Sylvia's writing to freedom

Asking 07/03/2011

Asking is a skill we all learn as soon as we can speak. As toddlers we understand that things will arrive at will when we ask for the subject. Milk, cookies, toys even kisses. At a certain point we get even pretty good at asking and fathom the art of manipulation within asking. The moment we ask, adults immediately act on it. Great, you are king within your own world.

When we get bigger and become a kid our parents and teachers tell us that it’s inappropriate to start asking for things when we want to. We have to wait in turn and when we keep asking for the same thing simply because our question hasn’t been rewarded we will be punished or called a by nag. So it’s make or brake, or we fine tune our manipulative skills or not asking for much.

Later in school rules are changed. The students who ask “intelligent” questions are rewarded and praised and those that are asking the same thing over and over again are seen as stupid. Those who do not ask are simply not noticed.

I was one of those unnoticed, because I hardly asked. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to be seen as a by nag or as stupid. So I developed an attitude of being proud of myself for figuring it all out by myself. Till the extent that asking felt like being incapable not up for the task, a failure. I have been in this mode till adulthood and feeling quite independent for dealing with my own affairs.

When starting with the Desteni material almost 3 years ago I understood that every form of communication I have with others equals asking them for something. So in a way I hadn’t stopped asking, I had been fine tuning my manipulative skills. I could see how I was wrapping up my questions and wants within my communications. Even within my relationship I preferred saying: “Honey, I’m quite busy cooking and I aslo have to get the laundry inside, please help me remembering.” On which my partner P. of course responded with: “Oh, do you want me to get the laundry inside?” And I would respond with: “Well if you don’t mind, it would be great if you do that”.

I still find myself within such communications, but correct myself and communicate in a clear way. Or in other words I would ask for instance P. if he wants to do something for me.

At a later point when I started with SRA, I again didn’t ask all the questions I could ask. Then I found out that wanting to do things all by myself and not asking is an act of egoism. Wow that hit home. It didn’t fit in with the picture I had of myself, me egoistic, no! Though after considering it again I could clearly see that it was indeed an act of egoism. I wasn’t considering myself equal to others. I was going back and forth with this polarisation of feeling less and feeling more. Not asking made me feel more, having the opportunity to ask made me insecure. All that I could ask from others, was something I could also figure out myself, I had the tools. It even irritated me as people asked about things that was already provided for. As every irritation it was merely an reflection of me being irritated with the fact that I could ask things, but just wasn’t able.

I’m again confronted with the fact that I may ask whatever I want to ask within my process and I close down completely. I got irritated by myself, I feel locked in and not able to reach out to others in order to reach out to myself. Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking. No, no that’s a fuck up too, I’ve been there. Asking about something I already worked through is asking for validation. Then asking becomes asking for the sake of asking. Now looking at it closer I can see that not wanting to ask is of the same energy as validation. Okay lets dig.

I muscle communicated a phrase from a book to see what lies underneath this asking and asking for validation. “Okay, because I do not believe that what I ask for I really will receive. My life is a living example of it. In fact I rarely get what I ask for. If it happens, I’m intensely happy.” Wow, now I see it I fear to be disappointed within asking. Memories of not receiving what I asked for are this heavy burden on my shoulders that makes it almost impossible, incapable to ask. I have to stop this, breathe and slow down. I have to be in the moment and experience every moment every question I ask as a new experience and then I will not be disappointed, then it is what it is without any definition from the past attached to it. Okay this is workable and doable, I’m not saying that I will get it right from now on. At least I brought it to my attention now I can apply it and correct myself whenever necessary.

Now I will quote myself: “Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking”. And what did I do just now… I investigated it myself. So I know now why, but it was an act of egoism. Time to really slow down and see what it is that I need to ask without doing the smoke curtain trick. So lets start.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions without manipulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud on figuring things out by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a failure when having to ask things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel independent when not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulative within my communication towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic by not asking and wanting to do it alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not egoistic within my not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not equal to all the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarisation of more and less within asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated by others while they ask obvious questions, instead of seeing that it was me who was irritated about me not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when having to ask something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel locked in myself and not being able to reach out to others and therefore myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I have to find things out myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that asking something I already figured out is asking for the sake of asking and that in itself is asking for validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking out of the opinion that asking is never about receiving what I asked for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic and at all costs investigate instead of asking first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry past memories as a burden within asking in the present.

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3 Responses to “Asking”

  1. I also have several points/difficulties in regards to asking questions. I feel that the answers are there, I just have to find them. When I posted questions on the forums, I felt that they were sometimes ignored or that an answer would come back that wasn’t specific. Some times I even saw an answer as a judgment – “you’re wrong.” So, I stopped asking questions for some time. But I’ll try again and see what happens. Thanks for the self possessiveness.

    • Sylvia Says:

      I have gone through the same delusion as you Thomas with posting on the forums and feeling ignored and then feeling alone all by myself. So basically being the victim, till I slowed down and saw what was happening. Whenever I was asking from a starting point that wasn’t completely self-honest, no response or almost none. When I wasn’t completely standing within my asking, no response or almost none. So it always comes back on ourselves, what we express into our outer world is a reflection of our inner world and the responses of our outer world are accordingly to our expression. Quite a fuck up, but once you know you can work on it.

  2. sandyjones Says:

    Good timing for me as I was going back and forth about asking my brother something–because of a past experience with him–instead of asking innocently and freeing him and I from the past, no matter his response!


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