating of our past. It took us a life time to get to the point where we are right now, therefore I cannot expect to undo this all within a breath. Step by step I can deconstruct myself from all the constructs that add up to who I am today and that’s the best I can do.
It took me almost 3 years to get to the point of being able to take a parcel from the postman today and be as neutral as possible. I saw the postman pull up his car on the drive way and walk up to my front door with 2 parcels in his hand. I openend the front door and accepted the mailed parcels. It’s my daughter A. her birthday so I looked at the senders name to see who had send it. It were 2 parcels from my in-laws, I noticed my body was making an attempt to get into this habit of being tense and anxious. While seeing what I was about to do I breathed and it went away as quick as it had come. Then my mind tried to backchat about the second hand wrapping paper that was around the biggest packet, but I watched the packet in my hand and it was just a packet, nothing more and nothing less. I called the kids who were upstairs to come down because of the mail.
My son J. started to speak in a manner as I used to speak when it concerned my in-laws and it shocked me to hear what came out of his mouth. At the same time I knew that it was me who taught him to speak in this manner by being his living example. I corrected him and told him that it was just a parcel from his grandparents and the fact that they hadn’t been too nice to us before, is just a memory that doesn’t say anything about the received parcel in this moment now, here. I saw that his system had a bit trouble to let go of his feelings of rejection towards his grandparents. I’ve recently been struggling and working on this point and I’m ready to take my responsibility within this family quarrel, my son hasn’t been through this process yet. I can’t blame him, I’m only witnessing the remains of my old self reflected in my son, the sins of the fathers.
This is only one moment out of my life where I was able to direct myself by self willed action. It takes a hell lot more actions to clear myself from all the build up bullshit in me and that’s only me. I’m only one dot in the matrix of all the people in this world and they all have to face themselves as I do, ready or not, reality will force itself upon them. Either they die or choose life, so you tell me what it is going to be? I’m correcting and changing myself out of the simple fact that changing the world starts with oneself. I don’t want to have a lot of these days with a heavy and depressed feeling. I will stand and take the bumpy road towards equality, only world equality will get us out of our shitty world. So simply hard work and understanding that no matter what equality will arrive with or without us humans. We see ourselves as these upper creatures, but I’m laughing my fucking ass off when I hear people say this. Who is this retarded that he isn’t seeing that we are the maggots and parasites of this world and not the other way around.