Sylvia's writing to freedom

A revealing ride on a dirt road 02/03/2011

My daughter A. asked me if she and her brother J. were allowed to go playing at their friends house. Yes of course I said, and then A. said:” But you need to drive us there.” And indeed I was the only adult available who could drive them to their friends house and I wasn’t really unwilling to do so, yet I felt resistances. For a split second I noticed that my mind was searching for excuses and making this event of dropping of the kids into something heavy. The same split second I called myself to order and saw what was really bothering me, the dirt road.

The dirt road I fear. The dirt road is a 800 m long sandy road with a few sharp bends and with different heights. Already when taking this road to the house when driving on the main road is a 180 degrees bend and goes steep down. After all the snow we had and now a rainy period the road is turned into a dirt road and the bends are more like a swamp. I am driving a 4 x4 Feroza jeep from Daihatsu, so that’s a safe pair of wheels under my ass. It’s not so much the car I fear, it’s more fearing myself within driving on steep muddy roads.

So I took the kids and thought I’d got myself over the fear, but instead suppressed it, and drove away. While taking the bend and driving unto the dirt road I had already this ominous feeling, but suppressed it by saying: “don’t be so silly”. The road was as muddy as always and before I knew it I was on top of the hill in front of the house. The kids got out, I turned and took the dirt road back to the main road. Already after the first bend going steep down and entering this little valley, my eyes were fixed on the steep part up towards the asfalted main road. Again the same ominous feeling got hold of me. So that was the part I feared the most and indeed it’s a difficult part. I have to stop at the top of the steep part of the road, already 2 wheels on the asfalt and 2  still in the mud. If I’m lucky I can do the whole maneuver in one action, but at my right there is a house in my eyesight which doesn’t give me a clear image if it’s safe to turn to the right. At the same time I have to watch the traffic from the right, on the other side of the road, since I cannot make the turn without passing the other lane. This maneuver is therefore hard to take in one time, wich means that I have to do the inclining test on the steep part of the road.

I was lucky and could do the whole action in one go. While turning onto the asfalt road and not seeing much due to the house that was blocking my sight, I almost overran two pedestrians. There is no footpath so people have to walk on the road or in the muddy bank of the road. I was surprised and shocked at the same time when these pedestrians appeared at the right side of my car. I was still full of anxiety due to the steep bend, entering the main road and immediately my mind started within the secret mind a backchat blaming the pedestrians. “Those morons, how can they even think it’s a good idea to walk on this side of the road. I could have hit them and what then? Yes of course and then I’m the boogywoman. Stupid assholes”. With my heart beating in my throat I drove home and realised how a simple drive on a mud road had disembodied so much emotions, feelings and fears in me. The fear of thinking that I wasn’t capable of doing the inclining test the right way without sliding and entering the main road without causing an accident. I simply feared to lose control over my physical reality. So basically fear of loss and fear of death.

Simple events like this could even turn into ugly events. Lets say I confronted these pedestrians with their action, which wasn’t an action as a traffic violation, and I would act upon this energy inside me generated by the fear I just had experienced. I could have become violent and those people had no idea what so ever why, they themselves could even become angry with me and act violent back at me. Or I just drove by after driving close up to them and every time I would see these people in the village I could become angry on them again for the same thing. These people would grow in my mind into horrible people and all negative stuff possible that I would hear or find out about them, I would connect to their picture in my mind. One day I might snap and burst into a demonic anger and act upon that energy and harm those people physically while being possessed by their picture in my head.

Lucky enough I could see what was happening almost along the whole event, nevertheless I have to work through some fears, emotions and feelings here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of inclining on the steep road and fear all the next experiences of doing the inclining test on that steep road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of the inclining test on the steep road and feel already anxiety when not in this situation but only thinking of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of losing grip with my jeep on the steep dirt road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control by not being certain about my driving skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being secure of my driving skills due to memories that backs this feeling up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within driving, therefore within not trusting myself not trusting my driving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down and be in the moment to see that driving and doing the inclining test isn’t difficult and dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control and seeing that as the worst thing that could happen to me, instead of asking myself what would happen then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control and within this process fearing to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself so I will diminish and no longer exists as in dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards others to release a moment of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my reaction after experiencing fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the energy of fear and therefore not being in the here/present in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself while I’m in a situation that I already experienced before and knowing that it will not lead me anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting in the best interest of all while being possessed by fear, fear of loss and fear of death.

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