This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.
Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.
In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.
When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.
What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.