Sylvia's writing to freedom

Home sick or longing for myself? 10/03/2011

After watching Adrian’s vlog about his visit to Canada, his homeland, a point openend up for me. Adrian told about all the temptation on a consumeristic level and how he enjoyed the spontaneous conversations with others. Being able to respond in a natural way within human contact. Till now I hadn’t allowed myself to mesmerize about these points. I had put them aside as useless to whine about, but not really faced them.

I haven’t experienced any feelings of being home sick, in the way I perceive the word home sick. Home sick to me is really being sick due to missing home/country. In the beginning I missed certain foods and products due to the biased offer of foods in the shops. We simply have to travel 1 or 2 hours by car to buy certain products if lucky. The whole online selling is quite immature here in Italy, most of them do not trust buying online, even when they never tried it. The next problem with buying on line is the delivery, when you do not live in a city, the¬†couriers make problems and deliver only on a strategic point for them.

It’s more the feeling of not being able to buy anything I would like and as I was used. Then when exploring this point further I see that it is nothing more then this feeling. I do not need all the stuff I once could buy and I wouldn’t buy it. So this must be rooted within the feeling or fear of having less, being left with nothing, what if… Being prepared for the unknown, which is ridiculous in itself, because I will never be enough prepared for something I do not know. It’s all distraction from now, the moment, here and facing myself within the moment here.

It’s the same with connecting with people, when I do not put effort within connecting with others how can I expect the same from others. After one bad experience with “friendship” here in Italy I gave up and avoided to really connect with people. I did hide behind the idea that friendship never was going to work with our current pre-programming. Though moments with people where I’m feeling equally to them and communicate spontaneously are rare. I simply have no big amount of experiences within normal day to day communication. Which makes me feel somewhat alone now and then. The feeling of belonging is in such moments compromised, but it’s me resisting it. I will never belong anywhere when I already made up my mind about the ideal communication between people. I never spoke here with anybody really in the moment without any mind shit around it. I never tried it yet I regret I never had it, how twisted is that?

In the beginning we tried to find the ultimate spot to build a house and live pretty isolated. We were chasing pictures in our mind of the perfect spot, which did not exist of course. I understand now that it doesn’t matter where or how I live, I will always live with me. I will always be confronted with me, no matter how far away from society, no matter how isolated I live, I still have to face me. It is me who has to make the effort and blaming others is a lame excuse to hide behind. This will be a though point, since it’s become a sort of coping mechanism to get going, I simply have to remember myself that these problems within communication would have occurred anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and hide behind longing for stuff to make me complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be prepared for the unknown without being prepared for myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be in the moment while connecting with people within communication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be equal to others within communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the connection with my outer world, instead of seeing that my connection or interaction with myself is on a low level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone while I am here all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret a connection I never had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglected the communication with myself

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