Sylvia's writing to freedom

The dentist 09/03/2011

After breaking a tooth last Thursday, my partner P. finally got hold on the dentist on Friday. Just for financial reasons I wanted to go to this particular dentist, knowing by experience that he delivers good work for a fair price. The dentist had room for me on Tuesday, so I accepted the appointment and ate 5 days on one side of my mouth to avoid damaging more.

All days while waiting for my appointment, when the dentists was popping up in my mind, I felt calm. Normally, even for a check up, I had a lot of anxiety. Especially while waiting in the waiting room it was almost unbearable. Now while entering the waiting room I was just entering a waiting room. There was nobody in the waiting room except us and one patient inside the surgery room.

I asked P. to come along in case the dentist was going to ask me things I wouldn’t understand or in case I wasn’t able to explain. Also my daughter A. came along, just for the fun, she likes these things.

The patient who was in before us was ready to leave and the dentist said: “give me a second to clean up”, within that moment between thinking I’m going in but I actually wasn’t and the real going in, I felt a little bit of anxiety. This anxiety faded away once I was inside the surgery room and saw his familiar face. It had all to do with trust as I wrote about before.

I told him what happend and I was actually capable of doing so, before he had a look. He wasn’t alarmed about what he saw, he was more surprised to see my old amalgam filling. He explained to me that he was going to drill out the old filling and put some medication inside the hole and close it again with a paste. This was a temporary solution to avoid infection and within 10 days he will take out the paste and fill the hole with white composite filling and restore the piece that broke off.

While he was drilling I didn’t feel any anxiety for the amount of pain he would let me go through. No anxiety of not trusting him. Which made me see how much this trusting is of the mind. I trust people with whom I had good experiences and memories before and do not trust people who I had bad experiences and memories with before. So I was never ever in the moment while being at the dentists. While being in the moment for most of the time I saw that it was just drilling out a filling and through breathing I stayed in the moment and took it for what it was. Quite a new experience.

The first hour it felt as if he had put chewing gum into my tooth, but it hardend very quickly. I was glad I had gone to let it fix and not waited out of saving money till the point that it would have become even worse. I told P. that next time I would go all by myself, it wasn’t hard to find at all. It’s a 20 minute drive to a town in our area. That’s also a point of anxiety for me to drive somewhere new and keeping track of where I am.

I believe that I do not have a sense of direction, this belief is based on all the memories I gathered throughout my life. All those memories have been confirming the previous memories and that’s how I held this anxiety in position. I completely lose it when I see within my mind how to drive and all of a sudden there is this missing part and at the same time I can see how to drive next to the blanco part on my mind map. Or reality is inconsistant with the picture of the map in my mind. I’ll simply freak out and imagine to never come home again. Also this experience is so unnecessary, just slowing down and preparing myself so I know what I’m doing would be enough.

It’s time to deal with the past, slow down and seeing the things for what they are without any energetic attachments.

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