After finishing my lunch today it felt as if there was something sticking in between my teeth. When I tried to release the piece of food, as I thought, I found myself with a little piece of tooth in my hand. I quickly estimated the situation and felt with my tongue what had gone wrong inside my mouth. I hadn’t chewed on a hard piece of food or something like that. I found out that it was indeed a piece of tooth and by losing this piece my dental filling was now in the open and felt like a sharp cutting edge. This edge has by now damaged the inside of my cheek and it also hurts a little bit.
Normally when there is something wrong with my body I freak out. This time I was calm and even suggested my partner P. that we might need to see a dentist. Me suggeting to go to a dentists ! The freaking out part is now I look at it more closely more present when I do not know what it is I matter. Then my mind fits all kind of stored medical information unto the symptoms I have and starts filling in all types of diseases. One worse then the other and I’m so to speak are arranging my own funeral.
Now it was easy, my tooth broke and I need to see a dentist. So no mind fucks there, all clear. Common sense, check. The equality equation, check. Okay tomorrow I will make an appointment with a dentist we already know. Well that’s it.
But of course that wasn’t it. Though I didn’t freak out by the word dentist as in fear for pain or fear for not being in control in my case. The word dentist did trigger a whole different area, money. When I walked the whole event another time when slowing down, I noticed that already last week I felt a strange bubble on top of my tooth. I examined it thoroughly with my tongue and kind of hoped that it was nothing serious and never deliberately payed attention to it till today. I hoped it went away out of the fear that it could be something expensive, since dental costs are not covered by health insurance here in Italy, and that shows, most people have really bad teeth. So now I found myself with a piece of tooth in my hand and there was indeed a reaction that took hold of me.
Still in Holland I didn’t trust dentists, at least the one’s I had experienced till then. My first dentist when drilling my first tooth hole when I was 8 years old, asked me to squeeze his hand if it was too painful and then he would stop for a moment. I squeezed till I dropped, but the man never stopped. Later in life I experienced how dentists tried to make more money out of me. Since I never had anything wrong with my teeth while doing check ups, they found other ways to make money out of me like x-rays, appointments with a dental hygienist etc.
Since we know this dentist here in Italy personally, there is always the possibility to ask if I can pay in terms if it is too expensive to pay in one time. I have seen him in action and I know he isn’t a money squeezer. I have no idea what the restoring of a tooth will cost and if it is a matter of restoring, so I will not go there and fantasize about it. Tomorrow I will hear more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my medical care by the amount of money I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to pay the dentist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body out of the fear of not having enough money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust dentists due to primair experiences and memories .