Sylvia's writing to freedom

The voice in my head 29/03/2011

The voice in my head is the one thing I lived with my whole live, we haven’t been separated for one day. I’m familiar with it, I trusted it for many, many years. It was the voice that made me chuckle and the voice that called me stupid or a coward. It didn’t shame itself to lash out on people, while I was holding my head still and rolling with my eyes to see if anybody heard the nasty, evil talk inside me. I identified with this voice like it was me, how could it be someone else, it was inside my head.

When looking back at all the years that I presumed this voice, my thoughts, were real. It’s peculiar to believe such a voice is real. I’ve had many occasions where my thoughts voiced by my voice in the head, were plain abusive. Self-destructive thoughts that were telling me what a low life I was, and I figured it was me talking to me. Why would I do that to myself and why would al humanity do that to themselves? Maybe the simple explanation is, that we’re all lunatics.

These thoughts in my head are made of energy generated by my own system called, mind consciousness. This is quite a subtle invention of my creator, the brown star in the sky. There are shows on television where people get an earplug in their ear to be connected with the show makers and they tell this candidate what to say. Just like the voice in our head, it’s also outside our true self,  yet part of our mind conscious system. So believing the voice as if it’s you is accepting and allowing this voice to verbally rape you while you’re not complaining since you agreed upon it’s existence and there were no witnesses to testify against it.

So I’m in a process now to no longer participate within these thoughts as energies, which is cool and doable one moment and almost impossible the next moment. You see this system knows my soft spots, since we grew up together. The system it’s goal is to accumulate more energy so it tries to trick me into all kind of thoughts that generates more emotions/feelings. By slowing myself down and reflecting upon myself within common sense I can trace back the thought and it’s origin. When I do not pay any attention and move on automated pilot, as in not being here in the physical but inside my mind, all goes fast and I’m likely to go along in this energy game of my mind.

Currently I’ve been quite satisfied with my progression and I’m having less thoughts inside my mind. These thoughts are also called the back chat, because it’s your system talking back at you. Or it’s talking evil stuff behind others their backs. Within observing this back chat closer I noticed that I didn’t have so much evil lashing out on others anymore. Then when looking even closer I noticed that my system was just tricking me into another energy game.

Yesterday I heard the screaming voice of a child on the street while hanging out of the window. It almost felt like there was coming in my mind a nasty comment about the kid, but I stopped it. Then my mind kicked in, my voice inside asked me if I could remember how I always reacted when I heard that child scream, if I remembered the comments I used to make. And then the voice comforted me and praised me for being such a good person who didn’t do this nasty back chat anymore. WTF I ended up at the same point as I started. Now I wasn’t having this back chat anymore, but instead the voice started reflecting upon my good deed and generated energy anyways. This is one fucking subtle system that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It always wants to have it his way, this voice is like a whining child in my head and I need to re-educate it.

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Kids & responsibility 1 25/03/2011

One of the most important questions a parent should be occupied with is, how do I learn my child what responsibility is and how do I  learn my child to be it’s own directive principle. It starts of with your own starting point of self honesty, there is no way your child is going to learn how to take responsibility when you do not walk that what you talk. That’s why you as a parent or care taker are the living example for your child. So it always starts with your self honesty and your application within reality.

As a mom of two kids of 11 and 14, I bring self-honesty on a daily basis into practice, which does not implies that I’m always successful within this. The beauty of living and interacting with kids is the fact that they respond immediately and reflect your points of dishonesty and points you still have to work on. There are also moments in which I have moved on, though my kids follow still my living example of my past, even though I moved on and changed myself in the best interest of all. In that case I do need to show my kids that they need to reprogram their behavior since it will lead to nothing constructive and is merely hanging into a loop I created for them to join me. So it’s my responsibility to cut the cycle/loop and show them how they should approach the new situation without emotions/feelings in common sense. To get some what practical I will illustrate this by an example of an event with my kids. I will outline the situation first, before starting of with sharing the event.

My relationship with my in-laws deteriorated over the years, first when the kids were small I was able to not interfere within the relationship of my kids and their grandparents. At a certain point when the kids became older I could not hide my stance towards my in-laws and they picked up that something was going on. Though still they went to stay with their grandparents in the summer holidays. I got in a situation where my in-laws got quite nasty, which I didn’t corrected at that time due to fears and needs. The kids started noticing the difference in the behavior of their grandparents and didn’t want to spend time with their grandparents anymore. We ended up in a situation where we didn’t see each other, but my in-laws kept communicating through e-mail and every time more nasty. The kids were confused to hear what their grandparents said about their parents and even about them. At that time I hadn’t yet directed myself fully.

So all this had happend and then my daughter A. had her 14th birthday and she got a parcel by mail from her grandparents and also my son J. received a gift. When I gave the parcels to them after the mailman had left, they weren’t thrilled. They took it like there was a bomb inside and had all kind of comments that showed how my living example had accumulated over time within their thinking patterns. First they were looking very unapprovingly at the gifts and indeed the gifts didn’t match what the kids were involved with in their life’s. When one does lose track of one another it’s not easy to find the perfect fitting gift. After a while they looked again and A. could already see how and for what she could use her gifts. J. was still upset that he got a book that his grandparents had been looking for since ages end finally they had found it and send it to him. He said, they know I do not like reading that much and I wasn’t looking for this book anyway.

That evening I asked them to send their grandparents an e-mail to confirm that the parcels had arrived. They protested against my request and the resistance was big, so I left it there and picked it up the next day. I asked them again if they would write an e-mail to tell their grandparents their parcels had arrived. This time they said, why should we send an e-mail we didn’t ask for the stuff they send. I explained that it wasn’t specific about the stuff it was just common sense to let others know that their parcels had arrived, nothing more and nothing less.  I reminded them of the time we had send a parcel and the receiver hadn’t communicated that our parcel had arrived. We asked it ourselves, but it would have been nice if they had let us know. Simple communication and participation. Now the kids understood what I wanted from them and promised to send the e-mail. After a week of asking if they already did send the e-mail my son J. started writing one. While he was sitting in front of the computer he decided also to write that he didn’t like to read books, though the story seemed to be exciting. This was great, he not only took responsibility for a simple communication point he also used communication to let his grandparents know that books are not the best gift to him, in which he was directing his own situation. A. took another week before responding and did the same as J.

I explained them that it wasn’t a matter of liking their grandparents and it had nothing to do with past experiences it was simply being here in the moment and communicating in a practical way to not plant seeds for more confusion at a later stage. In a way the kids were relieved and it felt comfortable for them to be their own directive principle and take in the end responsibility for this event. We talked more about how I was standing within this old conflict and they really felt they could do something about it instead of being the victim just as I had been showing them all along.

 

OMG they are no longer my friend 14/03/2011

Yesterday while promoting my “Equality message of the week for you” Facebook page amongst my friends I missed a profile picture. As easy as people do friend you on Facebook or You Tube as easy they unfriend you. And when I looked again I saw that I was missing out on 3 persons, my aunt, my uncle and my nephew. It brought a ominous feeling over me, they silently left the room without saying why.

These things are so revealing and again pointing back at me to show me where I’m at in process. My mind started guessing right away. Don’t they like me anymore, are they fed up with my Desteni messages, will they gossip about me within the family are they going to express feelings of concern about me within my family and can I fix this.

The funny thing is that I barely know them anymore, when I think of my aunt and uncle, I think of memories. Our last physical contact was 3 years ago on a birthday party of my dad. My nephew at the funeral of another aunt around 10 years ago. I accidently stumbled upon them on the internet and connected due to the fact that they are family. Whenever other friends unfriend me I do not ask myself all these questions.

When I found my nephew on internet and connected with him on Skype we had a short chat. He asked how I was and I answered. He didn’t say anything about himself so I suggested to exchange e-mail adresses to keep in touch and gave him the url of our family blog with all the stories about immigrating to Italy. He never responded again, till my dad said: “your uncle says that you do not want to connect with your nephew anymore.” I was left in the dark and could not figure out how someone could twist words like that. I told my dad that this was more then a communication error, it was ought. I left it there at that point, I figured it would be useless and no fun when someone isn’t able to normally communicate. I saw that I was holding on to my memories, those I had from him when my 9 years younger nephew and I were quite close and meeting up at family reunions.

It was rejection that I felt with my nephew a few years ago and yesterday it was again rejection I felt when not finding them between my Facebook friends. I see that I’m taking this personal while I have no clue why they left, so it’s my ego at work here. I need to work with what is here and here is my Facebook list missing out on 3 people. Why they left only they know and if I figure that it would make a difference if I knew why I should ask. In fact I’m not even that curious about their motivations, would they tell the truth if I asked or confronted them with their unfriending, I have no idea. I see that my concern is me in a self interested way. I’m asking myself if they are going to make a fuss towards my parents. This fear is based at my recent experience with my brother-in-law who in a possessed way was alarming quite some family about our involvement in Desteni. I say involvement in Desteni, because that’s what people see, they do not see or hear what I’m saying. It feels like being judged on their idea about Desteni, which that may be and if they even really investigate it or rather start screaming stimulated by their own fears. Again assumptions from my part while the fact is still that they left my Facebook account.

Is this changing me deep within my foundations of who I really am? NO. So then I need to stop bothering about it and move on. There is no need to get possessed about such a normal daily happening affect. I friend, people unfriend and I friend others gain. Isn’t that how life goes, moving on?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the act of being unfriended as something personal, instead of seeing that people can only decide upon this due to their own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project fears into my future about my aunt, uncle and nephew who could make a fuss within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach this event through the eyes of previous memories with these family members.

 

It’s always about us 12/03/2011

Natural disasters, bad and though times, aren’t they revealing the real intend of men? This morning while going through the news and talking with the kids about Japan, my daughter A. said that a girl in her class feared for the nuclear installations in France. How come, I said. France isn’t effected with disasters and their nuclear installations are fine. The point was the girl had seen the images of Japan and feared such an event and projected it onto her own situation. The closest nuclear installation here in Italy are indeed in France. This is only one example, but this is how it goes most of the times. We hear about disasters bad news and instead of taking in that news and really see what that means for those people and what can be done. Instead we project it onto ourselves in a fantasy like way, because we are not effected by such a disaster in that moment, and suddenly we fear in such an extent that we feel the victim. The ugly thing about such a mechanism is that a victim can not think clear and help in all ways possible the real victims. And again as always we end up acting out of self interest and are we not able to see the need through our projected fantasy based fear.

Then when going through some more news about the tsunami in Japan I read some comments. I like reading comments to see how others are perceiving things and where they stand. Here I read  a comment where someone said with a lot of emphasize that we are not to blame for  the disaster taking place now in Japan and also Indonesia with an volcanic eruption and that we can not do anything about it. Is that so? Or is it just a matter of who shouts the loudest is right?

Are we indeed not to blame when it comes to disasters? I sincerely doubt it, I can see that it’s some kind of wishful thinking and when the really bad things are happing it’s a relief to take your hands of it and have no responsibility what so ever any more. We have to understand that every action and every thought we have, how big or how little, it always has consequences in the physical reality whether you’re aware of it or not. So, when during my life time my actions lead to series of consequences how would all the actions with all their consequences add up? And of course we can not stop a 7 meter high wave while it’s happening, not even with thousands of people. We’re merely ants that are splashed away. Though it’s not saying anything about who caused it over time in the first place.

When I neglect the wiring in my house for many years out of a self interested way or just because I do not have the financial ability to adress this problem the end result stays the same. One day a short may have a devastating effect on my home and I find myself rescued outside while big flames are coming out of my home. In that moment I can not stop the flames and the house from burning on my own and I might ask myself why this has to happen to me. Things happen always to us, because we initiated them by actually causing them or accepting and allowing them.

So on a bigger scale within natural disasters we can feel helpless and victimized when the end result forces itself upon our reality, but we are to blame for not taking responsibility in the first place. If we really did not do anything that would have consequences, our world would be static and nothing would happen what so ever. But is that the case?

It’s up to us whether we see ourselves as a victim or we see in self-honesty that we are both victim and the cause. I do not want to make myself a victim through projections or real actions within my reality. I want to deal with the symptoms and even with that what caused these symptoms. I don’t want to be impressed by consequences of my actions while feeling powerless. I want to take my responsibility back and therefore I work on myself within the desteni ‘I’ process.

 

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.

 

Home sick or longing for myself? 10/03/2011

After watching Adrian’s vlog about his visit to Canada, his homeland, a point openend up for me. Adrian told about all the temptation on a consumeristic level and how he enjoyed the spontaneous conversations with others. Being able to respond in a natural way within human contact. Till now I hadn’t allowed myself to mesmerize about these points. I had put them aside as useless to whine about, but not really faced them.

I haven’t experienced any feelings of being home sick, in the way I perceive the word home sick. Home sick to me is really being sick due to missing home/country. In the beginning I missed certain foods and products due to the biased offer of foods in the shops. We simply have to travel 1 or 2 hours by car to buy certain products if lucky. The whole online selling is quite immature here in Italy, most of them do not trust buying online, even when they never tried it. The next problem with buying on line is the delivery, when you do not live in a city, the couriers make problems and deliver only on a strategic point for them.

It’s more the feeling of not being able to buy anything I would like and as I was used. Then when exploring this point further I see that it is nothing more then this feeling. I do not need all the stuff I once could buy and I wouldn’t buy it. So this must be rooted within the feeling or fear of having less, being left with nothing, what if… Being prepared for the unknown, which is ridiculous in itself, because I will never be enough prepared for something I do not know. It’s all distraction from now, the moment, here and facing myself within the moment here.

It’s the same with connecting with people, when I do not put effort within connecting with others how can I expect the same from others. After one bad experience with “friendship” here in Italy I gave up and avoided to really connect with people. I did hide behind the idea that friendship never was going to work with our current pre-programming. Though moments with people where I’m feeling equally to them and communicate spontaneously are rare. I simply have no big amount of experiences within normal day to day communication. Which makes me feel somewhat alone now and then. The feeling of belonging is in such moments compromised, but it’s me resisting it. I will never belong anywhere when I already made up my mind about the ideal communication between people. I never spoke here with anybody really in the moment without any mind shit around it. I never tried it yet I regret I never had it, how twisted is that?

In the beginning we tried to find the ultimate spot to build a house and live pretty isolated. We were chasing pictures in our mind of the perfect spot, which did not exist of course. I understand now that it doesn’t matter where or how I live, I will always live with me. I will always be confronted with me, no matter how far away from society, no matter how isolated I live, I still have to face me. It is me who has to make the effort and blaming others is a lame excuse to hide behind. This will be a though point, since it’s become a sort of coping mechanism to get going, I simply have to remember myself that these problems within communication would have occurred anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and hide behind longing for stuff to make me complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be prepared for the unknown without being prepared for myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be in the moment while connecting with people within communication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be equal to others within communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the connection with my outer world, instead of seeing that my connection or interaction with myself is on a low level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone while I am here all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret a connection I never had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglected the communication with myself

 

The dentist 09/03/2011

After breaking a tooth last Thursday, my partner P. finally got hold on the dentist on Friday. Just for financial reasons I wanted to go to this particular dentist, knowing by experience that he delivers good work for a fair price. The dentist had room for me on Tuesday, so I accepted the appointment and ate 5 days on one side of my mouth to avoid damaging more.

All days while waiting for my appointment, when the dentists was popping up in my mind, I felt calm. Normally, even for a check up, I had a lot of anxiety. Especially while waiting in the waiting room it was almost unbearable. Now while entering the waiting room I was just entering a waiting room. There was nobody in the waiting room except us and one patient inside the surgery room.

I asked P. to come along in case the dentist was going to ask me things I wouldn’t understand or in case I wasn’t able to explain. Also my daughter A. came along, just for the fun, she likes these things.

The patient who was in before us was ready to leave and the dentist said: “give me a second to clean up”, within that moment between thinking I’m going in but I actually wasn’t and the real going in, I felt a little bit of anxiety. This anxiety faded away once I was inside the surgery room and saw his familiar face. It had all to do with trust as I wrote about before.

I told him what happend and I was actually capable of doing so, before he had a look. He wasn’t alarmed about what he saw, he was more surprised to see my old amalgam filling. He explained to me that he was going to drill out the old filling and put some medication inside the hole and close it again with a paste. This was a temporary solution to avoid infection and within 10 days he will take out the paste and fill the hole with white composite filling and restore the piece that broke off.

While he was drilling I didn’t feel any anxiety for the amount of pain he would let me go through. No anxiety of not trusting him. Which made me see how much this trusting is of the mind. I trust people with whom I had good experiences and memories before and do not trust people who I had bad experiences and memories with before. So I was never ever in the moment while being at the dentists. While being in the moment for most of the time I saw that it was just drilling out a filling and through breathing I stayed in the moment and took it for what it was. Quite a new experience.

The first hour it felt as if he had put chewing gum into my tooth, but it hardend very quickly. I was glad I had gone to let it fix and not waited out of saving money till the point that it would have become even worse. I told P. that next time I would go all by myself, it wasn’t hard to find at all. It’s a 20 minute drive to a town in our area. That’s also a point of anxiety for me to drive somewhere new and keeping track of where I am.

I believe that I do not have a sense of direction, this belief is based on all the memories I gathered throughout my life. All those memories have been confirming the previous memories and that’s how I held this anxiety in position. I completely lose it when I see within my mind how to drive and all of a sudden there is this missing part and at the same time I can see how to drive next to the blanco part on my mind map. Or reality is inconsistant with the picture of the map in my mind. I’ll simply freak out and imagine to never come home again. Also this experience is so unnecessary, just slowing down and preparing myself so I know what I’m doing would be enough.

It’s time to deal with the past, slow down and seeing the things for what they are without any energetic attachments.