Sylvia's writing to freedom

Unwrapping myself after winter 05/04/2011

A couple of days ago when the temperature suddenly went up as if it was already summer, I, for the first time in weeks unwrapped myself in front of a mirror. I was familiar with the image I had seen throughout winter, this kind of Michelin man dressed in many layers of clothes. When I went to bed, I always undressed really fast so I would not cool down too much, before dressing myself for bed. When taking a shower, I also undressed quickly and never really watched myself in the mirror. So there I stood in front of the mirror looking at the surprise that I unwrapped. OMG I have a belly, yes of course I have a belly, but this one is filled is stuffed. The first thing that came in mind was, put this back in the wrap, because I do not like my present.

It seems that I still have certain images I hold on to, otherwise it would only have been a finding or a fact, that I had gained weight after winter. I always gain weight in winter, some extra fat to keep me warm. Normally I would see myself daily in the mirror, my belly and my image in the mirror would grow slowly but surely along with me. It wouldn’t have given this shock, I would have been gradually gotten used to my new size.

I still fit in my clothes so there is not much to make a fuss about. In fact that would have been the only thing I would have made a fuss about. Making all new clothes takes a lot of time and money, which I do not want to spend if it’s for no good reason. Therefore no big motions, I still fit in to them, I only now am feeling the limits of my clothes. My clothes are saying, till here and no further. So I’m back at a “diet” of only eating what my body needs and not extra stuff because it tastes good.

After 2 days of non-useless and non-mindless eating I already feel a bit lighter, which is of course bull shit. By not taking the extra’s for 2 days I can impossibly lose all my winter fat. This brings me to the point of feeling, after my unwrapping I was just before having my menstruation. In that period I always feel like a huge person due to the fact that I have fluid retention and swollen breasts. Winter fat plus fluid retention gave me the impression, the feeling that I gained many many kilo’s. Now 2 days later when the fluid retention is gone and I took responsibility for my diet again, I feel kilo’s lighter. I didn’t take any measurements so it’s purely feelings that as I can see, cannot be trusted. So as long as I hang on to these feelings, I cannot be trusted and I am dishonest in fact.

Gaining wait is something that happens for a purpose or out of a purpose, all the emotions,  feelings and fears around it are distracting me from what is really happening. What really happend was me listening to my back chat, the voice in my head. Then when I become a bit more familiar again with my body, I woke up in the morning and turned around in bed what hurt my right breast. I automatically touched the place where it did hurt and I felt a lump in my breast. A big shock went through my body while still not completely awake. OMG a lump in my breast! Every PMS period gives me lumps in my breast and they go away after I had my menstruation. The whole day these thoughts about the lump came up and with that the memory of my sister-in-law who had breast cancer. Somebody in my village had breast cancer and now a brain tumor. Before I knew it I had this chain reaction of thoughts about other people’s illnesses. So I had to stop and no longer participate. Which is not easy, to find the line between ignoring/suppressing or really not participating. Nevertheless I still fear lumps and cysts and things that were not there before. The painful breasts have gone now and so have most of the lumps, it’s time to really connect again with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my image in the mirror and therefore accepting separation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat accumulate my thoughts and lead me to places in the mind that are not in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alienated from my physical body after winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings around illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my feelings as real and as valid measurement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate and at the same time have fears around it of not knowing if it’s ignoring/suppressing or really not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to a certain body image, that of a flat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to personality/image and therefore holding on to my ego.


2 Responses to “Unwrapping myself after winter”

  1. sandyjones Says:

    Awesome article Sylvia, I have had that dilema lately; am i ignoring/suppressing/denying but couldn’t articulate it.
    Also.;… do you mind if I use some of your self forgiveness statement. Assingment 5 of DIP we are doing ‘fears’ , each day but I am only able to one every 4 days so far. one i will do is ‘i fear gaining weight’–getting fat is more like it!

  2. Sylvia Says:

    Yes, sure use the SF, if it fits you wear it. This shows even more how equal we all are if it comes to facing our shit. Most of the time we “think” we’re so unique in our sorrow and troubles, but how wrong can we be…

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